you dont have to say it, i know by your inaction

how come i dont hang out with friends anymore? simple, i dont have any invitation. although i do crash from time to time but that was before. i dont think i should continue doing that. i know now when to leave and say goodbye than overstay my welcome. the fact that theres no invitation just shows that ive overstayed my welcome. actions do speak louder than words.

can someone pick me up? please

irrationally picky, easily distracted, utterly anhedonic - Marshall Eriksen talking to Ted Mosby in "How I Met Your Mother"

irrationally picky. how did i solve this? simple, remove the picky part and remain irrational. and when i say irrational i mean commit to something no sane person would commit to.

easily distracted. im currently solving this by shutting everyone out. that way i can keep my focus. and live in my own isolated world and still remain irrational. and become insanely serious.

utterly unhedonic. can be solved by lowering my standards of enjoying something? maybe someday. even if im bored 99% of the time, i rarely notice the boredom now. its become a state of mind. life doesnt surprise me anymore.

its nice to watch sitcoms. ive used it before as a way to describe a human lifetime. applying it to me, im retired. im not part of any sitcom at the moment. im still fixing my resume. or waiting for someone to cast me and make me part of any sitcom that needs an arrogant and pyschotic hard to please asshole

feign ignorance

you can get away with things when you act stupid. sure, some might take advantage of you when they think you dont know but since youre faking it, you know better and try to make use of the appearance of ignorance to your advantage.

some people arent really good with explaining things or too lazy to teach so they try to get rid of the ignorant person as soon as possible and they do that by not making an issue of things and just let the person go his or her way as if what just happened didnt happen or isnt much of a problem. in short, they just let it pass instead of getting pissed in the end because its hard to argue with ignorant people after all. they dont get it. and for those feigning ignorance, they will never get it for the simple reason that they refuse to get it.

acting stupid is...well, stupid. but if youre lazy, being stupid really makes things simpler. because people see you as a simpleton. so they wont try to make it complicated for you. and if you get in a complicated situation, thinking of the level of competence you have (or what they think you have), they wont be pissed as much since they have lowered expectations. everyone would be easier to please too. all you have to do is exceed the expectations a little bit. example, if everyone can do 50 pushups, consistently project yourself to be capable of 45 and struggling to do make 48. to impress them, just do 53 pushups when in fact you can do much more. the good thing about this is, people would underestimate you and dont expect much from you. you can take things easy and there wont be much pressure because as far as other people are concerned, you dont amount that much. and you wont be embarassed when you dont know something because people dont expect you to know it in the first place. the bad thing about feigning ignorace is that it doesnt promote personal growth because you arent challenged and you limit your room for improvement. and if you feign ignorance long enough, there's a big possibilty that you may actually become that stupid person you are playing because you dont have the motivation to be more than what you actually are. and if people learn that youre pretending to be stupid, they will see you as a big fat liar and very pretentious asshole and you will lose your credibility (because thats what feigning ignorance is all about, lying). if this happens, even if you dont know something, they wont believe you that you dont know. so, youve created a heavier burden if you get caught. so you should only do this to people you arent close to, like acquaintances or strangers. so what if you appear stupid to them? of course it matters to some, but if you think about it, so what? at least create lowered expectations with regard to these people you dont know very well.

another thing, even you are feigning ignorance, you also have to show that you are trying to learn, only that, the learning process is slower. so you also have to be mindful of what to learn or pretending what to learn. so its just like lying. actually it is lying. know your lies and be consistent about it. be consistent of what you are ignorant of and what you ought to have learned. constantly saying "i dont know" on the same question isnt believable. sooner or later you are bound to know the answer. so remember how many times you can say "i dont know" to a particular question.

point is, feigning ignorance is sort of a lazy man's strategy (like lying in bed and letting the other one do all the work). it makes things simple because people wont complicate things for you and they wont expect much from you. sure, its not a good reputation, to be seen as that stupid guy but when you know its not true, will the reputation matter if youre really some lazy-ass SOB? not really. its easier to impress people too. but because its a lazy man's strategy, you also reap the consequences of laziness like substantially diminished self-development. and since feigning ignorance is false representation, you also reap the consequences of misleading people like losing credibility. so is it worth it to feign ignorance? well, in a complicated world, feigning ignorace to have a simple life is a way to decrease the stressful world order. but since its not really a good thing to do, one has to be prepared to confront the consequences. this is for the lazy person. because feigning ignoraice is also the strategy of people who are hiding something, like evil secrets or something like that.

