gift of tongue

im fluent in gibberish. i have the nasty habit of speaking in gibberish when i think the person im talking to is just trying to engage in small talk that i know will lead to nowhere and is not really interested in what im about to say in return, the kind of chitchat initiated just to be polite or something to that effect (this applies to acquaintances wherein in their efforts to be polite, i respond by being rude). for some reason, i never developed a liking for it. probably never will. how do i know a conversation will lead nowhere? i am afflicted with this strange mental disorder wherein i have a tendency to try to foresee things or constantly attempt to foresee things by using all relevant data within my grasp and trying to crunch some probabilities and try to predict the outcome of situations. its known as a sense of foresight (which is also known as overthinking). sometimes i can predict how a conversation or situation will go so i sometimes skip to the end to save both parties the trouble of wasting time and energy (this always confuses the other party because my response is apparently unrelated but if i explain the thought process and how the conversation will lead to my response, things become clear. my sense of foresight can turn into precognition from time to time (like knowing when my phone is about to receive a text message seconds before it actually receives it. so im reaching for my phone before it actually rings. or it could just be a bunch of coincidences. i prefer to believe in the latter because there's no explanation in the former. but i acknowledge the possibility of the former because the latter, although can be rationally evaluated, sometimes proves to be insufficiently explained. and i digress)

when you accidentally come across someone you know, i dont get it why you have to say something or engage in some small talk (aside from a simple nod or hello. why cant some people be happy with a simple nod and a smile?) when apparently both parties are not really interested to talk about anything. its a complete waste of time and energy. so i made use of my knowledge of gibberish and put it into use. whenever someone tries to engage in small talk and i can see that he or she is just doing it because he or she thinks its some kind of social protocol, i reply in gibberish. and surprisingly enough, i can have a conversation with 90% of people engaging in small talk while replying in gibberish. it just shows that they arent really interested in what im saying in return.

Example:

other person: weird weather were having huh?

me: gwergy yertserd (grunt a little) gurnkit

other person: haha. yeah. did you see the news last night?

me: blurg humpf yurp egis (plus shoulder shrug)

other person: (nods head). yeah. tragic news. so what are you up to?

me: (answers with a smile and replies while widening eyes) phurt hurgd sturgs. (laugh a little) orsk cherds!

other person: good luck with that. finally found a girlfriend?

me: (inhales through mouth while trying to make eyes narrower then confused look). gurst gurd werktsurd furt prongk

other person: yeah, relationships can be tricky (then starts narrating personal experience)

me: (blank face. doesnt respond. conversation is already taking too long. just stays silent until other person breaks silence)

other person: well, nice bumping into you

me: (tight lipped smile)

some people just dont get it. im not interested to engage in the conversation. as for the 10%, they actually ask for a clarification of what i just said. that shows they're interested and i was wrong about my preconceived notion that they are just acting out of compulsion due to the dictates of social protocol of some sort. thats when i do engage in the conversation knowing that the person is actually listening.

my fluency in gibberish should not be confused with my other nasty of habit of mumbling. i mumble for two reasons: one, im too lazy to talk and is wishing i can just reply telepathically (so im interested to talk with the person and interested in the conversation but unfortunately, im overcome by extreme laziness) or two: my mind is occupied and my brain-mouth coordination is not functioning too well (in this instance, im overwhelmed by a thought and doesnt mean im not interested to talk. it takes a while before i can subdue the thought and focus on the conversation). i dont mumble when im drunk. im loud when im drunk (again, being drunk should not be confused with mere intoxication).

try to hold on for 2 months more

i might be losing it. with the mental exertion, my mental restraints and defenses are weakened. rage comes to the forefront much quicker. just bruised my right index finger when i grabbed an arnis stick to hit the wall in order to release some rage. so far i can restrain myself not to hit any object. God forbid that i suddenly black out and find out later that i smashed the laptop into pieces. i almost punched my cellphone. this is the problem when one tries to not act on negative feelings and decide to let them accumulate instead.

just forgot my name too. this is the second instance this happened in my entire life. but i think this time is much worse. the first instance was when i cant remember my name when im supposed to write it on the answer sheet during the exam. that could possibly due to some stress or anxiety thats why it took me a few seconds to remember my name. this time, i was using facebook and i saw my name and asked myself, "who the crap is...(5 seconds later) wait...that's me" i dont think this is just me forgetting who i am. another identity might be becoming more dominant.

my brain is a mess

im truly happy when it rains

i hope it will rain today. hopefully it will rain hard. really really hard. the same way it rained a few days ago. sure it only lasted for a few minutes, maybe half an hour but in that small interval of time, it made feel im seeing a glimpse of the wrath of God. seeing the rain and the strong wind pour in a manner that nothing can deny them of their intended course. i liked it to the point that i found it hard not to smile. i must have looked like an idiot while everyone in the jeepney was bothered with how strong the rain was, i was trying not to smile. i really found the destructive weather very pleasant.

pop goes the weasel

i might be restraining myself too much. i always try to control everything i do and everything that i say. lately, ive been suffering from sleepless nights and very violent dreams. and there are instances where REM atonia fails and i lose the motor inhibition during the REM stage of my sleep. one time i dreamt of shouting at someone for interrupting me while i was talking only to wake up acting out what i was just dreaming about with one hand pointing in the dark to where the person i was shouting at was supposed to be (im inherently a dictator with a very short temper. the only reason i like democracy is because im not in power. it sucks to be in a dictatorship and be at the powerless end of the system). fortunately, despite the REM atonia failure, it didnt restore the use of my vocal chords or i would have been heard shouting in the middle of the night. this is why i always keep my door closed and locked while im asleep. its for everybody's safety. maybe i should loosen up a bit? nah. i think i would rather snap. i find the abruptness in it appealing.

note to self

always place condoms in a secure place. always.

i was surprised to see my box of condoms on my "work" desk at home. in plain view! WTF! i dont remember how it got there. its like the time i was surprised to see a couple of condoms inside the laptop bag. i placed it there but i forgot about it. now i understand the article i read about a guy trying to explain to his wife how a condom was hidden in his laptop. he said his friend borrowed his laptop. well, if someone did borrow my laptop and found those condoms, he would be in the same predicament as the guy explaining it to his wife.

anyway, why cant women have or carry the condoms? i mean, theyre the ones who decide whether a guy is going to get some or not. shouldnt they be the one's carrying the "protection"? if they say no, its a no. its always a yes for a guy. so a guy having the condom is a bit redundant. a woman having the condom is a "yes". a guy without a condom is still a yes but it wont get him anywhere.

i am weak because i am my own source of strength

i get along fine on my own. but i wont get far on my own. im too "individualistic". ive relied on myself because thats the only way i know how. i derive whatever strength i have from within me. improvement starts with I, and with this philopophy ive strived to become better and stronger but always gave an emphasis on the "I" part. my team has an "I" in it. its always "I", "me" or "myself". my idea of being strong is not relying on anyone for help. ive benefited with this philosophy but like i said, it wont take me far enough to where i want to go. having one self as one's only source of strength isnt really much.

i just noticed that others find their source of strength from other people, from family and friends. and i think thats a better approach. because failing, or falling down wont be as hard and getting back up isnt as difficult when there are people who are ready to be a source of strength.

unfortunately, i dont know how to do that.   

i am whatever i say i am

the problem with me is that im less human than the average human being. i dont have as much irrational tendencies as most humans. im too rational to function normally. its the mistakes or errors that i make that make me human and probably not much else. i dont have that passion for stuff, sympathy or compassion for other people and my ability to love is really more of something still rooted on what's rational. ive been criticized of being too serious and being an overthinker. im a very bored person because my life got no surprises. i rely heavily on reason and logic that its automatic for me to try to determine the most probable outcomes or the logical conclusion out of almost every situation hence destroying whatever surprise there might be simply because im not a fan of uncertainty and surprises make me feel stupid because it makes me appear that i had no idea of what's happening around me. and i just said a very long sentence. i try to be objective as much as possible and become subjective when i think there's a need to be subjective. im easily filled with hate and hate is an emotion more based on reason unlike love which is harder to explain. so im really more of a mechanical being constantly engaged in thought processes. the only thing that makes my existence non-mechanical is my belief in God.

the interesting thing with what i just stated is that it only holds true to my current state of mind. i guess out of greed, of wanting too much, even wanting to become more than just me, i try to become everything i like.

north of nowhere, south of somewhere

so what's next? i dont know. right now, staying perfectly still, sitting on my chair in my room with my mind completely blank seems like a very good idea. right now, im heading nowhere with no one with nothing. so whether i do something or not makes no difference at all. i dont know if im stuck or i reached the end of this so called journey and this is the destination.

i remember those...

an indication that you're seeing someone for too long is when she starts to remember the underwear you own. or im just someone who likes to make things short and temporary

'cause two out of three aint bad

if i were serious, i would go for three out of three, try to perfect it, make a real relationship out of it. but, i realized im only capable of giving two out three.

sex, lies, power, control, deception, money and lust.

if anyone enters this web, someone will end up dead. no doubt about it. someone has to die sooner or later. and anyone who survives wont be the same again. i think this is the game that ambitious people and bored individuals of our modern society have in common.

i want to ride a tricyle, i want to ride a trike

i shall set as my goal for the year 2010...to ride a tricycle. it wont be easy. aside from im sooo out of shape, i need to find one more participant. well, i have a year to accomplish this. and its only january. i think this is a very realistic goal.

ummm....huh?

Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. - Dilbert

Convenience powered by feigning ignorance. it just takes the pressure off my shoulders. it lowers people's expectations. and lowered expectations is the key to happiness. conan o brien's right. the dumber the person is, the happier he or she becomes. stupidity is a powerful thing.

dont pretend you ever forget about me

We do it in the dark, with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places.


