not even God can stop it

the future can fuck itself. im not participating.

where are you going?

why did you drive around aimlessly? are you trying to run away? you want to quit huh? you mean it this time. and no one believes you. isnt that always the case? when they think they know, when they least expect it, shit happens. funny. it really is. everyone's got shit for brains. haha. no one really senses it. they lie. they claim they do but the irreversible has been done. if they sensed it, why didnt they lift a finger? laughable creatures. youre smiling now arent you? youve seen the gate. the most tempting gate youve seen in your entire fucking life. makes sense doesnt it? perfect.

goodbye sex?

not really. its just i made the effort of seeing the one im sort of dating before i leave for a southern province tomorrow. and when i was about to leave her and before she gave me a parting look with a sweet smile on her face, i said "bye-bye" to her. i dont normally say goodbye unless its for good. i hope it was just a meaningless utterance and not life's way of speaking through me. it kinda bothered me while i was in the mall looking for a nice traveling bag.

i tried to see her earlier today because i was thinking that if my plane crashes (due to the bad weather), at least i was able to see her recently. but then again, i was just out with her recently too. i watched TDKR with her, and with her older sister who acted like a chaperone, on TDKR's release date. the fact im exerting some effort to win her heart makes me wonder whether im as "not serious" as i thought i was.

she even teased me that im in love with her and im going to miss her during the two days im going to be miles away from her. its just two days! cmon! but then again, i cant shake her off my head after our first date. damn it! this cant be happening...im really liking someone again...for the fourth time. i know this is going to end in another "my back has been breaking from this heavy heart" because "I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all".

and the pertinent portions of the song I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) by FOB are (with personal edits):

"I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope. The record won't stop skipping and the lies just won't stop slipping. And besides my reputation's on the line. I can fake it for the public. Force a smile while im half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me.

My back has been breaking from this heavy heart. I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all"

if i had a superpower...

i was a kid who collected comic books so i grew up reading about superheroes. i was fascinated by their superpowers of course. i thought every kid goes through this phase of wanting to have superpowers. not sure about korean kids. i saw somewhere that they dont have superheroes similar to the ones depicted in american and japanese comic books. i think their heroes are more realistic in nature like war heroes. if i remember correclty, or if the show i saw is accurate, south korea doesnt really have a superhero that has a superpower

anyway, i dont remember what superpower i wanted when i was in grade school. i collected a lot of comic books and my bias was the xmen. well, x-men blue team to be more specific. my favorite character was nightcrawler (and he was no longer part of xmen by the time i was collecting comic books) for marvel and batman for DC. i think batman is the only superhero i like in the DC universe. even if i had a lot of comic books, i dont recall playing pretend that i was a superhero with a superpower. i recall playing detective. hmm. its only now that i realized that. that cant be right. maybe i really just cant recall.

i remember liking fire a lot when i was in high school. so i naturally wanted to have the ability to create and control fire as a superpower. wait. now, i remember, i wanted super speed when i was in grade school. i didnt care about super strength. fuck that. everyone wanted to have super strength. i didnt like quicksilver and the flash but i wanted super speed as my superpower. going back to high school...i wanted to have pyrokinesis as my superpower. but i didnt like pyro. hmm. i liked the superpower but i didnt like the characters that possessed them in the comic books.

i stopped collecting comic books in high school because of...anyway, it was traumatic for me... things just changed after that. i started seeing things differently. crap. i guess this post is going to my other blog. i mean, after that...i dont even know what to call it...hatred just consumed me. i trusted no one. i lost my cheerful self and judged people with their actions. thinking about it now just makes me think im correct to have changed myself. mankind is a hopeless cause.

i originally intended to post about what superpower i want now but after remembering something...my brain is back to its twisted self that i find it difficult to write something nice and sane.

if only i can go back in time and punch my 2004 self

for some strange reason, i think a part of me knew how things will be. until now, there's a voice at the back of my head giving me hints on what to expect. thats why ive trained myself for years to prepare for a future a part of me knows. this part of me already showed me a path for me to take. but i had to change my course in 2004. i can distinctly remember that during my senior year in college, i had no regrets until that point in time. i could die, i could just drop dead and not worry about anything because i was satisfied with the way i lived. as misinterpreted by some, its not really happy life but its filled with contentment nonetheless. and ever since 2004, it was just a series of wrong turns, wrong decisions, and what used to be a peaceful existence became a life filled with regret. i really should just listen to myself

am i meant to embrace "the cold darkness"?

