sustainable growth...

means the ability to stay erect for 15 minutes or more during intercourse or long enough until the girl reaches her orgasm.  

what the crap happened?

i few months ago i was saying that i have achieved virtual invisibility. people dont notice that i exist. sure its depressing to not be acknowledged or be recognized as somebody (even as a simple acquaintance) as opposed to being treated like a non-existing entity but at least life is simple. and i was even asking myself, now what? im living as if i dont exist because people arent giving any attention to me so what do i do next? i never got to answer that question because i just never did. i thought of how long i can stay invisible. unfortunately, i wasnt able to sustain it. after months of trying to be invisible, it only took probably a few weeks to reverse all of it. wait, why try to be invisible? well, maybe out of curiosity or im just plain twisted.

anyway, im far from invisible thats for sure. maybe after months of trying to get rid of the attention, i just had to burst out again and be that ADHD kid that i used to be. its like one person took notice and the rest of the world just followed suit. now my phones wont stop ringing due to the text messages (although there was a week that it didnt ring as often), people keep asking stuff, favors, questions, etc. then theres the online world which is another matter. its like i made things complicated again.

inducing death

it seems im cleared of my blood illness. well, as of last month, my blood levels are ok and its been like that for almost a year. so its safe to assume im in good condition. and its also means that i just lost my one way ticket out of here. crap. i need to think of other ways of making death come knocking at my doorstep. how about AIDS? all it takes is a "dirty needle". nah...thats suicide and im not into that kind of thing.

declaration of dependence

im still the go to guy. this sucks. no matter how much i try to discredit myself, im still that sucker people go to. if there's something needed, they go to me. no matter how rude i treat them or how harsh my comments are, they just keep coming back. im still that person who appears to be worth asking even if i really dont give a good answer. what the crap! why go to me! im tired of being asked to do this or do that or answer this or that. sure i say no, but they really are stupid that i see that they wont be able to do it properly. i give in too easily. thats my problem

hurt you bad

the thing thats frustrating with dealing with people is that you cant hurt them, either physcally or emotionally. well, actually you can but you shouldnt. especially over shallow stuff. people hate you if your a hater. shit. and its hard to be hated for the simple reason that you need to operate within society. you force yourself to be nice so as to make things easy. sometimes i ask, is it worth it? i mean, there are instance when you start to think, a couple of years in jail might be worth it just to hurt this person. sometimes i just have this urge to hurt people emotionally. not that i find satisfaction in it but i just think that person needs to be hurt. or that person is just pissing me off. the thing is, if you hurt someone, most likely, someone will come to defend that person and the one who inflicted the harm most likely too ends up with no one to take his or her side. thats whats frustrating about it. thats where patience comes in, to deal with the frustration. and im really getting sick and tired of patience.