Don't pretend you ever forgot about me
We don't fight fair.

i think...

most of the inhabitants of our country are naive.

Thats it! ive had it!

"That's it!
I've had it with these motherfucking snakes
on this motherfucking plane!"

Times are strange
We got a free upgrade for
snakes on a plane.
Fuck em, I don't care.
Bought the cheap champagne,
we're going down in flames, hey.

So kiss me goodbye.
Honey, I'm gonna make it out alive.
So kiss me goodbye.
I can see the venom in their eyes.
Goodbye.

It's time to fly,
to make the stars align
with the turpentine
lounging in their suits and ties.
Watch the whore's parade
for the price you paid, hey.

Oh, I'm ready for it
Come on, bring it. 

year twenty six

from what i remember, people didnt like me when i was 26. it was the time i got tired of everyone. it was the time i remembered why i decided to shut up a decade earlier (it was because no one listened). it was the time i truly stopped caring (it was because everyone was simply a disappointment. including me). it was the time when...everything actually began. i tried to avoid becoming that person. but well, it is as if it was preprogrammed to happen. since then i never stopped for no one and for anything. because i realized, theres really no one to stop for and nothing really matters. everyone and everything...essentially dispensable. year 26 was the time when i adopted the philosophy of the seventh hat.

im the mad hatter

right now, im wearing or using a total of six different "hats". on a daily basis, i wear three and i dont think there came a time that i had to use 6 in a single day. problem is, even with just three, my body cant keep up with me already. right now, im not feeling well (in addition to the feeling of weirdness ive been experiencing last weekend. its really more of an eerie feeling). the only solution i can think of to address my weak physical self is use the seventh hat. i never thought it will ever come to this point this early.

ive got a feeling

ive been feeling weird since yesterday. its not because of the cold i just got. its a weird feeling because...i dont know what it is. its like the feeling i felt a few years ago that made me panic and caused a lot of emotional turbulence. this feeling is as weird as that but not the same type. that feeling i felt back then somehow relates to what was about to happen. and strangely enough, now that i think about it, it was a "prophetic" kind of feeling. it was like feeling what i was going to feel in the future. problem is, i have no idea what caused the feeling since the event that will induce it has not occured. but now that i am halfway to that future, im starting to understand what caused that feeling. its weird but..point is, im having another one of them weird feelings and this one is of a different nature

its too late, theres no escape, from what they have done...im going deeper underground

I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt. I'm a surprise, Kevin. They don't see me coming: that's what you're missing. - John Milton

Don't get too cocky, my boy. No matter how good you are, don't ever let them see you coming. That's the gaffe, my friend. You gotta keep yourself small. Innocuous. Be the little guy. You know, the nerd... the leper... shit-kickin' serf. Look at me. Underestimated from day one. You'd never think I was a master of the universe, now would ya? - John Milton

im never wrong

"wrong" is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses. - Catbert

oh well

im back to my old flirty ways. at least im starting to get my old self back and so far im doing it like i used to. but thats the thing, the fact that im in good control of things means...it doesnt mean anything. the moment i start to get bored, off i go to search for someone new and interesting. but then again, having something meaningful isnt really for me. so why be bothered by the meaningless? its like that billy madison quote: "I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out."

hahaha

found a new playmate! hahaha. i wonder what interesting things she can bring me. this time i have to make sure that the spider doesnt become entangled in his own web. come here my dear pretty, lets play a game to beat the boredom. im going to make sure its going to be worth your while. or maybe not. hahaha.

i have to thank you october. you gave me what i need. i hope this break you gave me will last long enough to make november not as difficult as the way i predict it will be. well, so far, november is being cooperative.

what if Chuck Darwin was God

with the recent weather abnormalities, people are starting to talk about global warming and the current environment crisis. some still have doubts but at least now they are starting to pay attention.

i think we shouldnt do a thing. lets all remain stubborn and ignore the environmental issue. lets all continue our destructive ways and aggravate the environmental crisis. lets hasten the destructive process man has engaged in by continuing our current lifestyles characterized by consumerism and energy consumption.

ive spent my recent years observing people. and things get interesting when something out of the ordinary happens. a crisis either brings the best of out someone or makes that person crash and burn. quoting Professor Barnhardt from the movie The Day The Earth Stood Still, "it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve". since it seems that people would rather do some blamestorming than taking action to address the situation, we havent reached the brink that will force us to change. we need more natural disasters and calamities to reach our breaking point. we need to lose more lives to learn our lesson.

im sorry, but im just really bored and im one of those men who wants to watch the world burn

no escaping

i really do not know what im going to do now. im just walking aimlessly so that i can tell myself at least im moving somewhere. this year is just filled with failures. its really piling up and im forcing myself not to care so i would not feel how heavy the burden has become. im trying to get myself as occupied as possible so i would not notice how big my problems are.

its already october and if my sense of foresight is still good, i will need a lot of positive energy to face november. i have a big decision to make by the end of the month so october, please let me have some fun, the type i really enjoy (something i havent had for years) or at least give me a little break so that my judgment will not be clouded.

im the greatest

i realized im such a great guy. i honestly think i am. im not perfect. why would i want to be perfect in an imperfect world? it would be pointless. its like wearing a white suit on a farm on a rainy day. it may look great but it doesnt really fit in. its like trying to be a god on earth. its silly because god's dont belong on earth. they may be worshipped but whats the point being worshipped by worthless mortals. and being perfect is plain boring. trying to be perfect is a whole different thing.

anyway, yeah, i am a great guy. i just realized that. if i were to believe what people say about me, my flaws arent bad enough to make me...not great. problem is, my form of greatness isnt really the fun kind. that kinda sucks. and im not great enough to demand stuff. being great sucks.

No!

No matter how hard you plan your life. Life has a plan for you on it's own. Life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control...resistance is futile (Wedding Daze, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Star Trek).

If that's what life is all about, then my answer to it is NO! with a big N and O. NO! life's plan sucks.

im starting to find peace. im starting to be ok again. so please life, leave me alone. i want no more surprises of the very disruptive kind. actually, im wondering, how the hell do you plan to execute your plan? i mean, really, is this how you do it? by being a pest?

im one of those people who believe there's no such thing as coincidence and everything happens for a fucking reason. so far life you havent given me a good reason.

the five scariest words

i never thought how scary these five words can be until you actually hear it: pakasalan mo ang anak ko. holy crap! even if it was said in a non-threatening manner, its still the five scariest words put together.

my head hurts

damn it. im going to baguio tonight and im feeling a bit dizzy. and i drank alcohol last weekend. and i have no idea about the status of my blood condition. too late for a check-up. when i went to baguio for the block xmas party, i had my blood checked one week before (and i conditioned my body weeks before by walking home from school which is a considerable distance and is good exercise). well, im too busy to drop by a doctor's clinic.

actually, ive been feeling dizzy lately. no headaches though. only now. will i live long enough until thursday? i think my current condition isnt that bad. im just out of shape. and currently in physical pain. the things i endure.

and a portion of my upper body hurts when i laugh. thats...annoying. its like i feel pain whenever i express joy.

2012

if 2012 is what i think it is, then it will be proof that there's no such thing as coincidence. well, i have to live long enough to ascertain that 2012 is what i think it is. right now, all i can say is that i think its an interesting and peculiar year. and if my assessment is right, all my personal roads lead to that one year. 2012.

im a bridge?

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn... I'm the one you burn.- Louis Salinger

life is beautiful

life is truly beautiful despite its imperfections and flaws.

unfortunately, im greedy. im never satisfied. i want more than what this life can offer. knowing that life can never be perfect, im in a constant state of frustration and disappointment. life is beautiful but that doesnt mean i can be happy and enjoy it when it can never give me what i want. its beauty is not enough to please me. thats why i tried to restrain my desire, my wants. because i know my expectations and standards are high. and ive been successful in forcing myself to be contented with what life has given me. but lately, my wants are running loose within me. certain matters happened this year that made me lessen my restraints on my wants. and now im more frustrated than ever. although life remains beautiful, all i can see is its ugly nature. that it has to be imperfect to make it fulfill its purpose.

Death

the good thing about death is its promise of eternal peace. for the atheist at least. for the non-atheist, death brings the possibility of eternal damnation.

unfortunately im not an atheist. and ive been waiting for death for more than a decade.

coffee, cigarettes and sisig...

are my current constant companions. ang sugar, spice and everything nice are the perfect ingredients for a short and miserable life

the age of...

is it time for the age of fred? crap. locking and unlocking personalities isnt a fun thing to do. one personality was unintentionally locked away. well, because he became irrelevant.

now fred is the best personality for the job but the problem is...there's no go signal yet. and the go signal may never come. but unleash fred anyway? 

the chain of hatred has been broken, rendering another personality almost insignificant. another one to be locked away. 

things wont be the same again. there is no turning back. there is no going back to the old self. fred will eventually have to take over. crap. the drop dead fred treason and plot did happen. 

the fifteenth

lately, ive been hating the 15th of the month. now im thinking about april 15. do i know someone born under this date? i dont think so. but somehow i feel that april 15 is somewhat significant. did anything happen in the past that fell on the 15th of april? i dont know. if i dont remember then it must be not significant enough. whats with the 15th of april? well, if i cant find anything significant about it but i still think theres something important about the date, it only means one thing...i should do something to make it significant. makes sense.  now i would have a reason to say that april 15 is important. im just tired of being nice. ive gone too soft. i think its time to bring back chaos and hatred. 