the thing is...i feel stronger when i do. having a heart isnt my thing. it really makes me wonder how other people can draw strength from their hearts. they become unstoppable. their will, their determination illuminates beautifully, radiating a warm and infectious glow, melting down obstacles as they go along. i cant do that with my heart. i noticed that ever since i started having feelings, thats the same moment i started living in fear. im not strong enough to feel pain. i feel im rotting from the inside.

back when i was cold and emotionless, i had no worries. i feared nothing because i felt nothing. my mind functioned effectively and efficiently. i absorbed knowledge like my skin can absorb it from the surrounding air. my level of comprehension of things around me was incredible. i really felt like i was one with whatever im supposed to be one with. i was at peace. i was unstoppable in a way. my determination was stronger when im not bothered by feelings. looking back, i think its whats right for me. its time to embrace solitude once again.

is it really equivalent exchange?

so what did i give up for a good enough future? i offered my happiness, my health and my safety. initially, i only offered my happiness but i thought it wont be enough. i can eventually manage living without her so it can be argued giving up my happiness is not much of a sacrifice. that's why i also offered my health and my safety in case my happiness isnt sufficient as payment. now it seems all my three offers were accepted in exchange for a future that only a solitary person like me would dare ask. some would say its stupid to enter into such an agreement. yup. i would agree. but im not really in a position to bargain. at least its something good enough.

it will never happen

if only people knew the things i put up with, the things ive gone through, the fucked up things ive done. i hate it when i hear what people think of me because most of the time, its far from from the reality i know. what do they know? they always think things are ok with me. things are going well for me. some even think they know me.  everyone has problems, everyone has baggage and no one has figured out what the fuck im afraid of and what im running away from. does it not strike them odd why i hate people so much? why i hate relationships? why i always appear to give excuses just to hide the fucked up things i put up with? i whine because im tired. i avoid people because im tired. im tired. im tired with everything and with everyone.

right now, my past seems to be finally catching up with me. im getting tired of running away from it. im tired. im tired. im tired.

just say it wasnt you

what else is new?

my staying single remains to be a hot topic, especially in offices. some are in favor, some are not. some end up debating whether its a good thing or a bad thing. they say its good because i dont have to worry about anyone else except myself. some say its bad because its sad and pathetic.

well, its not that i dont try. it just so happens that it doesnt work out with women i truly like. or i lose interest after some time with women that are just good enough. or i have a weird craving for a weird company. right now, for example, i would like to go out with sizzling hot identical twins (yes, sizzling hot is necessary. if its just the usual average identical twins, its twice the averageness). there are times i dont want to go out with intellectual people because it bores me. there are times i cant stand airheads. but most of the time, airheads are ok. point is, i need a girl with an ever changing sense of variety that can adjust to my moods to make her interesting at the right time. since thats impossible, only a variety of women will suffice. unfortunately, its difficult to sustain long term relationships with these women so the next alternative is a steady supply of replacements. its a lot of effort to find these women and its difficult to keep on making new introductions. 

so what did i do today?

i slept a lot today...in the office. i slept very late again. i remember, while sleeping at my desk earlier today, my arms started to feel numb. so i decided to adjust my position. but for some strange reason, i cant move. i simply cant. so i tried waking up. again, i cant. i cant open my eyes. it was as if my physical self wasnt responding. so i asked myself, "am i dying?" normally, after asking that, i would start to think how silly it is to die inside the office. its sillier to have died while sleeping in the office. but after asking the question, i simply waited if there's someone else that would answer. no one did. so i thought, im still alive. then how come i cant move? how come i cant open my eyes? then i thought, im stuck in a dream. the fact that i didnt start wondering about how silly it is to die in the office was because if i started thinking about it, i can visualize it like a dream and i will notice im still dreaming. and true enough, i was still dreaming. i was dreaming that im inside the office, trying to wake up, thinking im already half-awake. after realizing it, i tried changing the dream so i can get myself out of the dream that i was stuck in. after doing that, i felt my body move and so i adjusted my position. i woke up for a brief moment, then went back to sleep.