sustainable growth...

means the ability to stay erect for 15 minutes or more during intercourse or long enough until the girl reaches her orgasm.  

what the crap happened?

i few months ago i was saying that i have achieved virtual invisibility. people dont notice that i exist. sure its depressing to not be acknowledged or be recognized as somebody (even as a simple acquaintance) as opposed to being treated like a non-existing entity but at least life is simple. and i was even asking myself, now what? im living as if i dont exist because people arent giving any attention to me so what do i do next? i never got to answer that question because i just never did. i thought of how long i can stay invisible. unfortunately, i wasnt able to sustain it. after months of trying to be invisible, it only took probably a few weeks to reverse all of it. wait, why try to be invisible? well, maybe out of curiosity or im just plain twisted.

anyway, im far from invisible thats for sure. maybe after months of trying to get rid of the attention, i just had to burst out again and be that ADHD kid that i used to be. its like one person took notice and the rest of the world just followed suit. now my phones wont stop ringing due to the text messages (although there was a week that it didnt ring as often), people keep asking stuff, favors, questions, etc. then theres the online world which is another matter. its like i made things complicated again.

inducing death

it seems im cleared of my blood illness. well, as of last month, my blood levels are ok and its been like that for almost a year. so its safe to assume im in good condition. and its also means that i just lost my one way ticket out of here. crap. i need to think of other ways of making death come knocking at my doorstep. how about AIDS? all it takes is a "dirty needle". nah...thats suicide and im not into that kind of thing.

declaration of dependence

im still the go to guy. this sucks. no matter how much i try to discredit myself, im still that sucker people go to. if there's something needed, they go to me. no matter how rude i treat them or how harsh my comments are, they just keep coming back. im still that person who appears to be worth asking even if i really dont give a good answer. what the crap! why go to me! im tired of being asked to do this or do that or answer this or that. sure i say no, but they really are stupid that i see that they wont be able to do it properly. i give in too easily. thats my problem

hurt you bad

the thing thats frustrating with dealing with people is that you cant hurt them, either physcally or emotionally. well, actually you can but you shouldnt. especially over shallow stuff. people hate you if your a hater. shit. and its hard to be hated for the simple reason that you need to operate within society. you force yourself to be nice so as to make things easy. sometimes i ask, is it worth it? i mean, there are instance when you start to think, a couple of years in jail might be worth it just to hurt this person. sometimes i just have this urge to hurt people emotionally. not that i find satisfaction in it but i just think that person needs to be hurt. or that person is just pissing me off. the thing is, if you hurt someone, most likely, someone will come to defend that person and the one who inflicted the harm most likely too ends up with no one to take his or her side. thats whats frustrating about it. thats where patience comes in, to deal with the frustration. and im really getting sick and tired of patience.

Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*

well, im finally hit. not the way i provoked it nor the way i expected it, but nonetheless im hit. been asking it for months, maybe even years. trying to make them hit me. hit the emotional part of me. hurt me. i felt i needed it. i needed a bad review. a criticism. an insult. a nasty gossip. a half-truth blown out of proportion. even a crazy yet credible lie. wasnt able to get any of it. but i did get the same effect as if the things i was trying to get out of people materialized. i got a form of ostracism. some kind of invisibility. to have an unacknowledged presence and existence. to be taken out of the loop. to do a disappearing act no one notices. 

now that im hit, what next? it depends. it depends whether my demons can take advantage of the situation and allow myself to be engulfed by them. i doubt this will happen. my mind is too strong to snap. or, i allow myself to slowly rot within, gradually creating a new state of mind which would allow my demons to exert some degree of influence. discretion remains but it takes a form shaped by the pain of being hit. 