missing my old self

where the hell is my old self!!!! i miss my coldhearted, twisted self who finds pleasure in choking people's necks just to see them in pain. who likes to play mind games and manipulate people's perceptions. who likes to conjure sick plans just to upset the established order. ive gone too soft, too nice that it sickens me. i hate myself right now. ive been hating myself for 2 months now. i hate it when im not rational. i hate it when i dont think properly. i hate it when im truly nice. im really, really stupid right now. 

the living dead

i went to see the eraserhead's final set concert last night. it was good. it was memorable. i had a great time. but i didnt really feel much compared to the first installment of the reunion concert. not sure if it really was the concert itself but im starting to think that my love for other things, like the eraserheads and their music, has started to dwindle considerably. well, my sibling's didnt love it as much as the first, so i guess maybe it was the concert. maybe im just worrying that the reason why i dont have that much love for other things is because i died the moment i started to live. and my question to myself is, would i rather be dead or would i endure living a life im not used to? 

skepticism

is what i consider to be my greatest strength and weakness. there's always room for doubt. 

im dying!!!

i wish!!! im just losing weight. i dont think im dying nor is it any indication im sick, or contracted a very serious disease like one of em acronym illnesses. 

im getting extremely booooooooored. i want to mess with someone's head but i dont have anymore targets. damn it! 

unleash the sadge? i'll think about it...right now, its fred's turn. 

all i know right now is that im really, really, boooooored. 

im death on two legs

You suck my blood like a leech
You break the law and you preach
Screw my brain till it hurts
You've taken all my money
And you want more
Misguided old mule with your pig headed rules
With your narrow minded cronies
Who are fools of the first division
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart of your own
Kill joy bad guy big talking small fry
You're just an old barrow boy
Have you found a new toy to replace me?
Can you face me?
But now you can kiss my ass goodbye
Feel good are you satisfied?
Do you feel like suicide?
(i think you should)
Is your conscience all right
Does it plague you at night?
Do you feel good feel good?

You talk like a big business tycoon
You're just a hot air balloon
So no one gives you a damn
You're just an overgrown schoolboy
Let me tan your hide
A dog with disease
You're the king of the 'sleaze'
Put your money where your mouth is
Mister know-all
Was the fin on your back
Part of the deal? (shark)
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart (you never did) of your own
(right from the start)
Insane you should be put inside
You're a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride
Should be made unemployed
Then make yourself null and void
Make me feel good i feel good

its time to transform

into a different person simply because its a new year. im thinking of becoming a megatron searching for his starscream.

"you fail me yet again starscream"

i am...

the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. im the guy you go to if you want to make something happen. haha. 

i was born intelligent...

but philosophy changed me.

i used to be a kid with a bright future. optimistic, cheerful, full of hope. now, im just some silent type, focused on world domination. haha. 

Casino Royale

You see women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits. - Vesper Lynd

if men were to be categorized between the former and the latter, i would fall in the former. its sounds bad but it can go either way. women can see men as disposable pleasures too. thats my best justification for belonging in the former category.

heart of darkness

vengeful heart. these were the two words that were echoing inside my head two fridays ago while i was riding a jeepney. 

two fridays ago, i received what ive always wanted to happen. it was sad and depressing to finally get what ive been asking for. because what ive been asking for is something which is somewhat painful. something most people would dread. but i asked for it for the sake of gaining experience (and probably give me the motivation i need). 

two fridays ago, as i walked in the UP oval, i said to myself, better to get it now than get it when im old and absolutely alone. its easier to experience and feel it now when im strong enough to handle it. its better to experience and feel it now while its early because chances are it will happen again. at least i know what to expect. i know how hurtful it will be.

two fridays ago, i realized im regressing toward my old self and im not going to stop it. im tired of trying to maintain the "progress" ive made. i think im better off reviving my highschool plan (and i already did...partially. so im back on track with regard to my original plan). the only thing im not going to change when i revert to my old self is my faith. i made the mistake of giving God the finger and smashing the head of the Sacred Heart of Jesus statuette against the altar's wall just because i dont like the way He was running my life. i made a promise i wont lose my faith again and its a promise i intend to keep. with the kind of plan i have, i just hope my faith will help me endure. 

no sexy time until next semester

damn it! i was looking forward to a nice way to end the semester. well, i have a cold and like smoking, its not advisable to have sex when one has a cold. especially when one does not have a girlfriend. it would really look lame and pathetic to try to get laid while having a cold, with either a clogged nose or a runny nose. and the coughing fits. and i think my cold wont be away for another week. by then its already the next semester. damn it. 

you dont have to say it, i know by your inaction

how come i dont hang out with friends anymore? simple, i dont have any invitation. although i do crash from time to time but that was before. i dont think i should continue doing that. i know now when to leave and say goodbye than overstay my welcome. the fact that theres no invitation just shows that ive overstayed my welcome. actions do speak louder than words.

can someone pick me up? please

irrationally picky, easily distracted, utterly anhedonic - Marshall Eriksen talking to Ted Mosby in "How I Met Your Mother"

irrationally picky. how did i solve this? simple, remove the picky part and remain irrational. and when i say irrational i mean commit to something no sane person would commit to.

easily distracted. im currently solving this by shutting everyone out. that way i can keep my focus. and live in my own isolated world and still remain irrational. and become insanely serious.

utterly unhedonic. can be solved by lowering my standards of enjoying something? maybe someday. even if im bored 99% of the time, i rarely notice the boredom now. its become a state of mind. life doesnt surprise me anymore.

its nice to watch sitcoms. ive used it before as a way to describe a human lifetime. applying it to me, im retired. im not part of any sitcom at the moment. im still fixing my resume. or waiting for someone to cast me and make me part of any sitcom that needs an arrogant and pyschotic hard to please asshole

feign ignorance

you can get away with things when you act stupid. sure, some might take advantage of you when they think you dont know but since youre faking it, you know better and try to make use of the appearance of ignorance to your advantage.

some people arent really good with explaining things or too lazy to teach so they try to get rid of the ignorant person as soon as possible and they do that by not making an issue of things and just let the person go his or her way as if what just happened didnt happen or isnt much of a problem. in short, they just let it pass instead of getting pissed in the end because its hard to argue with ignorant people after all. they dont get it. and for those feigning ignorance, they will never get it for the simple reason that they refuse to get it.

acting stupid is...well, stupid. but if youre lazy, being stupid really makes things simpler. because people see you as a simpleton. so they wont try to make it complicated for you. and if you get in a complicated situation, thinking of the level of competence you have (or what they think you have), they wont be pissed as much since they have lowered expectations. everyone would be easier to please too. all you have to do is exceed the expectations a little bit. example, if everyone can do 50 pushups, consistently project yourself to be capable of 45 and struggling to do make 48. to impress them, just do 53 pushups when in fact you can do much more. the good thing about this is, people would underestimate you and dont expect much from you. you can take things easy and there wont be much pressure because as far as other people are concerned, you dont amount that much. and you wont be embarassed when you dont know something because people dont expect you to know it in the first place. the bad thing about feigning ignorace is that it doesnt promote personal growth because you arent challenged and you limit your room for improvement. and if you feign ignorance long enough, there's a big possibilty that you may actually become that stupid person you are playing because you dont have the motivation to be more than what you actually are. and if people learn that youre pretending to be stupid, they will see you as a big fat liar and very pretentious asshole and you will lose your credibility (because thats what feigning ignorance is all about, lying). if this happens, even if you dont know something, they wont believe you that you dont know. so, youve created a heavier burden if you get caught. so you should only do this to people you arent close to, like acquaintances or strangers. so what if you appear stupid to them? of course it matters to some, but if you think about it, so what? at least create lowered expectations with regard to these people you dont know very well.

another thing, even you are feigning ignorance, you also have to show that you are trying to learn, only that, the learning process is slower. so you also have to be mindful of what to learn or pretending what to learn. so its just like lying. actually it is lying. know your lies and be consistent about it. be consistent of what you are ignorant of and what you ought to have learned. constantly saying "i dont know" on the same question isnt believable. sooner or later you are bound to know the answer. so remember how many times you can say "i dont know" to a particular question.

point is, feigning ignorance is sort of a lazy man's strategy (like lying in bed and letting the other one do all the work). it makes things simple because people wont complicate things for you and they wont expect much from you. sure, its not a good reputation, to be seen as that stupid guy but when you know its not true, will the reputation matter if youre really some lazy-ass SOB? not really. its easier to impress people too. but because its a lazy man's strategy, you also reap the consequences of laziness like substantially diminished self-development. and since feigning ignorance is false representation, you also reap the consequences of misleading people like losing credibility. so is it worth it to feign ignorance? well, in a complicated world, feigning ignorace to have a simple life is a way to decrease the stressful world order. but since its not really a good thing to do, one has to be prepared to confront the consequences. this is for the lazy person. because feigning ignoraice is also the strategy of people who are hiding something, like evil secrets or something like that.

sustainable growth...

means the ability to stay erect for 15 minutes or more during intercourse or long enough until the girl reaches her orgasm.  

what the crap happened?

i few months ago i was saying that i have achieved virtual invisibility. people dont notice that i exist. sure its depressing to not be acknowledged or be recognized as somebody (even as a simple acquaintance) as opposed to being treated like a non-existing entity but at least life is simple. and i was even asking myself, now what? im living as if i dont exist because people arent giving any attention to me so what do i do next? i never got to answer that question because i just never did. i thought of how long i can stay invisible. unfortunately, i wasnt able to sustain it. after months of trying to be invisible, it only took probably a few weeks to reverse all of it. wait, why try to be invisible? well, maybe out of curiosity or im just plain twisted.

anyway, im far from invisible thats for sure. maybe after months of trying to get rid of the attention, i just had to burst out again and be that ADHD kid that i used to be. its like one person took notice and the rest of the world just followed suit. now my phones wont stop ringing due to the text messages (although there was a week that it didnt ring as often), people keep asking stuff, favors, questions, etc. then theres the online world which is another matter. its like i made things complicated again.