work came a little late today. i have no internet connection in the office, no office computer too. all i have is my laptop for my research work. and i dont feel like using the laptop since i dont want to waste energy. well, too much energy. 

this post doesnt really belong here

my SoShi addiction is far from over. I saw their Gee music video last year by accident. It was during the time the Wonder Girls were very popular. While everybody was busy listening to WG's Nobody and trying to learn their dance, I was watching Gee instead (I remember it was even my YM status).  But even if I always watched their Gee MV as a mood changer (like 50 First Dates which i just saw last weekend. cant listen to the soundtrack since the soundtrack sets me in summer mode), I wouldn’t consider myself addicted to them yet. I just liked their music video. That was that.

It was only August of this year that I got hooked to this girl group (speaking of getting addicted, there was a time i got addicted to collecting female celeb wallpapers. thats why i have thousands of wallpapers and had a wallpaper software that would change the desktop wallpaper every 15 minutes so i could use all the wallpapers i downloaded. unfortunately, my primary source for such wallpapers already ceased to exist). While browsing for Youtube vids, I tried watching Gee again and accidentally saw their newer music video "Oh!" that’s  how it all started. Maybe it was because of the bar review and the intense boredom that I started watching more and more of their vids (or its really in my personality. im just reviving what i thought was something im too old to do). The more I watch, the more I cant not watch. And I think the reason im still hooked is because I find it impressive how nine girls can be put together and make such a group last this long (they're on their third year, going for four). Sure they underwent years of training and under the watchful eye of their agency but I think its no easy feat to select the right combination of girls. It took a few screenings and tests before the talent company was able to come up with the nine members from their pool of trainees. The fact that it worked just shows the successful screening process.

Their progress as a group is well documented too. They have programs that show them before their debut, when they moved in together in their dorm and programs that show how they progress as a group. In a way, they are overexposed (and im not complaining). But what really makes me wonder is how their manager handles all of them.  Its not like they're strictly a girl group. Some of them have other gigs as individuals, like drama actress, recurring roles in tv series programs, DJ, VJ, musicals, solo and mini projects, etc. They also attend a lot of programs from game shows to variety shows to talk shows to reality programs.  They either go as a group or just send some representative/s (so I guess there's a distinction sometimes when they attend a tv program, whether they are attending as a representive of their girl group  or in their individual capacity). They also had or have an Asia Tour Concert this year and at the same time trying to establish themselves in Japan (that's why they also have a dorm in Japan. They also attend the local japanese shows). Just last weekend, they had a concert in Taiwan. So being their manager is far from being a simple task. I think the management is lucky to have come up with nine members that can take care of themselves well but to handle so many affairs inside and outside their country and try to think of ways to properly promote them still makes their job complicated. The company/agency also have a lot of other successful korean groups. I really just find it impressive. I never had any interest in corporate affairs before but seeing how this korean company is doing well in managing its talents makes me curious about the thought process of entertainment companies. I think to be successful, the company must really look into the mind of the public and individuals, of certain classes and age groups, etc. and in promoting their kpop groups overseas, they must also study the culture, how to make a good impact and at the same time make sure that they don’t lose their korean identity as well. Their entertainment business is not simply about entertaining, its also about promoting their culture to other countries in a way that doesn’t clash or cause a negative disruption in the culture of another country. I guess its easier to break in the Japanese entertainment industry since their cultures arent too different compared to other Asian countries but the girl group is also popular in Thailand. So im also wondering if the management can go that far. And whether group will have the stamina to do it.

I don’t know how long this group will last. They could break up anytime. But with the kind of relationship they have with each other at the moment, it looks like they wont be breaking up anytime soon. They may even last forever (as they constantly say in jest to their interviewers when asked how long they will last). Another reason why I got hooked is because I really like to see a group function well. To see individuals complement and/or supplement each other. That's why I liked watching my college block, law school block and OLA team. Its nice to watch a real and unscripted sitcom.  That’s also the reason why im usually a passive observer.

