walking contradiction

i secretly desire to be a bum. actually, ive done that a lot of times and of course, no one likes a bum. and since its pointless to go against social norms, ive realized that its not realistic to live like a bum for the rest of my life. unless ive got loads of money. and i dont think im going to exert a lot of effort to get loads of money just to bum around for the remainder of my life. thinkin of where i am now, society would say im doing fairly well. not bad, not that good either. i mean, im a student! im not earning anything at all. im still a very useless member of society...at the moment. and what im doing is a far cry from being a bum. if things continue the way they should be, i would be contributing a lot to society. im going to be a responsible asset to the social system. well, thats whats expected of me anyway. and of course, i hope i meet those expectations. but i still cant remove the thought of just wasting my life away doing useless stuff. its very childish i know but i guess thats my way of not growing up. and the moment ive abandoned trying to do what i want and actually accept that theres some things i have to do, its a way of giving my consent to act like an adult. which kinda sucks but as red foreman kind of said, to be an adult, you have to take a lot of shit you dont want and live with it. something to that effect.