inducing death

it seems im cleared of my blood illness. well, as of last month, my blood levels are ok and its been like that for almost a year. so its safe to assume im in good condition. and its also means that i just lost my one way ticket out of here. crap. i need to think of other ways of making death come knocking at my doorstep. how about AIDS? all it takes is a "dirty needle". nah...thats suicide and im not into that kind of thing.

declaration of dependence

im still the go to guy. this sucks. no matter how much i try to discredit myself, im still that sucker people go to. if there's something needed, they go to me. no matter how rude i treat them or how harsh my comments are, they just keep coming back. im still that person who appears to be worth asking even if i really dont give a good answer. what the crap! why go to me! im tired of being asked to do this or do that or answer this or that. sure i say no, but they really are stupid that i see that they wont be able to do it properly. i give in too easily. thats my problem

hurt you bad

the thing thats frustrating with dealing with people is that you cant hurt them, either physcally or emotionally. well, actually you can but you shouldnt. especially over shallow stuff. people hate you if your a hater. shit. and its hard to be hated for the simple reason that you need to operate within society. you force yourself to be nice so as to make things easy. sometimes i ask, is it worth it? i mean, there are instance when you start to think, a couple of years in jail might be worth it just to hurt this person. sometimes i just have this urge to hurt people emotionally. not that i find satisfaction in it but i just think that person needs to be hurt. or that person is just pissing me off. the thing is, if you hurt someone, most likely, someone will come to defend that person and the one who inflicted the harm most likely too ends up with no one to take his or her side. thats whats frustrating about it. thats where patience comes in, to deal with the frustration. and im really getting sick and tired of patience.

Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*

well, im finally hit. not the way i provoked it nor the way i expected it, but nonetheless im hit. been asking it for months, maybe even years. trying to make them hit me. hit the emotional part of me. hurt me. i felt i needed it. i needed a bad review. a criticism. an insult. a nasty gossip. a half-truth blown out of proportion. even a crazy yet credible lie. wasnt able to get any of it. but i did get the same effect as if the things i was trying to get out of people materialized. i got a form of ostracism. some kind of invisibility. to have an unacknowledged presence and existence. to be taken out of the loop. to do a disappearing act no one notices. 

now that im hit, what next? it depends. it depends whether my demons can take advantage of the situation and allow myself to be engulfed by them. i doubt this will happen. my mind is too strong to snap. or, i allow myself to slowly rot within, gradually creating a new state of mind which would allow my demons to exert some degree of influence. discretion remains but it takes a form shaped by the pain of being hit. 

why did i want to be hit? to pacify the demons within. but unfortunately, i wasnt hit the way i wanted to be hit, the way i expected it. it skipped a step. and it matters because it changes the course of things when things dont go as expected. its similar to a miscalculation that could have unthinkable effects. and unfortunately again, this one doesnt have a plan B. thats the risk of tinkering with one's mind and having one's mind tinkered and staying sane all throughout. order and chaos in an abstract yet organized mix.

the demon named pride

when will i be able to swallow my pride? at the moment, its a bit unimaginable. i really cant. im willing to carry the burden, or accept whatever consequences so as not to swallow my pride. why? its just because i cant do it. i dont know why. i just cant. there's this one instance where i let go of something good just because i let pride prevail. its been more than a decade and i refuse to regret my actions. i could be in a much better situation if i just swallowed my pride. and ive been doing it again and again and its just like im digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. well, no one can save me after all. my life, from past to the present to my future, is mainly my never ending battle with my own demons. and pride is one of the strong ones. its so strong, it need not lurk within me. its got a good hold on me that im pretty much its puppet.

rage building sessions

nothing pisses me off more than a slow internet connection. oh wait, there is something. its slow and intermittent internet connections! im not blaming my internet provider because it might not be their fault. its just really pisses me off that if i could just do an "incredible hulk", im going to fucking destroy a city everytime i experience a fucked up internet connection. its going to be like "goodbye metro manila"

im a very sinful person

pride and sloth are two of my "favorite" of the seven deadly sins. well, its because its these two im most prone to do. im not saying im proud of it, but its kind of inherent in a sense i cant get rid of it easily. and ive indulged in it in the past. next in line would be gluttony, then wrath, then envy, then lust and lastly, greed. as for the five remaining deadly sins, i think gluttony, wrath and envy is sort of embedded within me too but they''re easier to control compared to pride and sloth. as for lust and greed, i have good control over it at the moment.

people keep saying im a very nice person. its because i exhibit self-restraint all the time. thats why im very reserved. i try to always control myself. because if i dont, well, im going to be in a lot of trouble. im not saying im going to raise hell everyday, maybe only when im really fed up but point is if i loosen up, the harder it becomes for me to control myself in a sense its like a once you pop, you cant stop phenomenon. and if that happens and i get used to it, i wont even try to control myself anymore. i wil never keep my mouth shut and say whats on my mind and its going to look like im attacking everyone around me. im going to do what i believe is worth doing regardless of the consequences because im going to think my judgment is always right.

anyway, even when im intoxicated, i still exhibit self-restraint. no one has seen me really loosen up.

walking contradiction

i secretly desire to be a bum. actually, ive done that a lot of times and of course, no one likes a bum. and since its pointless to go against social norms, ive realized that its not realistic to live like a bum for the rest of my life. unless ive got loads of money. and i dont think im going to exert a lot of effort to get loads of money just to bum around for the remainder of my life. thinkin of where i am now, society would say im doing fairly well. not bad, not that good either. i mean, im a student! im not earning anything at all. im still a very useless member of society...at the moment. and what im doing is a far cry from being a bum. if things continue the way they should be, i would be contributing a lot to society. im going to be a responsible asset to the social system. well, thats whats expected of me anyway. and of course, i hope i meet those expectations. but i still cant remove the thought of just wasting my life away doing useless stuff. its very childish i know but i guess thats my way of not growing up. and the moment ive abandoned trying to do what i want and actually accept that theres some things i have to do, its a way of giving my consent to act like an adult. which kinda sucks but as red foreman kind of said, to be an adult, you have to take a lot of shit you dont want and live with it. something to that effect.

greatest pleasure...

is to break your enemies, to drive them before you, to take all the things that have been theirs, to hear the weeping of those who cherished them, to press in your arms the most desirable of their women - Temujin

that is why killing your enemies is more of an act of kindness. death does not really hurt them. it saves them from the pain and misery.

change ur mind

i think one way of changing one's personality (or forcing a new one to emerge) is by depriving myself of sufficient sleep...for weeks. will i try to confirm it?

pleasant view

how come large boobs and hot legs and nice asses, for some reason, have magnetic effects? i mean, if you see large, plump and somewhat succulent looking breast, the eyes of an average guy finds it (the wonderful breasts) on its own and cant stop taking glimpses (for those with weak minds who lose control of their eyes easily, cant stop their eyes from staring at it). the same is true for long, sexy, sizzling legs. if a guy sees a girl wearing short shorts, he cant prevent himself from looking. and that doesnt stop there, he has to look at where the legs begin, which is the hot piece of ass (most of the time) that completes the magnificent sight. even if the guy doesnt mean to look, once his eyes detected it, most likely, his eyes wont be able to resist and would need to take a second glance. and then a third and a fourth and so on until the boobs or the legs or the ass is out of sight. these female body parts do have strong magnetic forces for some reason. wait, let me make it more accurate. these female body parts dont have magnetic forces per se, only some females possess or have the ability of attracting the male eyes and exercising some form of control over it. ive experienced it so many times and im still puzzled up to this day. its not i lose my mind, its just my eyes start to have a mind of its own. even if i try to distract myself and let my mind wander and float to a far away place (like the kingdom of dusts or a castle made of shards of glass. what you think about doesnt have to make sense, all you need is something weird enough to grab your attention temporarily, long enough for the magnetic force of the boob, ass and/or legs disappers), my eyes still find a way to look at it again. the next thing i know, im looking at the heavenly view, again and might be staring already. if its heavenly, why not look at it? because im a sinner and dont deserve to look at such a captivating sight. the more you look, you become more of a sinner. and besides, if people see you staring or even taking too many glimpses, people would find that sinful and really offensive. thats another thing i dont get with society and people. if women wear these short shorts and tight shirts, arent we suppose to look at them and appreciate the beauty that emanates from it? for some reason, society has trained guys to be embarassed to look too much or stare or glimpse too much at such hot and intensely attractive parts of the female body (which of course isnt true to all, maybe only to most guys, or just some). i mean, why wear a skirt and all day long you keep pulling it down? if youre not comfortable wearing it or worried guys would keep looking at your marvelous legs, dont wear it. like i said, those legs are like magnets. they attract male eyes. but then again, thats also dangerous because some guys just dont get it. guys can only look at it and nothing else unless permitted by the owner of the body part to do something more than just look. the clothing that exemplifies the magnificence of the legs, the breast or even the ass does not mean that guys can harass the owners of such wonderful female body parts (sorry if i use the term "body part", im not in the mood to think of a better term and besides, it sounds more "anatomical" and less sleazy). if the girl is worried guys might see her panties, then dont wear skirts that short in the first place if all day long you would worry about it. there was this girl in powerplant who wore such a short skirt and didnt worry if her panties can be seen. well, it turned out she was a lingerie model so she was comfortable with what she was wearing. did we stare? nope, we were too embarassed of course. but still, its hard not to admire her set of legs. too bad, we cant take a picture, that would be just too much.

stop listening!