gift of tongue

im fluent in gibberish. i have the nasty habit of speaking in gibberish when i think the person im talking to is just trying to engage in small talk that i know will lead to nowhere and is not really interested in what im about to say in return, the kind of chitchat initiated just to be polite or something to that effect (this applies to acquaintances wherein in their efforts to be polite, i respond by being rude). for some reason, i never developed a liking for it. probably never will. how do i know a conversation will lead nowhere? i am afflicted with this strange mental disorder wherein i have a tendency to try to foresee things or constantly attempt to foresee things by using all relevant data within my grasp and trying to crunch some probabilities and try to predict the outcome of situations. its known as a sense of foresight (which is also known as overthinking). sometimes i can predict how a conversation or situation will go so i sometimes skip to the end to save both parties the trouble of wasting time and energy (this always confuses the other party because my response is apparently unrelated but if i explain the thought process and how the conversation will lead to my response, things become clear. my sense of foresight can turn into precognition from time to time (like knowing when my phone is about to receive a text message seconds before it actually receives it. so im reaching for my phone before it actually rings. or it could just be a bunch of coincidences. i prefer to believe in the latter because there's no explanation in the former. but i acknowledge the possibility of the former because the latter, although can be rationally evaluated, sometimes proves to be insufficiently explained. and i digress)

when you accidentally come across someone you know, i dont get it why you have to say something or engage in some small talk (aside from a simple nod or hello. why cant some people be happy with a simple nod and a smile?) when apparently both parties are not really interested to talk about anything. its a complete waste of time and energy. so i made use of my knowledge of gibberish and put it into use. whenever someone tries to engage in small talk and i can see that he or she is just doing it because he or she thinks its some kind of social protocol, i reply in gibberish. and surprisingly enough, i can have a conversation with 90% of people engaging in small talk while replying in gibberish. it just shows that they arent really interested in what im saying in return.

Example:

other person: weird weather were having huh?

me: gwergy yertserd (grunt a little) gurnkit

other person: haha. yeah. did you see the news last night?

me: blurg humpf yurp egis (plus shoulder shrug)

other person: (nods head). yeah. tragic news. so what are you up to?

me: (answers with a smile and replies while widening eyes) phurt hurgd sturgs. (laugh a little) orsk cherds!

other person: good luck with that. finally found a girlfriend?

me: (inhales through mouth while trying to make eyes narrower then confused look). gurst gurd werktsurd furt prongk

other person: yeah, relationships can be tricky (then starts narrating personal experience)

me: (blank face. doesnt respond. conversation is already taking too long. just stays silent until other person breaks silence)

other person: well, nice bumping into you

me: (tight lipped smile)

some people just dont get it. im not interested to engage in the conversation. as for the 10%, they actually ask for a clarification of what i just said. that shows they're interested and i was wrong about my preconceived notion that they are just acting out of compulsion due to the dictates of social protocol of some sort. thats when i do engage in the conversation knowing that the person is actually listening.

my fluency in gibberish should not be confused with my other nasty of habit of mumbling. i mumble for two reasons: one, im too lazy to talk and is wishing i can just reply telepathically (so im interested to talk with the person and interested in the conversation but unfortunately, im overcome by extreme laziness) or two: my mind is occupied and my brain-mouth coordination is not functioning too well (in this instance, im overwhelmed by a thought and doesnt mean im not interested to talk. it takes a while before i can subdue the thought and focus on the conversation). i dont mumble when im drunk. im loud when im drunk (again, being drunk should not be confused with mere intoxication).

try to hold on for 2 months more

i might be losing it. with the mental exertion, my mental restraints and defenses are weakened. rage comes to the forefront much quicker. just bruised my right index finger when i grabbed an arnis stick to hit the wall in order to release some rage. so far i can restrain myself not to hit any object. God forbid that i suddenly black out and find out later that i smashed the laptop into pieces. i almost punched my cellphone. this is the problem when one tries to not act on negative feelings and decide to let them accumulate instead.

just forgot my name too. this is the second instance this happened in my entire life. but i think this time is much worse. the first instance was when i cant remember my name when im supposed to write it on the answer sheet during the exam. that could possibly due to some stress or anxiety thats why it took me a few seconds to remember my name. this time, i was using facebook and i saw my name and asked myself, "who the crap is...(5 seconds later) wait...that's me" i dont think this is just me forgetting who i am. another identity might be becoming more dominant.