why did i want to be hit? to pacify the demons within. but unfortunately, i wasnt hit the way i wanted to be hit, the way i expected it. it skipped a step. and it matters because it changes the course of things when things dont go as expected. its similar to a miscalculation that could have unthinkable effects. and unfortunately again, this one doesnt have a plan B. thats the risk of tinkering with one's mind and having one's mind tinkered and staying sane all throughout. order and chaos in an abstract yet organized mix.

the demon named pride

when will i be able to swallow my pride? at the moment, its a bit unimaginable. i really cant. im willing to carry the burden, or accept whatever consequences so as not to swallow my pride. why? its just because i cant do it. i dont know why. i just cant. there's this one instance where i let go of something good just because i let pride prevail. its been more than a decade and i refuse to regret my actions. i could be in a much better situation if i just swallowed my pride. and ive been doing it again and again and its just like im digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. well, no one can save me after all. my life, from past to the present to my future, is mainly my never ending battle with my own demons. and pride is one of the strong ones. its so strong, it need not lurk within me. its got a good hold on me that im pretty much its puppet.

rage building sessions

nothing pisses me off more than a slow internet connection. oh wait, there is something. its slow and intermittent internet connections! im not blaming my internet provider because it might not be their fault. its just really pisses me off that if i could just do an "incredible hulk", im going to fucking destroy a city everytime i experience a fucked up internet connection. its going to be like "goodbye metro manila"

im a very sinful person

pride and sloth are two of my "favorite" of the seven deadly sins. well, its because its these two im most prone to do. im not saying im proud of it, but its kind of inherent in a sense i cant get rid of it easily. and ive indulged in it in the past. next in line would be gluttony, then wrath, then envy, then lust and lastly, greed. as for the five remaining deadly sins, i think gluttony, wrath and envy is sort of embedded within me too but they''re easier to control compared to pride and sloth. as for lust and greed, i have good control over it at the moment.

people keep saying im a very nice person. its because i exhibit self-restraint all the time. thats why im very reserved. i try to always control myself. because if i dont, well, im going to be in a lot of trouble. im not saying im going to raise hell everyday, maybe only when im really fed up but point is if i loosen up, the harder it becomes for me to control myself in a sense its like a once you pop, you cant stop phenomenon. and if that happens and i get used to it, i wont even try to control myself anymore. i wil never keep my mouth shut and say whats on my mind and its going to look like im attacking everyone around me. im going to do what i believe is worth doing regardless of the consequences because im going to think my judgment is always right.

anyway, even when im intoxicated, i still exhibit self-restraint. no one has seen me really loosen up.

walking contradiction

i secretly desire to be a bum. actually, ive done that a lot of times and of course, no one likes a bum. and since its pointless to go against social norms, ive realized that its not realistic to live like a bum for the rest of my life. unless ive got loads of money. and i dont think im going to exert a lot of effort to get loads of money just to bum around for the remainder of my life. thinkin of where i am now, society would say im doing fairly well. not bad, not that good either. i mean, im a student! im not earning anything at all. im still a very useless member of society...at the moment. and what im doing is a far cry from being a bum. if things continue the way they should be, i would be contributing a lot to society. im going to be a responsible asset to the social system. well, thats whats expected of me anyway. and of course, i hope i meet those expectations. but i still cant remove the thought of just wasting my life away doing useless stuff. its very childish i know but i guess thats my way of not growing up. and the moment ive abandoned trying to do what i want and actually accept that theres some things i have to do, its a way of giving my consent to act like an adult. which kinda sucks but as red foreman kind of said, to be an adult, you have to take a lot of shit you dont want and live with it. something to that effect.

greatest pleasure...

is to break your enemies, to drive them before you, to take all the things that have been theirs, to hear the weeping of those who cherished them, to press in your arms the most desirable of their women - Temujin

that is why killing your enemies is more of an act of kindness. death does not really hurt them. it saves them from the pain and misery.

change ur mind

i think one way of changing one's personality (or forcing a new one to emerge) is by depriving myself of sufficient sleep...for weeks. will i try to confirm it?

