Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*

well, im finally hit. not the way i provoked it nor the way i expected it, but nonetheless im hit. been asking it for months, maybe even years. trying to make them hit me. hit the emotional part of me. hurt me. i felt i needed it. i needed a bad review. a criticism. an insult. a nasty gossip. a half-truth blown out of proportion. even a crazy yet credible lie. wasnt able to get any of it. but i did get the same effect as if the things i was trying to get out of people materialized. i got a form of ostracism. some kind of invisibility. to have an unacknowledged presence and existence. to be taken out of the loop. to do a disappearing act no one notices. 

now that im hit, what next? it depends. it depends whether my demons can take advantage of the situation and allow myself to be engulfed by them. i doubt this will happen. my mind is too strong to snap. or, i allow myself to slowly rot within, gradually creating a new state of mind which would allow my demons to exert some degree of influence. discretion remains but it takes a form shaped by the pain of being hit. 

why did i want to be hit? to pacify the demons within. but unfortunately, i wasnt hit the way i wanted to be hit, the way i expected it. it skipped a step. and it matters because it changes the course of things when things dont go as expected. its similar to a miscalculation that could have unthinkable effects. and unfortunately again, this one doesnt have a plan B. thats the risk of tinkering with one's mind and having one's mind tinkered and staying sane all throughout. order and chaos in an abstract yet organized mix.

the demon named pride

when will i be able to swallow my pride? at the moment, its a bit unimaginable. i really cant. im willing to carry the burden, or accept whatever consequences so as not to swallow my pride. why? its just because i cant do it. i dont know why. i just cant. there's this one instance where i let go of something good just because i let pride prevail. its been more than a decade and i refuse to regret my actions. i could be in a much better situation if i just swallowed my pride. and ive been doing it again and again and its just like im digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. well, no one can save me after all. my life, from past to the present to my future, is mainly my never ending battle with my own demons. and pride is one of the strong ones. its so strong, it need not lurk within me. its got a good hold on me that im pretty much its puppet.

rage building sessions

nothing pisses me off more than a slow internet connection. oh wait, there is something. its slow and intermittent internet connections! im not blaming my internet provider because it might not be their fault. its just really pisses me off that if i could just do an "incredible hulk", im going to fucking destroy a city everytime i experience a fucked up internet connection. its going to be like "goodbye metro manila"

im a very sinful person

pride and sloth are two of my "favorite" of the seven deadly sins. well, its because its these two im most prone to do. im not saying im proud of it, but its kind of inherent in a sense i cant get rid of it easily. and ive indulged in it in the past. next in line would be gluttony, then wrath, then envy, then lust and lastly, greed. as for the five remaining deadly sins, i think gluttony, wrath and envy is sort of embedded within me too but they''re easier to control compared to pride and sloth. as for lust and greed, i have good control over it at the moment.

people keep saying im a very nice person. its because i exhibit self-restraint all the time. thats why im very reserved. i try to always control myself. because if i dont, well, im going to be in a lot of trouble. im not saying im going to raise hell everyday, maybe only when im really fed up but point is if i loosen up, the harder it becomes for me to control myself in a sense its like a once you pop, you cant stop phenomenon. and if that happens and i get used to it, i wont even try to control myself anymore. i wil never keep my mouth shut and say whats on my mind and its going to look like im attacking everyone around me. im going to do what i believe is worth doing regardless of the consequences because im going to think my judgment is always right.

anyway, even when im intoxicated, i still exhibit self-restraint. no one has seen me really loosen up.

walking contradiction

i secretly desire to be a bum. actually, ive done that a lot of times and of course, no one likes a bum. and since its pointless to go against social norms, ive realized that its not realistic to live like a bum for the rest of my life. unless ive got loads of money. and i dont think im going to exert a lot of effort to get loads of money just to bum around for the remainder of my life. thinkin of where i am now, society would say im doing fairly well. not bad, not that good either. i mean, im a student! im not earning anything at all. im still a very useless member of society...at the moment. and what im doing is a far cry from being a bum. if things continue the way they should be, i would be contributing a lot to society. im going to be a responsible asset to the social system. well, thats whats expected of me anyway. and of course, i hope i meet those expectations. but i still cant remove the thought of just wasting my life away doing useless stuff. its very childish i know but i guess thats my way of not growing up. and the moment ive abandoned trying to do what i want and actually accept that theres some things i have to do, its a way of giving my consent to act like an adult. which kinda sucks but as red foreman kind of said, to be an adult, you have to take a lot of shit you dont want and live with it. something to that effect.