my brain is a mess

im truly happy when it rains

i hope it will rain today. hopefully it will rain hard. really really hard. the same way it rained a few days ago. sure it only lasted for a few minutes, maybe half an hour but in that small interval of time, it made feel im seeing a glimpse of the wrath of God. seeing the rain and the strong wind pour in a manner that nothing can deny them of their intended course. i liked it to the point that i found it hard not to smile. i must have looked like an idiot while everyone in the jeepney was bothered with how strong the rain was, i was trying not to smile. i really found the destructive weather very pleasant.

pop goes the weasel

i might be restraining myself too much. i always try to control everything i do and everything that i say. lately, ive been suffering from sleepless nights and very violent dreams. and there are instances where REM atonia fails and i lose the motor inhibition during the REM stage of my sleep. one time i dreamt of shouting at someone for interrupting me while i was talking only to wake up acting out what i was just dreaming about with one hand pointing in the dark to where the person i was shouting at was supposed to be (im inherently a dictator with a very short temper. the only reason i like democracy is because im not in power. it sucks to be in a dictatorship and be at the powerless end of the system). fortunately, despite the REM atonia failure, it didnt restore the use of my vocal chords or i would have been heard shouting in the middle of the night. this is why i always keep my door closed and locked while im asleep. its for everybody's safety. maybe i should loosen up a bit? nah. i think i would rather snap. i find the abruptness in it appealing.

note to self

always place condoms in a secure place. always.

i was surprised to see my box of condoms on my "work" desk at home. in plain view! WTF! i dont remember how it got there. its like the time i was surprised to see a couple of condoms inside the laptop bag. i placed it there but i forgot about it. now i understand the article i read about a guy trying to explain to his wife how a condom was hidden in his laptop. he said his friend borrowed his laptop. well, if someone did borrow my laptop and found those condoms, he would be in the same predicament as the guy explaining it to his wife.

anyway, why cant women have or carry the condoms? i mean, theyre the ones who decide whether a guy is going to get some or not. shouldnt they be the one's carrying the "protection"? if they say no, its a no. its always a yes for a guy. so a guy having the condom is a bit redundant. a woman having the condom is a "yes". a guy without a condom is still a yes but it wont get him anywhere.

i am weak because i am my own source of strength

i get along fine on my own. but i wont get far on my own. im too "individualistic". ive relied on myself because thats the only way i know how. i derive whatever strength i have from within me. improvement starts with I, and with this philopophy ive strived to become better and stronger but always gave an emphasis on the "I" part. my team has an "I" in it. its always "I", "me" or "myself". my idea of being strong is not relying on anyone for help. ive benefited with this philosophy but like i said, it wont take me far enough to where i want to go. having one self as one's only source of strength isnt really much.

i just noticed that others find their source of strength from other people, from family and friends. and i think thats a better approach. because failing, or falling down wont be as hard and getting back up isnt as difficult when there are people who are ready to be a source of strength.

unfortunately, i dont know how to do that.   

i am whatever i say i am

the problem with me is that im less human than the average human being. i dont have as much irrational tendencies as most humans. im too rational to function normally. its the mistakes or errors that i make that make me human and probably not much else. i dont have that passion for stuff, sympathy or compassion for other people and my ability to love is really more of something still rooted on what's rational. ive been criticized of being too serious and being an overthinker. im a very bored person because my life got no surprises. i rely heavily on reason and logic that its automatic for me to try to determine the most probable outcomes or the logical conclusion out of almost every situation hence destroying whatever surprise there might be simply because im not a fan of uncertainty and surprises make me feel stupid because it makes me appear that i had no idea of what's happening around me. and i just said a very long sentence. i try to be objective as much as possible and become subjective when i think there's a need to be subjective. im easily filled with hate and hate is an emotion more based on reason unlike love which is harder to explain. so im really more of a mechanical being constantly engaged in thought processes. the only thing that makes my existence non-mechanical is my belief in God.

the interesting thing with what i just stated is that it only holds true to my current state of mind. i guess out of greed, of wanting too much, even wanting to become more than just me, i try to become everything i like.

north of nowhere, south of somewhere

so what's next? i dont know. right now, staying perfectly still, sitting on my chair in my room with my mind completely blank seems like a very good idea. right now, im heading nowhere with no one with nothing. so whether i do something or not makes no difference at all. i dont know if im stuck or i reached the end of this so called journey and this is the destination.