call me crazy because i might just be. its been weeks that ive suspected that people can hear my thoughts. its like everyone's a mind reader. here i am, sitting, minding my own business when some people talk to me and they talk to me about what im thinking. exactly what im thinking at that moment! example, im being quiet, not saying anything and i look at a person and i think of something im going to say or would say sometime later and that person suddenly looks at me and answers me as if i just said what i was thinking. ok, this happened only twice. coincidence most likely right? but it appeared to me during that time that they heard me and they didnt know i didnt speak because they werent looking at me.

the other instances were just people telling me stuff which coincided with what i was thinking earlier or a day ago or days ago which i didnt bring up. its like, they answer me even before i ask. like i said, im crazy. i think im paranoid. well, i am paranoid. i wont argue against that. my mind likes to play tricks on me. convinces me to believe things that a rational and sane person would shrug off easily for being absurd and extremely idiotic and silly.

rage here rage there

for some reason, i was filled with rage this morning. but of course, its all in my head. i really dont express the rage im feeling or else i would be imprisoned either in jail or in a mental institution (temporarily of course because once the rage subsides, im back to my harmless and sane, or almost sane, self). its like letting the incredible hulk loose and the only difference is that i dont grow those big muscles and dont turn green (or gray, if you want to be comic book geeky about it). its like having this tall guy breaking stuff and growling incoherent phrases and incomprehensible grunts (i mean, grunts can be comprehensible you know).

anyway, dont know where the rage came from. here i was in the library, reading assigned readings when all of a sudden, a surge of rage comes filling my...umm..senses? point is, im suddently filled with rage and of course hatred. its like i want to burn the building down. of course, i try to control it so that there wont be a manifestation of such violent anger. or potentially violent anger. its like i want to kill people indiscriminately just to blow off the so-called steam. i just want to go berserk just to release it. but of course, theres a time and place for that and im far from both of it. so i take a deep breath and force myself to relax. i try not to think of anything. so that was my morning. doing some breathing exercises because the rage keeps popping up from time to time.

maybe my body's psychic (whoa, i dont think ive ever heard this before. the mind is usually the clairvoyant part of man, and not the body). i mean, on the latter part of the day, i was so pissed. i was starving because i havent eaten for 9 hours. i got called and my recitation wasnt good. i was drained and tired and no longer absorbing anything from the class but the class just kept going and going. it was hard to commute because it was very late. i wasnt able to return the videos i rented which were already overdue and i saw some of those who work in the video store heading home (meaning, they just closed, probably not more than an hour before i saw them). when i ordered some food from mcdonalds, i had to wait for a few more minutes (it mattered because i was starving! fast food is suppose to be fast! is that too much to ask?). even with this very lousy and irritating day, i didnt feel the rage i felt earlier. it was a good thing because had i felt the rage during the latter part of the day, it would be harder to control. i would have gotten myself into a fight with a stranger. i could have pushed the guy in front of me off the moving jeepney while it was running on the elliptical road. i would have stood on the cashier counter of mcdonalds and kicked their cash registers. i could have elbowed the face of the guy sitting beside me. ok, maybe im exaggerating, except for the last one because i was really tempted to elbow his face just for the sake of releasing some anger. i mean, if my body was psychic and knew that im going to have a bad day, might as well get rid of the rage before i get really pissed due to legitimate reasons. i mean, its easier to feel the rage when there's nothing to be angry about because the rational side would be in full control of the situation. i was so pissed during the latter part of the day that i was muttering profanities during the class. of course not loud enough for people to hear, i hope. if the rage kicked in, i would have shouted and violently demanded that the class should be stopped because it was way beyond 830pm and its getting late. ok, maybe not violently demanded but rudely protested. not sure if the rage im feeling is a result of 10 years of not losing my temper. ok, thats another exaggeration. ive lost my temper from time to time and when i do, i cant stop myself from hitting things and throwing stuff. when i know i cant control my anger and i still have enough strength to control it, i sometimes pick something to destroy and go somewhere where ill be alone and release the anger. i remember picking up my badminton racket, going to my room and "mutilated" my racket by hitting the wall until my racket cant be used to hit anything. i sometimes punch my monitor when the internet connection is just so fucking intermittent. sorry for that PC monitor. good thing it didnt break. well, i didnt break the screen but eventually, with the number of times ive punched its screen, it had some internal damages, so it broke down last saturday. that is, if the diagnosis of the technician was correct. im tempted to buy a baseball bat so that i can use it to hit things when im pissed. and what i want to hit are side mirrors. ok, thats a bit expensive because i dont think i could get away with that. windshields would also be nice. or throwing tv sets from building windows.

sausage fest and pretty chicks

one thing i like with riding jeeps is the chance of getting to ride with a pretty girl. i prefer not to sit beside them so i can look at them and admire their beauty. im not a pervert. it just so happens that its nice to look at a pretty face while riding the jeep and waiting to get to your destination. i mean, there really isnt much going outside or there's not much to see outside the jeepney. there might be a scenery of some sort but ive seen it a million times. its a daily route after all. why the crap would i enjoy looking outside the jeepney. the only time that would happen if theres something unusual that occurred and that doesnt happen often. thats probably why drivers tend to slow down and try to take long looks at car crashes. not even car crashes, even minor accidents like fender benders. so it worsen traffic flows because not only is there an obstruction on the road, the passing cars slow down near the accident area.

anyway, i get disappointed when i ride a jeepney filled with guys. i call it a sausage fest borrowing the term from the movie Eurotrip. thats why sometimes i dont ride a jeepney when i see from afar that its mostly guys. the short trip wont be fun. of course, an exception would be is when im in a hurry so i wont be that choosy. and when i get to ride a jeepney filled with women, i quickly scan for the pretty one. if there is none, at least im riding with females or sitting beside one. i would rather sit beside a girl than a guy of course. not because im homophobic but cmon if you think about it and if given a chance to choose, would a guy choose to sit beside a guy or a girl? isnt it human nature for a guy to prefer to sit beside a girl than have a guy keep brushing himself against you? ive experienced that and it irritated me a lot. i wanted to say, what the crap is wrong with you? why do you keep brushing against me? are you gay or something? but of course, if that was a girl, i wont complain. i wont feel awkward. the same thing can be said when the person sitting beside you is falling asleep. you wont mind if it was a girl that occassionally rest her head on your shoulder but if it was a guy, you'd probably move your shoulder away.

making things less creepy

i saw a creepy old guy last week when i went to megamall. the old guy eyed me up! it creeped me out because i thought he was following me. i mean, i was there minding my own business reading the movie schedule on a bulletin board of some sort when this old guy stood beside me and looked at me from head to toe and just kept doing that while i was reading the schedule. i walked away and wandered around the mall and minutes later, i saw him again looking at me. this time i was on a different floor and ive been walking for quite some time already. so i thought, was he following me? why? i dont know him, i made sure of that. i took a good look and im sure ive never seen him before. so why is he looking at me like that? is he checking me out? i hope not.

so while walking away from the mall and heading toward the MRT just to get away, i tried to think of possibilities why that old guy was doing that eyeing me up thing. trying to rationalize stuff so i wont be creeped out. well, having the fertile imagination, wait, not really fertile but crazy imagination i have, two theories of weird origins made the situation less creepy.

first theory: he came from the future! i mean, what if this old guy was sent from the future to make sure that i dont stay in the mall. he looked like he was making sure i am who i am by looking at me like that. its like, "is he the guy im supposed to talk to or warn"? maybe he came 50 years from the future and probably if he knows me from the future, ive aged a lot. so he was trying make sure that he didnt interact with the wrong guy. so maybe his instruction was that to make me go away from the mall. if it was, then he accomplished his mission by creeping me out. maybe he was told that im a bit homophobic. so by acting like a creepy old man, i would be freaked out and head as far as away from the mall. why should i not be in megamall? maybe im going to be killed by some crazy serial killer who hates tall guys wandering in malls. or what if he's a bad guy from the future who scared me away from the mall so i wont meet the girl im supposed to fall in love with. crap! if thats the case, he also accomplished his mission. another possibility is that he was supposed to tell me a message from the future and was making sure im the right guy. well, if that was his mission, then he failed because he creeped me out before he could tell me the message. but i doubt that. if it was me who would send a person to tell me a message, i would pick a hot girl with the message written on one of her boobs. what if they ran out of hot chicks in the future and the only one available was the creepy old guy? well, then that future is not worth living in and i would probably be having a miserable time. maybe thats why he sent the old guy back, so that future wont happen. shit. i just ruined the future then. well, ruined it for straight guys. i think straight guys are a dying breed.

second theory: the sixth sense! i see dead people and the first dead guy i see is this creepy old man. the reason he was eyeing me up is because he cant believe i can see him and he's making sure i can see him. but why didnt he tell me something or just ask. if he's really a ghost and saw a living person capable of seeing him, i dont think he would be speechless. i mean, i should be the one speechless if i see dead people. also, the people around him dont seem to be paying attention to him, as if he was invisible. but then again, people in malls just mind their own business.

so why are these theories less creepy when the first talks about the future and the other is about seeing dead people? well, maybe because they're amusing and less probable and unrealistic than facing the possibility that the old guy was really checking me out. i mean, i would choose the two theories i made up than think that the old guy looked me from head to toe just because he likes to look at me like that. thats creepy.

fight club syndrome

im starting to feel like edward norton in fight club. i feel like im pulling tricks on me and there's a tyler durden lurking. i havent had sleepless nights for quite some time and so im not an insomniac lately. but what if thats not really true. i mean, am i even sure if im awake right now?

i dont know. lately, ive been tempted to ask people if ive instructed them to not tell me things that ive been doing lately. the same way when edward norton started asking members of the fight club not to talk to him but answer only to tyler durden. of course, this is paranoia. pure and simple. i dont even know why i feel that way. there are mornings i would wake up feeling weird and very tired. i remember the things ive done before i sleep but how sure am i that i really did sleep? or that my memories are real and not altered by a split personality? i havent had memory gaps for years. what if a split personality is filling it in with fake memories? i mean, my other personalities have been quiet for months now. i mean, there's not much mood swings lately.

