im in bad shape

yup. really bad shape. physically and emotionally. physically, my left knee's been hurting for more than a week. unintended but not entirely useless. been having back and chest pain for quite some time. and its getting worse the way it should. now comes the tricky part. setting conditions so that a trigger can be formulated to achieve the desired effect. from tweaking thy brain to tweaking my entire anatomy. i am a control freak. and my heart is my brain's slave. like the Stake of Retribution at the end of the Judgment Chain. the ultimate defense mechanism and game ender. if my brain cant control my heart, it has no choice but to crush it.

just a few more debts to pay and im all clear. 

how come people dont seem to know this? i guess they prefer to be surprised. oh well. let it be a surprise then. like a heart attack

"Out of ten people who kill themselves, eight have given definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although some of their clues may be non-verbal or difficult to detect...The highest rates of suicide occur within about three months of an apparent improvement in a severely depressed state."

 Suicide myths (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidology)

Here is a list of suicide myths and the truth behind these myths.

Myths	Truths
People who die by suicide always leave notes.	Most people don't leave notes. Only a small percentage leave any type of explanations about why they've chosen to kill themselves.
People who die by suicide don't warn others.	Out of ten people who kill themselves, eight have given definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although some of their clues may be non-verbal or difficult to detect.
People who talk about suicide are only trying to get attention.	Few die by suicide without first letting someone else know how they feel. People thinking about suicide give clues and warnings as cries for help. Over 70% who do threaten to kill themselves either make an attempt or die by suicide.
Once someone has already decided to die by suicide, nothing is going to stop them.	Most of the time suicidal people are ambivalent about committing suicide. Most individuals don't want to die; they just want the pain they are feeling to stop.
Once the emotional state improves, the risk of suicide is over.	The highest rates of suicide occur within about three months of an apparent improvement in a severely depressed state. Energy level is the important factor in someone who's improving having the energy to act on a suicidal impulse, if they perceive a stumbling block to recovery.
After a person has attempted suicide, it is unlikely they will try again.	People who have attempted suicide are very likely to try again. 80% of people who die by suicide have made at least one previous attempt.
Don't mention suicide to someone who's showing signs of severe depression; it will plant the idea in their mind and they will act on it.	Many depressed people have already considered suicide as an option. Talking about suicide generally provides a sense of relief and understanding to the person. Talking about suicide is one of the most helpful things you can do.
An unsuccessful attempt means that the person wasn't serious about ending their life.	Some people are naive about how to kill themselves. The attempt in and of itself is the most important factor, not the method.

growing old is optional

from not yet ready to not meant to be...im an idiot anyway. deleting footnotes...sorry for bailing out

not even God can stop it

the future can fuck itself. im not participating.