i am weak because i am my own source of strength

i get along fine on my own. but i wont get far on my own. im too "individualistic". ive relied on myself because thats the only way i know how. i derive whatever strength i have from within me. improvement starts with I, and with this philopophy ive strived to become better and stronger but always gave an emphasis on the "I" part. my team has an "I" in it. its always "I", "me" or "myself". my idea of being strong is not relying on anyone for help. ive benefited with this philosophy but like i said, it wont take me far enough to where i want to go. having one self as one's only source of strength isnt really much.

i just noticed that others find their source of strength from other people, from family and friends. and i think thats a better approach. because failing, or falling down wont be as hard and getting back up isnt as difficult when there are people who are ready to be a source of strength.

unfortunately, i dont know how to do that.   

i am whatever i say i am

the problem with me is that im less human than the average human being. i dont have as much irrational tendencies as most humans. im too rational to function normally. its the mistakes or errors that i make that make me human and probably not much else. i dont have that passion for stuff, sympathy or compassion for other people and my ability to love is really more of something still rooted on what's rational. ive been criticized of being too serious and being an overthinker. im a very bored person because my life got no surprises. i rely heavily on reason and logic that its automatic for me to try to determine the most probable outcomes or the logical conclusion out of almost every situation hence destroying whatever surprise there might be simply because im not a fan of uncertainty and surprises make me feel stupid because it makes me appear that i had no idea of what's happening around me. and i just said a very long sentence. i try to be objective as much as possible and become subjective when i think there's a need to be subjective. im easily filled with hate and hate is an emotion more based on reason unlike love which is harder to explain. so im really more of a mechanical being constantly engaged in thought processes. the only thing that makes my existence non-mechanical is my belief in God.

the interesting thing with what i just stated is that it only holds true to my current state of mind. i guess out of greed, of wanting too much, even wanting to become more than just me, i try to become everything i like.

north of nowhere, south of somewhere

so what's next? i dont know. right now, staying perfectly still, sitting on my chair in my room with my mind completely blank seems like a very good idea. right now, im heading nowhere with no one with nothing. so whether i do something or not makes no difference at all. i dont know if im stuck or i reached the end of this so called journey and this is the destination.