heart of darkness

vengeful heart. these were the two words that were echoing inside my head two fridays ago while i was riding a jeepney. 

two fridays ago, i received what ive always wanted to happen. it was sad and depressing to finally get what ive been asking for. because what ive been asking for is something which is somewhat painful. something most people would dread. but i asked for it for the sake of gaining experience (and probably give me the motivation i need). 

two fridays ago, as i walked in the UP oval, i said to myself, better to get it now than get it when im old and absolutely alone. its easier to experience and feel it now when im strong enough to handle it. its better to experience and feel it now while its early because chances are it will happen again. at least i know what to expect. i know how hurtful it will be.

two fridays ago, i realized im regressing toward my old self and im not going to stop it. im tired of trying to maintain the "progress" ive made. i think im better off reviving my highschool plan (and i already did...partially. so im back on track with regard to my original plan). the only thing im not going to change when i revert to my old self is my faith. i made the mistake of giving God the finger and smashing the head of the Sacred Heart of Jesus statuette against the altar's wall just because i dont like the way He was running my life. i made a promise i wont lose my faith again and its a promise i intend to keep. with the kind of plan i have, i just hope my faith will help me endure.