gift of tongue

im fluent in gibberish. i have the nasty habit of speaking in gibberish when i think the person im talking to is just trying to engage in small talk that i know will lead to nowhere and is not really interested in what im about to say in return, the kind of chitchat initiated just to be polite or something to that effect (this applies to acquaintances wherein in their efforts to be polite, i respond by being rude). for some reason, i never developed a liking for it. probably never will. how do i know a conversation will lead nowhere? i am afflicted with this strange mental disorder wherein i have a tendency to try to foresee things or constantly attempt to foresee things by using all relevant data within my grasp and trying to crunch some probabilities and try to predict the outcome of situations. its known as a sense of foresight (which is also known as overthinking). sometimes i can predict how a conversation or situation will go so i sometimes skip to the end to save both parties the trouble of wasting time and energy (this always confuses the other party because my response is apparently unrelated but if i explain the thought process and how the conversation will lead to my response, things become clear. my sense of foresight can turn into precognition from time to time (like knowing when my phone is about to receive a text message seconds before it actually receives it. so im reaching for my phone before it actually rings. or it could just be a bunch of coincidences. i prefer to believe in the latter because there's no explanation in the former. but i acknowledge the possibility of the former because the latter, although can be rationally evaluated, sometimes proves to be insufficiently explained. and i digress)

when you accidentally come across someone you know, i dont get it why you have to say something or engage in some small talk (aside from a simple nod or hello. why cant some people be happy with a simple nod and a smile?) when apparently both parties are not really interested to talk about anything. its a complete waste of time and energy. so i made use of my knowledge of gibberish and put it into use. whenever someone tries to engage in small talk and i can see that he or she is just doing it because he or she thinks its some kind of social protocol, i reply in gibberish. and surprisingly enough, i can have a conversation with 90% of people engaging in small talk while replying in gibberish. it just shows that they arent really interested in what im saying in return.

Example:

other person: weird weather were having huh?

me: gwergy yertserd (grunt a little) gurnkit

other person: haha. yeah. did you see the news last night?

me: blurg humpf yurp egis (plus shoulder shrug)

other person: (nods head). yeah. tragic news. so what are you up to?

me: (answers with a smile and replies while widening eyes) phurt hurgd sturgs. (laugh a little) orsk cherds!

other person: good luck with that. finally found a girlfriend?

me: (inhales through mouth while trying to make eyes narrower then confused look). gurst gurd werktsurd furt prongk

other person: yeah, relationships can be tricky (then starts narrating personal experience)

me: (blank face. doesnt respond. conversation is already taking too long. just stays silent until other person breaks silence)

other person: well, nice bumping into you

me: (tight lipped smile)

some people just dont get it. im not interested to engage in the conversation. as for the 10%, they actually ask for a clarification of what i just said. that shows they're interested and i was wrong about my preconceived notion that they are just acting out of compulsion due to the dictates of social protocol of some sort. thats when i do engage in the conversation knowing that the person is actually listening.

my fluency in gibberish should not be confused with my other nasty of habit of mumbling. i mumble for two reasons: one, im too lazy to talk and is wishing i can just reply telepathically (so im interested to talk with the person and interested in the conversation but unfortunately, im overcome by extreme laziness) or two: my mind is occupied and my brain-mouth coordination is not functioning too well (in this instance, im overwhelmed by a thought and doesnt mean im not interested to talk. it takes a while before i can subdue the thought and focus on the conversation). i dont mumble when im drunk. im loud when im drunk (again, being drunk should not be confused with mere intoxication).

try to hold on for 2 months more

i might be losing it. with the mental exertion, my mental restraints and defenses are weakened. rage comes to the forefront much quicker. just bruised my right index finger when i grabbed an arnis stick to hit the wall in order to release some rage. so far i can restrain myself not to hit any object. God forbid that i suddenly black out and find out later that i smashed the laptop into pieces. i almost punched my cellphone. this is the problem when one tries to not act on negative feelings and decide to let them accumulate instead.

just forgot my name too. this is the second instance this happened in my entire life. but i think this time is much worse. the first instance was when i cant remember my name when im supposed to write it on the answer sheet during the exam. that could possibly due to some stress or anxiety thats why it took me a few seconds to remember my name. this time, i was using facebook and i saw my name and asked myself, "who the crap is...(5 seconds later) wait...that's me" i dont think this is just me forgetting who i am. another identity might be becoming more dominant.

my brain is a mess