pleasant view

how come large boobs and hot legs and nice asses, for some reason, have magnetic effects? i mean, if you see large, plump and somewhat succulent looking breast, the eyes of an average guy finds it (the wonderful breasts) on its own and cant stop taking glimpses (for those with weak minds who lose control of their eyes easily, cant stop their eyes from staring at it). the same is true for long, sexy, sizzling legs. if a guy sees a girl wearing short shorts, he cant prevent himself from looking. and that doesnt stop there, he has to look at where the legs begin, which is the hot piece of ass (most of the time) that completes the magnificent sight. even if the guy doesnt mean to look, once his eyes detected it, most likely, his eyes wont be able to resist and would need to take a second glance. and then a third and a fourth and so on until the boobs or the legs or the ass is out of sight. these female body parts do have strong magnetic forces for some reason. wait, let me make it more accurate. these female body parts dont have magnetic forces per se, only some females possess or have the ability of attracting the male eyes and exercising some form of control over it. ive experienced it so many times and im still puzzled up to this day. its not i lose my mind, its just my eyes start to have a mind of its own. even if i try to distract myself and let my mind wander and float to a far away place (like the kingdom of dusts or a castle made of shards of glass. what you think about doesnt have to make sense, all you need is something weird enough to grab your attention temporarily, long enough for the magnetic force of the boob, ass and/or legs disappers), my eyes still find a way to look at it again. the next thing i know, im looking at the heavenly view, again and might be staring already. if its heavenly, why not look at it? because im a sinner and dont deserve to look at such a captivating sight. the more you look, you become more of a sinner. and besides, if people see you staring or even taking too many glimpses, people would find that sinful and really offensive. thats another thing i dont get with society and people. if women wear these short shorts and tight shirts, arent we suppose to look at them and appreciate the beauty that emanates from it? for some reason, society has trained guys to be embarassed to look too much or stare or glimpse too much at such hot and intensely attractive parts of the female body (which of course isnt true to all, maybe only to most guys, or just some). i mean, why wear a skirt and all day long you keep pulling it down? if youre not comfortable wearing it or worried guys would keep looking at your marvelous legs, dont wear it. like i said, those legs are like magnets. they attract male eyes. but then again, thats also dangerous because some guys just dont get it. guys can only look at it and nothing else unless permitted by the owner of the body part to do something more than just look. the clothing that exemplifies the magnificence of the legs, the breast or even the ass does not mean that guys can harass the owners of such wonderful female body parts (sorry if i use the term "body part", im not in the mood to think of a better term and besides, it sounds more "anatomical" and less sleazy). if the girl is worried guys might see her panties, then dont wear skirts that short in the first place if all day long you would worry about it. there was this girl in powerplant who wore such a short skirt and didnt worry if her panties can be seen. well, it turned out she was a lingerie model so she was comfortable with what she was wearing. did we stare? nope, we were too embarassed of course. but still, its hard not to admire her set of legs. too bad, we cant take a picture, that would be just too much.

stop listening!

call me crazy because i might just be. its been weeks that ive suspected that people can hear my thoughts. its like everyone's a mind reader. here i am, sitting, minding my own business when some people talk to me and they talk to me about what im thinking. exactly what im thinking at that moment! example, im being quiet, not saying anything and i look at a person and i think of something im going to say or would say sometime later and that person suddenly looks at me and answers me as if i just said what i was thinking. ok, this happened only twice. coincidence most likely right? but it appeared to me during that time that they heard me and they didnt know i didnt speak because they werent looking at me.

the other instances were just people telling me stuff which coincided with what i was thinking earlier or a day ago or days ago which i didnt bring up. its like, they answer me even before i ask. like i said, im crazy. i think im paranoid. well, i am paranoid. i wont argue against that. my mind likes to play tricks on me. convinces me to believe things that a rational and sane person would shrug off easily for being absurd and extremely idiotic and silly.

rage here rage there

for some reason, i was filled with rage this morning. but of course, its all in my head. i really dont express the rage im feeling or else i would be imprisoned either in jail or in a mental institution (temporarily of course because once the rage subsides, im back to my harmless and sane, or almost sane, self). its like letting the incredible hulk loose and the only difference is that i dont grow those big muscles and dont turn green (or gray, if you want to be comic book geeky about it). its like having this tall guy breaking stuff and growling incoherent phrases and incomprehensible grunts (i mean, grunts can be comprehensible you know).

