fight club syndrome

im starting to feel like edward norton in fight club. i feel like im pulling tricks on me and there's a tyler durden lurking. i havent had sleepless nights for quite some time and so im not an insomniac lately. but what if thats not really true. i mean, am i even sure if im awake right now?

i dont know. lately, ive been tempted to ask people if ive instructed them to not tell me things that ive been doing lately. the same way when edward norton started asking members of the fight club not to talk to him but answer only to tyler durden. of course, this is paranoia. pure and simple. i dont even know why i feel that way. there are mornings i would wake up feeling weird and very tired. i remember the things ive done before i sleep but how sure am i that i really did sleep? or that my memories are real and not altered by a split personality? i havent had memory gaps for years. what if a split personality is filling it in with fake memories? i mean, my other personalities have been quiet for months now. i mean, there's not much mood swings lately.

also, ive been withdrawing from people lately. if that is true then people wont have a clue if im up to something weird or doing something weird. so asking things from them wont be much help.

its really hard to know or realize if youve gone mad. how could you possibly determine if you're crazy right? if you still have a sense of sanity, the fact that your crazy means that the insane side has taken over. if it has taken over, then sanity would have a hard time taking control again because insanity itself is seen to be something very irrational. how can a rational sane mind fight the irrational when it follows no rules? by forcing conformity? i mean, thats the safest approach sanity can adopt, i think. just follow the rules of conformity and socially acceptable practices. you cant go wrong with that right? an insane mind cant possibly exist in a strictly conformist world. as logn as sanity can force this in the insane mind, control can be regained by sanity. problem is, what if that is exactly what insanity wants sanity to think. that insanity is making sanity to believe that the person is living in the world and conforming to its norms when in fact, its all make believe or all in the head. its like making sanity think that the world is moving when reality the world is standing still. if insanity is in control, it can pull off all the illusion and different forms of deception it possibly can. it is an erratic force of irrationality. but isnt the fact that im writing this means im sane. well yes if i really am writing this and someone from the real and sane world can read this.

another rage entry?

ever since this semester started, i dont recall an instance where i was glad to be home. everytime i got home, i wished i was somewhere else, like studying in the library. thats why i dont eat my dinners at home from tuesday to thursday. i just dont want to go home or stay home. thats also why im staying longer in the library, opting to study there as long as i could. why dont i want to go home? well, its still a home and not just a house. it just so happens that i dont like it. i just end up getting pissed the moment i enter it. actually, the only place i like in it is my room, where i usually lock myself up. other than my room, the PC is the next best thing in it. since highschool, ive wanted to have a place of my own but im too lazy to do something about it. if i didnt go to lawschool, might have saved some money to move in a cheap apartment.

lost again!

tired of losing battles with myself! Eve6 would probably say, "change your mind!" or change your state of mind. it isnt that easy! especially when my mind has the advantage over me. it just sucks. i mean, here i was trying to improve myself and when im drained and trying to recharge myself to continue my momentum on studying habitually, my mind pulls a fast one on me. since im too drained to resist the intense feeling of laziness and the headaches my mind is throwing at me, i gave up and just slept, hoping by the time i wake up, my mind would be a little clearer. when i got home, still feeling very drained. slept again. hours later, my mind seems to have a good hold on me, i cant force myself to do anything but sleep. not that i dont want to study (actually that's what i want to do right now), but try as i might, (and i did try several times), my mind either makes me feel like i took a sleeping pill, or it hovers somewhere else, meaning i cant focus on what im doing. and right now, my "spidey" sense is tingling. ok, not tingling and not even spidey sense. i dont even know what it is. well, its a rash. a rash that appears on the same spot on my arm from time to time and varies in size. i dont know what it means or what it signifies everytime it appears. but its there now and its itchy. actually, its not a rash, im sorry, its more of an insect bite. and like i said, it appears from time to time and its on the same exact spot on my arm. it wasnt there when i switched on the PC but its there after i talked on the phone. i just dont know why an insect bite looking rash appears and disappears. there's got to be a reason. anyway, im digressing, going back to losing battles to myself. it sucks! im really getting tired of it. other people would say i just lack of discipline. maybe they are right but try telling that to the ones who takes charge of my brain whenever im drained. i mean, thats the only time the inmates run the asylum, when im too weak to protest and counter their stealth attacks. its a never ending conflict inside my head.