also, ive been withdrawing from people lately. if that is true then people wont have a clue if im up to something weird or doing something weird. so asking things from them wont be much help.

its really hard to know or realize if youve gone mad. how could you possibly determine if you're crazy right? if you still have a sense of sanity, the fact that your crazy means that the insane side has taken over. if it has taken over, then sanity would have a hard time taking control again because insanity itself is seen to be something very irrational. how can a rational sane mind fight the irrational when it follows no rules? by forcing conformity? i mean, thats the safest approach sanity can adopt, i think. just follow the rules of conformity and socially acceptable practices. you cant go wrong with that right? an insane mind cant possibly exist in a strictly conformist world. as logn as sanity can force this in the insane mind, control can be regained by sanity. problem is, what if that is exactly what insanity wants sanity to think. that insanity is making sanity to believe that the person is living in the world and conforming to its norms when in fact, its all make believe or all in the head. its like making sanity think that the world is moving when reality the world is standing still. if insanity is in control, it can pull off all the illusion and different forms of deception it possibly can. it is an erratic force of irrationality. but isnt the fact that im writing this means im sane. well yes if i really am writing this and someone from the real and sane world can read this.

another rage entry?

ever since this semester started, i dont recall an instance where i was glad to be home. everytime i got home, i wished i was somewhere else, like studying in the library. thats why i dont eat my dinners at home from tuesday to thursday. i just dont want to go home or stay home. thats also why im staying longer in the library, opting to study there as long as i could. why dont i want to go home? well, its still a home and not just a house. it just so happens that i dont like it. i just end up getting pissed the moment i enter it. actually, the only place i like in it is my room, where i usually lock myself up. other than my room, the PC is the next best thing in it. since highschool, ive wanted to have a place of my own but im too lazy to do something about it. if i didnt go to lawschool, might have saved some money to move in a cheap apartment.

lost again!

tired of losing battles with myself! Eve6 would probably say, "change your mind!" or change your state of mind. it isnt that easy! especially when my mind has the advantage over me. it just sucks. i mean, here i was trying to improve myself and when im drained and trying to recharge myself to continue my momentum on studying habitually, my mind pulls a fast one on me. since im too drained to resist the intense feeling of laziness and the headaches my mind is throwing at me, i gave up and just slept, hoping by the time i wake up, my mind would be a little clearer. when i got home, still feeling very drained. slept again. hours later, my mind seems to have a good hold on me, i cant force myself to do anything but sleep. not that i dont want to study (actually that's what i want to do right now), but try as i might, (and i did try several times), my mind either makes me feel like i took a sleeping pill, or it hovers somewhere else, meaning i cant focus on what im doing. and right now, my "spidey" sense is tingling. ok, not tingling and not even spidey sense. i dont even know what it is. well, its a rash. a rash that appears on the same spot on my arm from time to time and varies in size. i dont know what it means or what it signifies everytime it appears. but its there now and its itchy. actually, its not a rash, im sorry, its more of an insect bite. and like i said, it appears from time to time and its on the same exact spot on my arm. it wasnt there when i switched on the PC but its there after i talked on the phone. i just dont know why an insect bite looking rash appears and disappears. there's got to be a reason. anyway, im digressing, going back to losing battles to myself. it sucks! im really getting tired of it. other people would say i just lack of discipline. maybe they are right but try telling that to the ones who takes charge of my brain whenever im drained. i mean, thats the only time the inmates run the asylum, when im too weak to protest and counter their stealth attacks. its a never ending conflict inside my head.

pick up line

not sure if someone already thought of this but my line involves saying that im an exorcist. why? cmon, cant guess why? hint: what enters a guy's mind if he sees a sizzling hot chick. or what does he want to do.

fucked up. thats what you are.

this is turning into the blog of a rageaholic. actually, this blog started as that kind of blog.

anyway im sleepy and pissed. im pissed with some people's lack of understanding or perception that they are fucking different. what's pisses me off more is that they cant fucking accept it. why? because they fear rejection. so they strive to claim they're normal when they cant substantiate their claims. thats bullshit driven life! that's the reason why they are being rejected in the first place! they refuse to fucking accept things and insist on making a fool of themselves. they are even fucking sensitive of the most non-sensical stuff. hey, get a fucking life! because the way you are right now is annoying and youre just becoming a social liability. social liability because you aint got no significance in this goddamn world with that kind of twisted state of mind. the set of beliefs you have are yours and your alone. i have no problem with that as long as you dont fucking insist that its the belief everyone else should have! who the fuck do you think you are? im only going to listen to you if you are backed-up with facts or really attuned to the social pulse. heck, you dont even have a clue of how the society thinks dont you? what more on how society works! it obvious with the way you think and the way you act. you wont stand a chance in the real world boy! the fact that you think you're ready to face the world even with no experience or first hand knowledge, actually, not even the faintest knowledge of what reality is outside your goddamn home makes you a helpless, childish, insignificant boy! its not the age that makes a man. if you cant beat yourself and get out of the delusional state of mind you're in, then dont come complaining to me. ive had my share of demons in my head, and im still constantly having battles with them. but you dont see me pretending to be normal. i acknowledge it. i face it. i try to overcome my fears and not hide in some self-induced dreamworld or world of pretend then insist that other people should follow suit.

again

did i just say i hate it here? to reiterate, i fuckin hate it here. and bayantel, fuck you! what the fuck is wrong with your internet service! nice customer service is not equal to good internet service

hate!

i just hate it here!

offends the senses...well, offensive to the ears

like i said, one reason i keep my mouth shut is because i have nothing good to say because i really have a very arrogant mind. another reason i keep my mouth shut is because, this is related to what ive said, the things i say offends people, like my uber green mindedness. it would appear that the only thing i always think about it sex or something most would consider as sexual harassment. its not like i could say a compliment to a girl with a nice shirt by saying, "hey, nice shirt, i like the way it hugs your tits". i mean, it does look nice and it also makes her tits look good too. but people would find that offensive, especially when said out loud. its not like im telling her that her tits are perfect for some nice breast fucking. its just a statement of fact that with the shirt she's wearing, the only thing a guy can see or focus on is her wonderful, nicely shaped breasts! that made the shirt nice. at least she knows what some guys think. wait, thats not green mindedness, thats just an offensive comment that could send me to jail! what the crap am i talking about.

anyway, maybe the next time someone asks me why im so quiet, i would reply "fuck! cunt! slut! cocksucking motherfucker who screws any horny son of a bitch and licks the pussies of drunk whores!" and if they get offended, i would add "thats why im quiet, my concept of freedom of speech is not the same as what you people are willing to hear. my concept is the one civilized people want to regulate. the moment i say what i think, they say that's where the limits of the freedom of speech begins." i agree with them but unfortunately, i do have a very dirty mind so i better control my filthy mouth. ooh, filthy.

arrogant? yeah right

ive been told a couple of times that im an arrogant jerk. Ha! they havent seen me in my full blown arrogant mode. if they already think im arrogant, well, they wont be able to take what i am when i dont try to control myself. i mean, im always exerting some self-control and they dont even sense that? and the reason im arrogant or very arrogant towards some people is that because, maybe, just maybe, they are worth treating like trash! now, thats arrogant, right? not yet. what made them trash is because they dont recognize greatness. that greatness is right in front of them! they are stubborn, ignorant and clueless idiots who think they should be treated like i am their equal or that we are equals. ha! i may have stopped seeing myself as a superior being but i havent abandoned the fact that there are inferior people that walk this God forsaken planet. and if these inferior people dont know how to improve themselves and evolve, then they should be treated like trash. because that is what they fuckin are. and i dont like to be bothered by these useless creatures who assumed a human like form.

now, that's just annoyingly arrogant right? see, if they think ive shown them arrogance, then well, they will just have to either keep up with it or stop talking to me. im doing the best i can not to crush people by saying what i really think. that is one reason i keep my mouth shut, because i dont have anything good to say.

need sleep

its been what? two weeks? two weeks of sleeping around 2am or 3am. need to sleep more! its making me sicker in the head, fucking up my already fucked up sense of existence!

jessica alba is just sizzling hot

jessica alba is so hot! i dont understand what makes her hot but does it matter? well, i was thinking a few days ago that if someone looked like jessica alba, it just not the same. even if she looks prettier, its not jessica alba. there's just something about her...or what she has become. i mean, i first saw her (or noticed her) in Idle Hands (because i didnt know she was in the movie Never Been Kissed), and she wasnt that hot. she was hot but not as sizzling hot as today. she's so hot, if she had children today (cant say if she will be hot forever) i wont be surprised if her own son falls in love with her or her own daughter becomes a lesbian. i know its disturbing and jessica alba would probably be scared to have children if that is likely to happen but im just saying there's something different with jessica alba's hotness. i would have posted a pic of her but there's just so many nice pics of her, i find it hard not to post a lot of them.

do i look like a girl?

ok, im bored and its 3am...

definition of terms

i slept around 4am and woke up around 1030am. anyway, here's a few nice words.

drive-by shooting: the act of taking a picture while driving a car, especially while driving at high speeds.

gut-instinct: the habit of tucking one's stomach to hide it. people who do this usually have large bellies or a slight beer belly

flash of beige

its past midnight on a tuesday morning...very early morning. was complaining a while ago im sober again (its a monday night and im sober! fuck, i miss the good ol days when i can drink to my heart's content...well, until im too drunk to keep myself awake).

anyway, something flashed in my head a few seconds ago. a nice piece of ass wearing this sexy beige panties. weird part is, when it flashed in my head, i had this feeling of familiarity with that ass with the beige panties on. it is as if, ive seen it before up close, real close. how close? about a foot away from my face. but i cant remember seeing that hot panty covered ass before. why the feeling of familiarity as if it happened before? maybe i need to go to sleep.

problem is...