anyway, dont know where the rage came from. here i was in the library, reading assigned readings when all of a sudden, a surge of rage comes filling my...umm..senses? point is, im suddently filled with rage and of course hatred. its like i want to burn the building down. of course, i try to control it so that there wont be a manifestation of such violent anger. or potentially violent anger. its like i want to kill people indiscriminately just to blow off the so-called steam. i just want to go berserk just to release it. but of course, theres a time and place for that and im far from both of it. so i take a deep breath and force myself to relax. i try not to think of anything. so that was my morning. doing some breathing exercises because the rage keeps popping up from time to time.

maybe my body's psychic (whoa, i dont think ive ever heard this before. the mind is usually the clairvoyant part of man, and not the body). i mean, on the latter part of the day, i was so pissed. i was starving because i havent eaten for 9 hours. i got called and my recitation wasnt good. i was drained and tired and no longer absorbing anything from the class but the class just kept going and going. it was hard to commute because it was very late. i wasnt able to return the videos i rented which were already overdue and i saw some of those who work in the video store heading home (meaning, they just closed, probably not more than an hour before i saw them). when i ordered some food from mcdonalds, i had to wait for a few more minutes (it mattered because i was starving! fast food is suppose to be fast! is that too much to ask?). even with this very lousy and irritating day, i didnt feel the rage i felt earlier. it was a good thing because had i felt the rage during the latter part of the day, it would be harder to control. i would have gotten myself into a fight with a stranger. i could have pushed the guy in front of me off the moving jeepney while it was running on the elliptical road. i would have stood on the cashier counter of mcdonalds and kicked their cash registers. i could have elbowed the face of the guy sitting beside me. ok, maybe im exaggerating, except for the last one because i was really tempted to elbow his face just for the sake of releasing some anger. i mean, if my body was psychic and knew that im going to have a bad day, might as well get rid of the rage before i get really pissed due to legitimate reasons. i mean, its easier to feel the rage when there's nothing to be angry about because the rational side would be in full control of the situation. i was so pissed during the latter part of the day that i was muttering profanities during the class. of course not loud enough for people to hear, i hope. if the rage kicked in, i would have shouted and violently demanded that the class should be stopped because it was way beyond 830pm and its getting late. ok, maybe not violently demanded but rudely protested. not sure if the rage im feeling is a result of 10 years of not losing my temper. ok, thats another exaggeration. ive lost my temper from time to time and when i do, i cant stop myself from hitting things and throwing stuff. when i know i cant control my anger and i still have enough strength to control it, i sometimes pick something to destroy and go somewhere where ill be alone and release the anger. i remember picking up my badminton racket, going to my room and "mutilated" my racket by hitting the wall until my racket cant be used to hit anything. i sometimes punch my monitor when the internet connection is just so fucking intermittent. sorry for that PC monitor. good thing it didnt break. well, i didnt break the screen but eventually, with the number of times ive punched its screen, it had some internal damages, so it broke down last saturday. that is, if the diagnosis of the technician was correct. im tempted to buy a baseball bat so that i can use it to hit things when im pissed. and what i want to hit are side mirrors. ok, thats a bit expensive because i dont think i could get away with that. windshields would also be nice. or throwing tv sets from building windows.

sausage fest and pretty chicks

one thing i like with riding jeeps is the chance of getting to ride with a pretty girl. i prefer not to sit beside them so i can look at them and admire their beauty. im not a pervert. it just so happens that its nice to look at a pretty face while riding the jeep and waiting to get to your destination. i mean, there really isnt much going outside or there's not much to see outside the jeepney. there might be a scenery of some sort but ive seen it a million times. its a daily route after all. why the crap would i enjoy looking outside the jeepney. the only time that would happen if theres something unusual that occurred and that doesnt happen often. thats probably why drivers tend to slow down and try to take long looks at car crashes. not even car crashes, even minor accidents like fender benders. so it worsen traffic flows because not only is there an obstruction on the road, the passing cars slow down near the accident area.