pick up line

not sure if someone already thought of this but my line involves saying that im an exorcist. why? cmon, cant guess why? hint: what enters a guy's mind if he sees a sizzling hot chick. or what does he want to do.

fucked up. thats what you are.

this is turning into the blog of a rageaholic. actually, this blog started as that kind of blog.

anyway im sleepy and pissed. im pissed with some people's lack of understanding or perception that they are fucking different. what's pisses me off more is that they cant fucking accept it. why? because they fear rejection. so they strive to claim they're normal when they cant substantiate their claims. thats bullshit driven life! that's the reason why they are being rejected in the first place! they refuse to fucking accept things and insist on making a fool of themselves. they are even fucking sensitive of the most non-sensical stuff. hey, get a fucking life! because the way you are right now is annoying and youre just becoming a social liability. social liability because you aint got no significance in this goddamn world with that kind of twisted state of mind. the set of beliefs you have are yours and your alone. i have no problem with that as long as you dont fucking insist that its the belief everyone else should have! who the fuck do you think you are? im only going to listen to you if you are backed-up with facts or really attuned to the social pulse. heck, you dont even have a clue of how the society thinks dont you? what more on how society works! it obvious with the way you think and the way you act. you wont stand a chance in the real world boy! the fact that you think you're ready to face the world even with no experience or first hand knowledge, actually, not even the faintest knowledge of what reality is outside your goddamn home makes you a helpless, childish, insignificant boy! its not the age that makes a man. if you cant beat yourself and get out of the delusional state of mind you're in, then dont come complaining to me. ive had my share of demons in my head, and im still constantly having battles with them. but you dont see me pretending to be normal. i acknowledge it. i face it. i try to overcome my fears and not hide in some self-induced dreamworld or world of pretend then insist that other people should follow suit.

again

did i just say i hate it here? to reiterate, i fuckin hate it here. and bayantel, fuck you! what the fuck is wrong with your internet service! nice customer service is not equal to good internet service

hate!

i just hate it here!

offends the senses...well, offensive to the ears

like i said, one reason i keep my mouth shut is because i have nothing good to say because i really have a very arrogant mind. another reason i keep my mouth shut is because, this is related to what ive said, the things i say offends people, like my uber green mindedness. it would appear that the only thing i always think about it sex or something most would consider as sexual harassment. its not like i could say a compliment to a girl with a nice shirt by saying, "hey, nice shirt, i like the way it hugs your tits". i mean, it does look nice and it also makes her tits look good too. but people would find that offensive, especially when said out loud. its not like im telling her that her tits are perfect for some nice breast fucking. its just a statement of fact that with the shirt she's wearing, the only thing a guy can see or focus on is her wonderful, nicely shaped breasts! that made the shirt nice. at least she knows what some guys think. wait, thats not green mindedness, thats just an offensive comment that could send me to jail! what the crap am i talking about.

anyway, maybe the next time someone asks me why im so quiet, i would reply "fuck! cunt! slut! cocksucking motherfucker who screws any horny son of a bitch and licks the pussies of drunk whores!" and if they get offended, i would add "thats why im quiet, my concept of freedom of speech is not the same as what you people are willing to hear. my concept is the one civilized people want to regulate. the moment i say what i think, they say that's where the limits of the freedom of speech begins." i agree with them but unfortunately, i do have a very dirty mind so i better control my filthy mouth. ooh, filthy.

