Just after i said i changed my destiny or fate, i had my real, first deja vu since the accident (i wont consider the faint one last May). I wonder if this is a ploy to make me think that i didnt really deviate from what was meant to be or that ive been brought back to the previous path. In any case, regardless of whether im on the right path or not, im not falling for any trick and im sticking to what ive decided. And that is continue to resist the Will of that entity. Im ready to pay remember? Im going to win, no matter what
Sunday, September 8, 2013
i think "uh-oh" is really appropriate
"im broke. almost. i only have enough to last 2 weeks and what i have left in the bank is good for only 1 to two months. i dont have enough to pay for the bills! i really have a fucking problem.
i thought removing them feelings would be enough. i get better each day. colder and better. but just this afternoon, my brother noticed my eyes were leaking. i wasnt even feeling anything but the mere thought appears to be enough to make my eyes water. crap. crap. triple crap! i didnt think i would have to kill it real deep. but then again, i guess it was obvious given the fact it overwhelmed me. i thought removing the feelings attached to the thought would be enough. now, the thought itself is strong enough to affect me physically without noticing (that explains my rashes. i guess parts of my body are deteriorating because im rotting from the inside. but then again, i was rotten from the inside already before. im just reverting to my old, dead man self). i will have to get hit by a car and hope to acquire amnesia...if i dont die of course.
fuck. i guess its one bad decision after another. blow my money away on risky matters (because betting on something indeterminate and uncertain is really fun), keep indulging on my addictions (im prone to substance abuse), keep screwing up at work (im just...really...stubborn, aside from the fact everyone keeps leaving me), etc.
am i going to keep making these bad decisions for the rest of my life just because i refuse to go back and correct what ive decided to do? i dont believe that. even if im really heavily intoxicated right now. besides, months have passed. too late for that shit. and i made sure its going to be too late. also, there's no such thing as destiny or fate. i just proved that. i used to feel that i only have 2 years left. since the accident, i no longer felt that. now i have that nagging feeling ive been cursed with really good health and long life. no matter how much i bust my lungs with weed and cigarettes, now matter how much i drown my liver with alcohol and other crazy concoctions, no matter how many times i bust my nuts with tiring and meaningless closed door encounters that comes with risks and threats, holy crap, i dont think im going to end up sick or with an unfortunate accident or a gun against my head. i really do feel i have a long life to fucking live. unless i go back on what ive decided to do. then i thought of another way out. God cant push me to a corner. im not running away or trying to escape from anything. im creating a path and refusing to take the option handed to me. im tired of the sick joke, of the failure, of my faults and inadequacies." - thoughts of someone else, who is not me, who is currently on a substance-induced mental instability. wow. i can still write well when it comes to disclaimers. i really should draft that waiver that comes in handy during "unsafe" sex. during the "heat of the moment" instead of reaching for a condom, reach for a waiver form, therein stating that "i hereby free ___ from any form of legal or moral liability and/or responsibility that may be incurred after seven to ten months from the date this waiver form is signed unless expressly revoked in writing by ______" its not a valid waiver of course. but it would interesting how many will sign it. i really should write down these funny ideas
i thought removing them feelings would be enough. i get better each day. colder and better. but just this afternoon, my brother noticed my eyes were leaking. i wasnt even feeling anything but the mere thought appears to be enough to make my eyes water. crap. crap. triple crap! i didnt think i would have to kill it real deep. but then again, i guess it was obvious given the fact it overwhelmed me. i thought removing the feelings attached to the thought would be enough. now, the thought itself is strong enough to affect me physically without noticing (that explains my rashes. i guess parts of my body are deteriorating because im rotting from the inside. but then again, i was rotten from the inside already before. im just reverting to my old, dead man self). i will have to get hit by a car and hope to acquire amnesia...if i dont die of course.
fuck. i guess its one bad decision after another. blow my money away on risky matters (because betting on something indeterminate and uncertain is really fun), keep indulging on my addictions (im prone to substance abuse), keep screwing up at work (im just...really...stubborn, aside from the fact everyone keeps leaving me), etc.
am i going to keep making these bad decisions for the rest of my life just because i refuse to go back and correct what ive decided to do? i dont believe that. even if im really heavily intoxicated right now. besides, months have passed. too late for that shit. and i made sure its going to be too late. also, there's no such thing as destiny or fate. i just proved that. i used to feel that i only have 2 years left. since the accident, i no longer felt that. now i have that nagging feeling ive been cursed with really good health and long life. no matter how much i bust my lungs with weed and cigarettes, now matter how much i drown my liver with alcohol and other crazy concoctions, no matter how many times i bust my nuts with tiring and meaningless closed door encounters that comes with risks and threats, holy crap, i dont think im going to end up sick or with an unfortunate accident or a gun against my head. i really do feel i have a long life to fucking live. unless i go back on what ive decided to do. then i thought of another way out. God cant push me to a corner. im not running away or trying to escape from anything. im creating a path and refusing to take the option handed to me. im tired of the sick joke, of the failure, of my faults and inadequacies." - thoughts of someone else, who is not me, who is currently on a substance-induced mental instability. wow. i can still write well when it comes to disclaimers. i really should draft that waiver that comes in handy during "unsafe" sex. during the "heat of the moment" instead of reaching for a condom, reach for a waiver form, therein stating that "i hereby free ___ from any form of legal or moral liability and/or responsibility that may be incurred after seven to ten months from the date this waiver form is signed unless expressly revoked in writing by ______" its not a valid waiver of course. but it would interesting how many will sign it. i really should write down these funny ideas
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