Seems like ive got lots of problems to think about at the moment. im doing the waiting game again.

anyway, another problem is, i want to be a leader but i prevent myself from assuming any such position. so, no matter how much i would like to lead, i just have to force myself to be just a member of group. why? its easier to be just a member (meaning, the lazy ass part of me wins). but i would like to lead because i like to get things done in an efficient and effective manner. i want to create and run a well-oiled machinery!

the reason i give in to the part of myself who just want to be a member is because if i become a leader, i want absolute loyalty and compliance. i dont want to be questioned and i dont tolerate dissenters (with the exception of asking for their dissent, besides, i always give options...but giving options is an illusion).

so, im really more of a totalitarian. i demand the trust of those who want me to lead them, and not doubt my judgment. but of course, when i lead, i make sure i know what people want from me, what they expect me to do, my powers and its limits. also, i must know my members' capabilities and limits and potential. that ive been entrusted to run the group and do the tasks as efficiently and effectively as possible. that's how i like to do things. but, people dont like a dictator right? besides, sometimes i cant expect the group to run at the same pace as i am, so ill just end up disappointed (so im a bit of a slave-driver sometimes). so better just stay in the backseat and allow someone else to run the show. people want democracy, people want freedom. i want them too, but i think a little bit of dictatorship is good sometimes. because there are some who are just plain undisciplined and those who deserve no mercy.

problem is...

another fucking problem of mine is that i dont have the word "blame" in my vocabulary. so no matter how much blameworthy a person is, i dont blame anyone and will not blame anyone. fucking frustrating aint it? so ill just have to find a way to rationalize the situation. blaming someone would make things easier but, it wont solve the problem now would it?

problem is....

you know what my problem is? i think im looking for someone more reliable than me. just a theory. a theory to explain why i dont easily fall for a girl. im not saying girls arent reliable, its just that, the ones i like dont seem to be more reliable than me. why do they have to be more reliable? so i would be impressed of course! call me an arrogant jerk or an asshole because i am.

i think its been a decade now

been a decade? decade of what? decade of saying: "God, im sorry but i hate it here! when can i leave? im tired of this life and this place, this planet. im tired of everything."

but i know God knows, that deep in my heart, there's something small, a small part of me deep within, saying, "maybe things wont be that bad tomorrow". that small part is like a trace amount of optimism in a pessimistic person. its a needle in a haystack thing, obviously, the needle is optimism and the haystack is pessimism. but its not about finding optimism within pessimism but knowing its there. it may not be seen but it can be felt. it can prick anyone if someone accidentally comes across it. and the fact its there makes a whole lot of difference.

so what's the point of this entry? even if i've been chanting this...this...whatever you call what i said on the first paragraph, as long as there's a part of me that's hoping, i remain human and must stay here. this where humans belong. ok, im just throwing underdeveloped ideas. sorry, its 3am in the morning.

what would be nice?

what would be nice right now, and i mean right at this moment, is a light rain. is there such a thing as light rain? what i mean is a drizzle. a fine, gentle, misty rain. just thinking of it is making me feel better already. the thought of a gentle cool air. relaxing. because right now, the summer heat is really making itself felt at 12am in the morning. in addition to the cool, misty midnight would be a nice, soft couch. yup, a nice comfy couch. and to make things perfect is a girl. a very pretty girl. me, sitting beside a very pretty girl on a comfy couch on a nice cool evening. maybe someone like jennifer garner. that would be nice. why her? i dont know, it just so happens im getting some jennifer garner wallpapers right now for my wallpaper collection. wait. thats not quite perfect. what would complete things is some good snack. a box of pizza and liter of coca-cola or pepsi cino. aah. that would really be relaxing isnt it. so there. what would be nice, right at this moment is spending a cool and relaxing rainy night with a pretty girl on a couch with some good food to eat. yup. that would really make my night. unfortunately, i cant control the weather, i dont have that comfy sofa, im not with a pretty girl, i cant order pizza and i ran out of cola. great huh?

just a thought

just a thought: wedding crashing psycho

i was watching The Guru (starring movie hottie Heather Graham) the other day and thought of The Wedding Crashers (because of the ending in The Guru) and it got me thinking. is it possible to be this guy who would show up at weddings and object on allowing the couple to get married? why you ask? well, just for the sake of objecting. i mean, when the priest starts to ask whether there's someone who objects or has a reason why the bride and groom should not be married, i would shout "i do!". then, i would make up a bogus reason or story and see if the bride would have second thoughts of getting married. of course, im a complete stranger so i guess i better sit at the back so i could run away from the angry mob. there surely would be an angry mob because i just ruined a precious moment of a person's life. harsh right? so i was thinking whether i could be this professional wedding crashing pyscho. so who would hire me? of course, those who wants revenge on one of the couples. am i that heartless? maybe.

oooh...strokes of affection

This is just insane...ive been singing this song for quite some time now. i dont know if this is gross, or sick or what. i guess this is what happens when you should be sleeping but you refuse to sleep.

Himas
Nothing more than Himas
Trying to forget my
Himas of love

Imagine
Making Himas your face
Trying to forget my
Himas of love

Himaaas!
For all my life i'll Himas
I wish I'd never himas you
You'll make me himas again

Himaas, oh oh himas
Himas you again in my arms.

Himas,
Himas Like I've never himas you
And himas like I've never
himas you again in my heart.

doesnt make sense, but it does have an amusing effect

waiter!

why is it im a waiter?

i looked up the word "wait" in a dictionary and here is what it has to say about the word "wait":

a. To remain or rest in expectation
b. To remain or be in readiness
c. To remain inactive in one place while expecting something.
d. time during which some action is awaited
e. stay in one place and anticipate or expect something
f. look forward to the probable occurrence of

ok, all of them means the same thing. point is, why do i always wait for things to happen? like im some disinterested or indifferent being not affected by what's happening in this world. i just sit there and let things happen and if nothing happens, so be it. and what made me think about this? i dont know, it just crossed my mind. well, not really. it just so happens that i have nothing to do at the moment. its 30 mins before midnight and i would like to watch a movie (and ive already seen 3 movies in less than a week!). of course, i cant watch a movie at this time of night. so, what can i do? i cant make anything happen in my favor, now can i? so i will just have to wait. wait a minute, that's not the kind of waiting im talking about! its really hard to talk to myself lately, i mean, there is only one mind but i dont even get what i am saying to myself. how messed up is that?

Inmates Running the Asylum

i dont know whether im losing my mind or losing control. in any case, im losing something. i think.

so, lets give it some thought. why would i say im losing my mind? i dont know, maybe because its getting harder and harder to think like a sane person? its like going mad is the only right thing to do! but isnt that just losing control of one's mind? i mean, if you become insane, you've lost your mind, and if you've lost your mind, you've just lost control of yourself. so, does that mean, im controlling my own mind? of course. so, i am like a slave to myself because i exercise mind control over myself? but i am the one who is exercising control over myself, then im also the master. so im a master and slave of myself? ok...i think im just trying to confuse myself.

ok, lets change it a bit. lets go inside the mind. and in the mind, there are a number of persons...or personalities. lets not count how many because its not very relevant, so lets just say more than a handful. ok, weve got these personalities inside the mind, all of them separate and distinct from one another. all of them have their own so-called "functions".

they started out like office workers in cubicles, compartmentalized and not aware of each other's existence. back then, all they did was wait for the big boss' orders. of course, there had to be a boss in the mind to exercise control over these personalities. after all, they are all inside one mind, and one body. so, these personalities just waited to be summoned and act on particular instances.

anyway, after some time, they eventually noticed there are other cubicles, so they thought, there are others in there. one of them probably got curious and peeked in the other cubicles. to cut the story short, all of them eventually learned of each other's existence and started interacting with each other. so the mind became a busy place, not only for work purposes but also for socializing purposes.

of course, like in an office, there are those who get along and those who dont. friendships are formed and also animosity. but unlike in an office, these personalities are together 24 hours a day. they are all in one mind. they cant go anywhere.

so tension and confusion starts to build up inside the mind. at the same time, the boss tries everything he can to stay in control. in control of what? in control of both the personalities and of the mind. so how does he do that? unlike in an office, it isnt that easy. a mind is a tricky and twisted place to be in when there are lots of personalities in it, especially personalities who have intentions of taking over the mind.

so far, the boss is still in control of the mind, but is starting to lose control over some of the personalities. its getting hard for him to pull all of them together and work as one unit. he's starting to lose track of some personalities. so, he must consider the possibility that there are personalities planning to do some sort of coup. if there is, the most the boss can hope for is that, its the good ones. but would the good ones even attempt to seize control over the mind?

so there lies the problem of the boss, there is a fear that he might lose control of the mind over some not so good personalities. what's not so good about them? i dont know, maybe because they are the personalities in charge with wicked, angry, sinful, violent and other negative thoughts that needs to be controlled. and i guess it wasnt a good idea to immerse some personalities in such form of duty. and over the years of not being summoned to at least release what they have been tasked to control and restrain, they are getting pissed, and starting to become heavily influenced by what they have been ordered to control. so, in the end, is this just a question of control over the mind?