arrogant? yeah right

ive been told a couple of times that im an arrogant jerk. Ha! they havent seen me in my full blown arrogant mode. if they already think im arrogant, well, they wont be able to take what i am when i dont try to control myself. i mean, im always exerting some self-control and they dont even sense that? and the reason im arrogant or very arrogant towards some people is that because, maybe, just maybe, they are worth treating like trash! now, thats arrogant, right? not yet. what made them trash is because they dont recognize greatness. that greatness is right in front of them! they are stubborn, ignorant and clueless idiots who think they should be treated like i am their equal or that we are equals. ha! i may have stopped seeing myself as a superior being but i havent abandoned the fact that there are inferior people that walk this God forsaken planet. and if these inferior people dont know how to improve themselves and evolve, then they should be treated like trash. because that is what they fuckin are. and i dont like to be bothered by these useless creatures who assumed a human like form.

now, that's just annoyingly arrogant right? see, if they think ive shown them arrogance, then well, they will just have to either keep up with it or stop talking to me. im doing the best i can not to crush people by saying what i really think. that is one reason i keep my mouth shut, because i dont have anything good to say.

need sleep

its been what? two weeks? two weeks of sleeping around 2am or 3am. need to sleep more! its making me sicker in the head, fucking up my already fucked up sense of existence!

jessica alba is just sizzling hot

jessica alba is so hot! i dont understand what makes her hot but does it matter? well, i was thinking a few days ago that if someone looked like jessica alba, it just not the same. even if she looks prettier, its not jessica alba. there's just something about her...or what she has become. i mean, i first saw her (or noticed her) in Idle Hands (because i didnt know she was in the movie Never Been Kissed), and she wasnt that hot. she was hot but not as sizzling hot as today. she's so hot, if she had children today (cant say if she will be hot forever) i wont be surprised if her own son falls in love with her or her own daughter becomes a lesbian. i know its disturbing and jessica alba would probably be scared to have children if that is likely to happen but im just saying there's something different with jessica alba's hotness. i would have posted a pic of her but there's just so many nice pics of her, i find it hard not to post a lot of them.

do i look like a girl?

ok, im bored and its 3am...

definition of terms

i slept around 4am and woke up around 1030am. anyway, here's a few nice words.

drive-by shooting: the act of taking a picture while driving a car, especially while driving at high speeds.

gut-instinct: the habit of tucking one's stomach to hide it. people who do this usually have large bellies or a slight beer belly

flash of beige

its past midnight on a tuesday morning...very early morning. was complaining a while ago im sober again (its a monday night and im sober! fuck, i miss the good ol days when i can drink to my heart's content...well, until im too drunk to keep myself awake).

anyway, something flashed in my head a few seconds ago. a nice piece of ass wearing this sexy beige panties. weird part is, when it flashed in my head, i had this feeling of familiarity with that ass with the beige panties on. it is as if, ive seen it before up close, real close. how close? about a foot away from my face. but i cant remember seeing that hot panty covered ass before. why the feeling of familiarity as if it happened before? maybe i need to go to sleep.

problem is...

Seems like ive got lots of problems to think about at the moment. im doing the waiting game again.

anyway, another problem is, i want to be a leader but i prevent myself from assuming any such position. so, no matter how much i would like to lead, i just have to force myself to be just a member of group. why? its easier to be just a member (meaning, the lazy ass part of me wins). but i would like to lead because i like to get things done in an efficient and effective manner. i want to create and run a well-oiled machinery!

the reason i give in to the part of myself who just want to be a member is because if i become a leader, i want absolute loyalty and compliance. i dont want to be questioned and i dont tolerate dissenters (with the exception of asking for their dissent, besides, i always give options...but giving options is an illusion).

