problem is...

Seems like ive got lots of problems to think about at the moment. im doing the waiting game again.

anyway, another problem is, i want to be a leader but i prevent myself from assuming any such position. so, no matter how much i would like to lead, i just have to force myself to be just a member of group. why? its easier to be just a member (meaning, the lazy ass part of me wins). but i would like to lead because i like to get things done in an efficient and effective manner. i want to create and run a well-oiled machinery!

the reason i give in to the part of myself who just want to be a member is because if i become a leader, i want absolute loyalty and compliance. i dont want to be questioned and i dont tolerate dissenters (with the exception of asking for their dissent, besides, i always give options...but giving options is an illusion).

so, im really more of a totalitarian. i demand the trust of those who want me to lead them, and not doubt my judgment. but of course, when i lead, i make sure i know what people want from me, what they expect me to do, my powers and its limits. also, i must know my members' capabilities and limits and potential. that ive been entrusted to run the group and do the tasks as efficiently and effectively as possible. that's how i like to do things. but, people dont like a dictator right? besides, sometimes i cant expect the group to run at the same pace as i am, so ill just end up disappointed (so im a bit of a slave-driver sometimes). so better just stay in the backseat and allow someone else to run the show. people want democracy, people want freedom. i want them too, but i think a little bit of dictatorship is good sometimes. because there are some who are just plain undisciplined and those who deserve no mercy.

problem is...

another fucking problem of mine is that i dont have the word "blame" in my vocabulary. so no matter how much blameworthy a person is, i dont blame anyone and will not blame anyone. fucking frustrating aint it? so ill just have to find a way to rationalize the situation. blaming someone would make things easier but, it wont solve the problem now would it?

problem is....

you know what my problem is? i think im looking for someone more reliable than me. just a theory. a theory to explain why i dont easily fall for a girl. im not saying girls arent reliable, its just that, the ones i like dont seem to be more reliable than me. why do they have to be more reliable? so i would be impressed of course! call me an arrogant jerk or an asshole because i am.

i think its been a decade now

been a decade? decade of what? decade of saying: "God, im sorry but i hate it here! when can i leave? im tired of this life and this place, this planet. im tired of everything."

but i know God knows, that deep in my heart, there's something small, a small part of me deep within, saying, "maybe things wont be that bad tomorrow". that small part is like a trace amount of optimism in a pessimistic person. its a needle in a haystack thing, obviously, the needle is optimism and the haystack is pessimism. but its not about finding optimism within pessimism but knowing its there. it may not be seen but it can be felt. it can prick anyone if someone accidentally comes across it. and the fact its there makes a whole lot of difference.

so what's the point of this entry? even if i've been chanting this...this...whatever you call what i said on the first paragraph, as long as there's a part of me that's hoping, i remain human and must stay here. this where humans belong. ok, im just throwing underdeveloped ideas. sorry, its 3am in the morning.

what would be nice?

what would be nice right now, and i mean right at this moment, is a light rain. is there such a thing as light rain? what i mean is a drizzle. a fine, gentle, misty rain. just thinking of it is making me feel better already. the thought of a gentle cool air. relaxing. because right now, the summer heat is really making itself felt at 12am in the morning. in addition to the cool, misty midnight would be a nice, soft couch. yup, a nice comfy couch. and to make things perfect is a girl. a very pretty girl. me, sitting beside a very pretty girl on a comfy couch on a nice cool evening. maybe someone like jennifer garner. that would be nice. why her? i dont know, it just so happens im getting some jennifer garner wallpapers right now for my wallpaper collection. wait. thats not quite perfect. what would complete things is some good snack. a box of pizza and liter of coca-cola or pepsi cino. aah. that would really be relaxing isnt it. so there. what would be nice, right at this moment is spending a cool and relaxing rainy night with a pretty girl on a couch with some good food to eat. yup. that would really make my night. unfortunately, i cant control the weather, i dont have that comfy sofa, im not with a pretty girl, i cant order pizza and i ran out of cola. great huh?

just a thought

just a thought: wedding crashing psycho

i was watching The Guru (starring movie hottie Heather Graham) the other day and thought of The Wedding Crashers (because of the ending in The Guru) and it got me thinking. is it possible to be this guy who would show up at weddings and object on allowing the couple to get married? why you ask? well, just for the sake of objecting. i mean, when the priest starts to ask whether there's someone who objects or has a reason why the bride and groom should not be married, i would shout "i do!". then, i would make up a bogus reason or story and see if the bride would have second thoughts of getting married. of course, im a complete stranger so i guess i better sit at the back so i could run away from the angry mob. there surely would be an angry mob because i just ruined a precious moment of a person's life. harsh right? so i was thinking whether i could be this professional wedding crashing pyscho. so who would hire me? of course, those who wants revenge on one of the couples. am i that heartless? maybe.