anyway, i get disappointed when i ride a jeepney filled with guys. i call it a sausage fest borrowing the term from the movie Eurotrip. thats why sometimes i dont ride a jeepney when i see from afar that its mostly guys. the short trip wont be fun. of course, an exception would be is when im in a hurry so i wont be that choosy. and when i get to ride a jeepney filled with women, i quickly scan for the pretty one. if there is none, at least im riding with females or sitting beside one. i would rather sit beside a girl than a guy of course. not because im homophobic but cmon if you think about it and if given a chance to choose, would a guy choose to sit beside a guy or a girl? isnt it human nature for a guy to prefer to sit beside a girl than have a guy keep brushing himself against you? ive experienced that and it irritated me a lot. i wanted to say, what the crap is wrong with you? why do you keep brushing against me? are you gay or something? but of course, if that was a girl, i wont complain. i wont feel awkward. the same thing can be said when the person sitting beside you is falling asleep. you wont mind if it was a girl that occassionally rest her head on your shoulder but if it was a guy, you'd probably move your shoulder away.

making things less creepy

i saw a creepy old guy last week when i went to megamall. the old guy eyed me up! it creeped me out because i thought he was following me. i mean, i was there minding my own business reading the movie schedule on a bulletin board of some sort when this old guy stood beside me and looked at me from head to toe and just kept doing that while i was reading the schedule. i walked away and wandered around the mall and minutes later, i saw him again looking at me. this time i was on a different floor and ive been walking for quite some time already. so i thought, was he following me? why? i dont know him, i made sure of that. i took a good look and im sure ive never seen him before. so why is he looking at me like that? is he checking me out? i hope not.

so while walking away from the mall and heading toward the MRT just to get away, i tried to think of possibilities why that old guy was doing that eyeing me up thing. trying to rationalize stuff so i wont be creeped out. well, having the fertile imagination, wait, not really fertile but crazy imagination i have, two theories of weird origins made the situation less creepy.

first theory: he came from the future! i mean, what if this old guy was sent from the future to make sure that i dont stay in the mall. he looked like he was making sure i am who i am by looking at me like that. its like, "is he the guy im supposed to talk to or warn"? maybe he came 50 years from the future and probably if he knows me from the future, ive aged a lot. so he was trying make sure that he didnt interact with the wrong guy. so maybe his instruction was that to make me go away from the mall. if it was, then he accomplished his mission by creeping me out. maybe he was told that im a bit homophobic. so by acting like a creepy old man, i would be freaked out and head as far as away from the mall. why should i not be in megamall? maybe im going to be killed by some crazy serial killer who hates tall guys wandering in malls. or what if he's a bad guy from the future who scared me away from the mall so i wont meet the girl im supposed to fall in love with. crap! if thats the case, he also accomplished his mission. another possibility is that he was supposed to tell me a message from the future and was making sure im the right guy. well, if that was his mission, then he failed because he creeped me out before he could tell me the message. but i doubt that. if it was me who would send a person to tell me a message, i would pick a hot girl with the message written on one of her boobs. what if they ran out of hot chicks in the future and the only one available was the creepy old guy? well, then that future is not worth living in and i would probably be having a miserable time. maybe thats why he sent the old guy back, so that future wont happen. shit. i just ruined the future then. well, ruined it for straight guys. i think straight guys are a dying breed.

second theory: the sixth sense! i see dead people and the first dead guy i see is this creepy old man. the reason he was eyeing me up is because he cant believe i can see him and he's making sure i can see him. but why didnt he tell me something or just ask. if he's really a ghost and saw a living person capable of seeing him, i dont think he would be speechless. i mean, i should be the one speechless if i see dead people. also, the people around him dont seem to be paying attention to him, as if he was invisible. but then again, people in malls just mind their own business.

so why are these theories less creepy when the first talks about the future and the other is about seeing dead people? well, maybe because they're amusing and less probable and unrealistic than facing the possibility that the old guy was really checking me out. i mean, i would choose the two theories i made up than think that the old guy looked me from head to toe just because he likes to look at me like that. thats creepy.