im the greatest

i realized im such a great guy. i honestly think i am. im not perfect. why would i want to be perfect in an imperfect world? it would be pointless. its like wearing a white suit on a farm on a rainy day. it may look great but it doesnt really fit in. its like trying to be a god on earth. its silly because god's dont belong on earth. they may be worshipped but whats the point being worshipped by worthless mortals. and being perfect is plain boring. trying to be perfect is a whole different thing.

anyway, yeah, i am a great guy. i just realized that. if i were to believe what people say about me, my flaws arent bad enough to make me...not great. problem is, my form of greatness isnt really the fun kind. that kinda sucks. and im not great enough to demand stuff. being great sucks.

No!

No matter how hard you plan your life. Life has a plan for you on it's own. Life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control...resistance is futile (Wedding Daze, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Star Trek).

If that's what life is all about, then my answer to it is NO! with a big N and O. NO! life's plan sucks.

im starting to find peace. im starting to be ok again. so please life, leave me alone. i want no more surprises of the very disruptive kind. actually, im wondering, how the hell do you plan to execute your plan? i mean, really, is this how you do it? by being a pest?

im one of those people who believe there's no such thing as coincidence and everything happens for a fucking reason. so far life you havent given me a good reason.

the five scariest words

i never thought how scary these five words can be until you actually hear it: pakasalan mo ang anak ko. holy crap! even if it was said in a non-threatening manner, its still the five scariest words put together.

my head hurts

damn it. im going to baguio tonight and im feeling a bit dizzy. and i drank alcohol last weekend. and i have no idea about the status of my blood condition. too late for a check-up. when i went to baguio for the block xmas party, i had my blood checked one week before (and i conditioned my body weeks before by walking home from school which is a considerable distance and is good exercise). well, im too busy to drop by a doctor's clinic.

actually, ive been feeling dizzy lately. no headaches though. only now. will i live long enough until thursday? i think my current condition isnt that bad. im just out of shape. and currently in physical pain. the things i endure.

and a portion of my upper body hurts when i laugh. thats...annoying. its like i feel pain whenever i express joy.

2012

if 2012 is what i think it is, then it will be proof that there's no such thing as coincidence. well, i have to live long enough to ascertain that 2012 is what i think it is. right now, all i can say is that i think its an interesting and peculiar year. and if my assessment is right, all my personal roads lead to that one year. 2012.

im a bridge?

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn... I'm the one you burn.- Louis Salinger

life is beautiful

life is truly beautiful despite its imperfections and flaws.

unfortunately, im greedy. im never satisfied. i want more than what this life can offer. knowing that life can never be perfect, im in a constant state of frustration and disappointment. life is beautiful but that doesnt mean i can be happy and enjoy it when it can never give me what i want. its beauty is not enough to please me. thats why i tried to restrain my desire, my wants. because i know my expectations and standards are high. and ive been successful in forcing myself to be contented with what life has given me. but lately, my wants are running loose within me. certain matters happened this year that made me lessen my restraints on my wants. and now im more frustrated than ever. although life remains beautiful, all i can see is its ugly nature. that it has to be imperfect to make it fulfill its purpose.

Death

the good thing about death is its promise of eternal peace. for the atheist at least. for the non-atheist, death brings the possibility of eternal damnation.

unfortunately im not an atheist. and ive been waiting for death for more than a decade.

coffee, cigarettes and sisig...

are my current constant companions. ang sugar, spice and everything nice are the perfect ingredients for a short and miserable life

the age of...

is it time for the age of fred? crap. locking and unlocking personalities isnt a fun thing to do. one personality was unintentionally locked away. well, because he became irrelevant.

now fred is the best personality for the job but the problem is...there's no go signal yet. and the go signal may never come. but unleash fred anyway? 

the chain of hatred has been broken, rendering another personality almost insignificant. another one to be locked away. 

things wont be the same again. there is no turning back. there is no going back to the old self. fred will eventually have to take over. crap. the drop dead fred treason and plot did happen. 

the fifteenth

lately, ive been hating the 15th of the month. now im thinking about april 15. do i know someone born under this date? i dont think so. but somehow i feel that april 15 is somewhat significant. did anything happen in the past that fell on the 15th of april? i dont know. if i dont remember then it must be not significant enough. whats with the 15th of april? well, if i cant find anything significant about it but i still think theres something important about the date, it only means one thing...i should do something to make it significant. makes sense.  now i would have a reason to say that april 15 is important. im just tired of being nice. ive gone too soft. i think its time to bring back chaos and hatred. 

missing my old self

where the hell is my old self!!!! i miss my coldhearted, twisted self who finds pleasure in choking people's necks just to see them in pain. who likes to play mind games and manipulate people's perceptions. who likes to conjure sick plans just to upset the established order. ive gone too soft, too nice that it sickens me. i hate myself right now. ive been hating myself for 2 months now. i hate it when im not rational. i hate it when i dont think properly. i hate it when im truly nice. im really, really stupid right now. 

the living dead

i went to see the eraserhead's final set concert last night. it was good. it was memorable. i had a great time. but i didnt really feel much compared to the first installment of the reunion concert. not sure if it really was the concert itself but im starting to think that my love for other things, like the eraserheads and their music, has started to dwindle considerably. well, my sibling's didnt love it as much as the first, so i guess maybe it was the concert. maybe im just worrying that the reason why i dont have that much love for other things is because i died the moment i started to live. and my question to myself is, would i rather be dead or would i endure living a life im not used to? 

skepticism

is what i consider to be my greatest strength and weakness. there's always room for doubt. 

im dying!!!

i wish!!! im just losing weight. i dont think im dying nor is it any indication im sick, or contracted a very serious disease like one of em acronym illnesses. 

im getting extremely booooooooored. i want to mess with someone's head but i dont have anymore targets. damn it! 

unleash the sadge? i'll think about it...right now, its fred's turn. 

all i know right now is that im really, really, boooooored. 

im death on two legs

You suck my blood like a leech
You break the law and you preach
Screw my brain till it hurts
You've taken all my money
And you want more
Misguided old mule with your pig headed rules
With your narrow minded cronies
Who are fools of the first division
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart of your own
Kill joy bad guy big talking small fry
You're just an old barrow boy
Have you found a new toy to replace me?
Can you face me?
But now you can kiss my ass goodbye
Feel good are you satisfied?
Do you feel like suicide?
(i think you should)
Is your conscience all right
Does it plague you at night?
Do you feel good feel good?

You talk like a big business tycoon
You're just a hot air balloon
So no one gives you a damn
You're just an overgrown schoolboy
Let me tan your hide
A dog with disease
You're the king of the 'sleaze'
Put your money where your mouth is
Mister know-all
Was the fin on your back
Part of the deal? (shark)
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart (you never did) of your own
(right from the start)
Insane you should be put inside
You're a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride
Should be made unemployed
Then make yourself null and void
Make me feel good i feel good

its time to transform

into a different person simply because its a new year. im thinking of becoming a megatron searching for his starscream.

"you fail me yet again starscream"

i am...

the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. im the guy you go to if you want to make something happen. haha. 

i was born intelligent...

but philosophy changed me.

i used to be a kid with a bright future. optimistic, cheerful, full of hope. now, im just some silent type, focused on world domination. haha. 

Casino Royale

You see women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits. - Vesper Lynd

if men were to be categorized between the former and the latter, i would fall in the former. its sounds bad but it can go either way. women can see men as disposable pleasures too. thats my best justification for belonging in the former category.