turbulence

want another psycho shit? well, around lunchtime, a thought entered my head. there's something bothering me lately and cant determine what. anyway, this thought is like an attempt to try to give an explanation for what's up with me. and of course, its a thought that is just absurd, that is why its a psycho shit and it goes like this:

could it be possible that i have a psychic link with my future self? or even past self? and right now, a self in the past or future is experiencing some emotional turbulence of some sort and its affecting the present self? or maybe, i am about to reach a time in my life where something life changing could occur? something so significant that its like a defining moment that would change the course of my life? if that's true, then there can be no way i could figure out what my problem is because the problem does not exist in the present. that's why i cant see the problem.

ok, thank you very much voice-in-my-head-with-a-wild-imagination-giving-absurd-explanations. i would accept that explanation though, if it can be proven. and how could that be proven? i dont know, show me a time machine? or a flash disk with a recording of my future self trying to talk to me, saying that its true and it goes like this:

static....then an image of a guy appears and says:
"hello february 2007 self, this is me...or you...or us...anyway we are one and the same, i think you get that. the retardation you are undergoing isnt that bad yet for you not to recognize me. anyway, i am you in 5 years and yes you are still alive after five years, obviously. actually you will live a bit longer than we wanted. anyway, im fucked up right now, so fucked up, you can feel what im feeling. and the reason why it has to be you in what you call your present and not in some other time like when you were 18 or something, is because, you are the one that is responsible for this mess you placed me, or you, or us, in. you made this goddamn idiotic decision or allowed this incident to happen or did this act, choose one that applies, on that particular time, which, following the natural order of things for the next five years, would lead me or you or us here. can i speak in the third person? i think that would be easier. anyway, that's all. dammit, should have written my message. i hope you understood what i just said. anyway, this isnt one of those messages that self-destruct. you can play this message again in case things arent clear. oh by the way, just got a message from our future self last week, way much further in the future, and he asked me to tell you, well not really you but anyone in the earlier part of our life, to follow what reason tells you. the voice of reason may not feel good sometimes but hey, at least reason is the one who's thinking. actually, that message by our future self is the one that bothered me, which lead to this messed up situation i am in which i was able to trace to you. anyway, i would like to tell you more about what will happen to you in the next five years, but knowing you, because you're me, i know there are some things you wont like. or would prefer not to know at the moment. but since i cant help myself, a surprise is coming your way...soon. i dont think that statement would spoil it, now would it.
static appears again

now, if that message did happen, then, and only then, will i believe there is such a thing as a psychic link between the present self and the future self.

last 24 hours

just woke up. feeling a bit better, feeling more sane. anyway, this song somehow says something of the last 27 hours before i slept a few hours ago.

Crash
by Aerosmith

Sitting on a castle
On the floor with Esmeralda
Waiting for the Geezer
Captain Crunch to come around
Feeling suicidal
´Coz of certain situations
Hanging from the stairs
Too long
I think I'm coming down
It´s time to crash
Losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind
Yeah it´s time to crash
Doin´ tons on colon blow
Stuffing it in every hole
Miles high so am I
Watching Jimi kiss the sky
Salle diner becomes a blur
With everybody jammin´
Republicans begin to sin
The batwings start a slamming
It´s time to crash
Losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind
Maybe it´s a little late but it´s time to crash
You drive me crazy
Captain Billy Beemish
Put a lamb up on a rack
Thanks for coming Billy
And we hope you´re coming back
The castle will be waiting
For next bangers and mash
Blanche and Marsha Reznick
Put their marmite with their hash
It´s time to crash
Losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind
Yeah it´s time to crash

the replacement

want to read a psycho shit of a story?

i watched this portion of Rated K about doppelgangers a few days ago and it got me thinking, what if im a doppelganger? of course thats not possible because i have a reflection on the mirror and i have a shadow. that's proof enough im not a doppelganger. but what if, i have assumed the identity of the original person and that is why i have a shadow and reflection, like ive transplanted myself in this world already by replacing the original me. i mean, i started out as a doppelganger and i have successfully replaced the original human by assuming his identity and destroying the original. and then, because of that successful replacement, i was able to incorporate his memories to my mind, to complete the process of the assuming his identity, and it also created the effect of giving me his shadow and the ability to have a reflection. so that would explain why there was a personality change years ago, from an extrovert to an introvert (which i didnt notice, because from my point of view, nothing really changed, it was only when people pointed out to me that i have changed did i notice the difference). makes sense doesnt it? the doppelganger has always been considered as the opposite of the original person it is copying. what if that was the case? if that is the case, that would explain why i feel that i dont fit in this world, because im not naturally part of this world. as a doppelganger, i merely introduced myself to this world and assumed the identity of someone who is really fixed in this world.

there are some who say a doppelganger is a homunculus, a being with no soul. well, i would say that is true as long as the original person being mimicked still exists. by replacing the original and destroying him, the doppelganger is in effect taking everything from the original, including the soul, so he truly becomes the original. only difference is, he is the opposite when it comes to the personality. so far, that's the way i understood it. so does that mean i cant have a doppelganger anymore? because even if i have become the original, i am still in essence a doppelganger. i dont know, maybe im just trying too hard to find an explanation for my eccentric existence.

learn how to drive you moron!

commuters and pedestrians should learn how to drive so that they could realize how inconsiderate they are to drivers and owners of vehicles. some pedestrians cross the road without regard for the motorist's safety. damn pieces of shit! they dont just put their lives in danger, they also put the motorist in hazardous situations! and when they get hit, what do they do? they sue! well, if they live of course. well, there are heirs too. anyway, they ask for compensation! how dare you mr or miss foolish pedestrian! ask a motorist to pay for your recklessness? what the crap's wrong with you? you crossed the road as if there was no vehicle in sight. you refuse to use the colorful foot bridge by the MMDA which is only a few meters away. it's there for your safety but decide to live dangerously. now you get hit because of lack of prudence or sheer stubbornness and now you ask for compensation? well, that's civil liability for you silly motorist.

as for the commuters, well, they are just plain lazy and inconsiderate. they always ask the jeepney driver to let them get off anywhere they want! there really should be designated jeepney stops, like in UP Diliman, where the sheds are usually the loading and unloading zones. the UP drivers follow this! there are commuters who would ask the jeep to stop, in the middle of the road, and they would bang their fist on the jeep's ceiling! holy crap you dimwit! the jeep needs to slow down first and look for a convenient parking spot in order not to be an obstruction in the road. there are some commuters who would get off after another commuter just got off a few meters away. too lazy to walk? and of course, there are those commuters who would rather have the jeepney driver violate the traffic rules. why? because if the driver gets caught, they are not the ones who will pay! so, they would shout at the driver, let them alight from the vehicle, insist even if the driver would say that it's not a loading and unloading zone. they dont care, they want to get off, now!

of course drivers have their faults too, but most of the time, their faults are that they put the commuters and pedestrians life in danger by driving too fast and recklessly. but as for pedestrians and commuters, their fault, well, some of them, come from their ignorance of driving. if they knew how to drive, they wouldnt do those annoying things they do. or so i think.

doctor, doctor i am sick

ever went to the doctor and hear him ask this question: "have you engaged in sexual intercourse in the past two weeks?"

and he has that facial expression where he seems to have already formulated an answer to the question but asks it anyway so he could hear you say the answer. and he would then insist that the answer must be truthful as possible in order for him to prescribe the correct medication. and then you try to recall the past two weeks. where have you been? who were you with? what did you do? holy crap! two weeks! that's a long time! its just another one of those summer vacations where there is no everyday routine like going to school! nothing is really planned during the summer vacation except big barkada out of towns or family vacations. and then you slowly remember the things that happened within that two weeks. so you are about to say you're answer. problem is the answer is neither a yes or no! you're not sure! what the? if you cant be sure about it, then, well, they must have been really wild parties, or you're the one who just likes to get wasted, anytime and anywhere. f*ck fear, drink beer! a little illness is nothing to a man with no fear...no fear until the results come out and hope that it's not one of those goddamn acronyms.

umm...sorry but can i look at your..umm...

ever had those days where you can't tell whether you know this girl or not? and the only way you can be sure about it is when you get to see if she owns this type of panties? of course, you ask yourself, how the fuck could you ask her that? you can't just approach her and say "umm...im not sure if i know you, but can i look at your panties?" or "do you have this pink panties which has a ***** print on it? just wanted to confirm whether i know you". does that mean her panties are better than her face that you cant remember her? maybe just too busy paying attention to her panties then. what can you do, her panties are more interesting than her! well, not really, but at that time, it was her panties that was catching all the attention. isnt that the same thing? there's really no excuse, its her panties that you remember and not her. what a pervert! if you had these kind of days, or at least experienced this, most likely, someone has called you an asshole or a goddamn jerk. and most likely, a slap in the face from the girl if she overhears you saying this: "what girl? oh you mean the one with the so and so panties? yeah, i think i remember her. nice panties, who is she again?". not that she doesnt have a pretty face, of course she does! that's why you remember her face. problem is you're not good with names that's why you cant remember her. then what about the panties! if she's pretty then why isnt her face enough to remind you if you really know her! of course you remember her face, that's why she looks familiar. problem is, you're just not quite sure, so the panties would merely confirm it. anyway, no matter what you say, there's really no excuse for this. and since you are bound to get slapped if you actually say this, might as well say this too: "yeah you are pretty, no doubt about that, but that doesnt mean you're sexy! heck, that's why i remember your panties, it just looks so sexy. so be thankful to those panties you were wearing because if not for that, you're just another pretty face!". wait, did i say slap? i meant brutal beating.

Goin Crazy

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake. - Narrator (Fight Club)

TBFKARI

The Blog Formerly Known As Rageaholic Insomniac.

Why the name change? well, obviously it's hard to write entries under the influence of rage, since by the time you're sitting in front of the PC to write about an infuriating experience, the rage has subsided. So, let's just focus on the insomniac attacks instead, or entries under the influence of lack of sleep. or entries of similar nature.