so, im really more of a totalitarian. i demand the trust of those who want me to lead them, and not doubt my judgment. but of course, when i lead, i make sure i know what people want from me, what they expect me to do, my powers and its limits. also, i must know my members' capabilities and limits and potential. that ive been entrusted to run the group and do the tasks as efficiently and effectively as possible. that's how i like to do things. but, people dont like a dictator right? besides, sometimes i cant expect the group to run at the same pace as i am, so ill just end up disappointed (so im a bit of a slave-driver sometimes). so better just stay in the backseat and allow someone else to run the show. people want democracy, people want freedom. i want them too, but i think a little bit of dictatorship is good sometimes. because there are some who are just plain undisciplined and those who deserve no mercy.

problem is...

another fucking problem of mine is that i dont have the word "blame" in my vocabulary. so no matter how much blameworthy a person is, i dont blame anyone and will not blame anyone. fucking frustrating aint it? so ill just have to find a way to rationalize the situation. blaming someone would make things easier but, it wont solve the problem now would it?

problem is....

you know what my problem is? i think im looking for someone more reliable than me. just a theory. a theory to explain why i dont easily fall for a girl. im not saying girls arent reliable, its just that, the ones i like dont seem to be more reliable than me. why do they have to be more reliable? so i would be impressed of course! call me an arrogant jerk or an asshole because i am.

i think its been a decade now

been a decade? decade of what? decade of saying: "God, im sorry but i hate it here! when can i leave? im tired of this life and this place, this planet. im tired of everything."

but i know God knows, that deep in my heart, there's something small, a small part of me deep within, saying, "maybe things wont be that bad tomorrow". that small part is like a trace amount of optimism in a pessimistic person. its a needle in a haystack thing, obviously, the needle is optimism and the haystack is pessimism. but its not about finding optimism within pessimism but knowing its there. it may not be seen but it can be felt. it can prick anyone if someone accidentally comes across it. and the fact its there makes a whole lot of difference.

so what's the point of this entry? even if i've been chanting this...this...whatever you call what i said on the first paragraph, as long as there's a part of me that's hoping, i remain human and must stay here. this where humans belong. ok, im just throwing underdeveloped ideas. sorry, its 3am in the morning.

what would be nice?

what would be nice right now, and i mean right at this moment, is a light rain. is there such a thing as light rain? what i mean is a drizzle. a fine, gentle, misty rain. just thinking of it is making me feel better already. the thought of a gentle cool air. relaxing. because right now, the summer heat is really making itself felt at 12am in the morning. in addition to the cool, misty midnight would be a nice, soft couch. yup, a nice comfy couch. and to make things perfect is a girl. a very pretty girl. me, sitting beside a very pretty girl on a comfy couch on a nice cool evening. maybe someone like jennifer garner. that would be nice. why her? i dont know, it just so happens im getting some jennifer garner wallpapers right now for my wallpaper collection. wait. thats not quite perfect. what would complete things is some good snack. a box of pizza and liter of coca-cola or pepsi cino. aah. that would really be relaxing isnt it. so there. what would be nice, right at this moment is spending a cool and relaxing rainy night with a pretty girl on a couch with some good food to eat. yup. that would really make my night. unfortunately, i cant control the weather, i dont have that comfy sofa, im not with a pretty girl, i cant order pizza and i ran out of cola. great huh?

just a thought

just a thought: wedding crashing psycho

i was watching The Guru (starring movie hottie Heather Graham) the other day and thought of The Wedding Crashers (because of the ending in The Guru) and it got me thinking. is it possible to be this guy who would show up at weddings and object on allowing the couple to get married? why you ask? well, just for the sake of objecting. i mean, when the priest starts to ask whether there's someone who objects or has a reason why the bride and groom should not be married, i would shout "i do!". then, i would make up a bogus reason or story and see if the bride would have second thoughts of getting married. of course, im a complete stranger so i guess i better sit at the back so i could run away from the angry mob. there surely would be an angry mob because i just ruined a precious moment of a person's life. harsh right? so i was thinking whether i could be this professional wedding crashing pyscho. so who would hire me? of course, those who wants revenge on one of the couples. am i that heartless? maybe.