call me crazy because i might just be. its been weeks that ive suspected that people can hear my thoughts. its like everyone's a mind reader. here i am, sitting, minding my own business when some people talk to me and they talk to me about what im thinking. exactly what im thinking at that moment! example, im being quiet, not saying anything and i look at a person and i think of something im going to say or would say sometime later and that person suddenly looks at me and answers me as if i just said what i was thinking. ok, this happened only twice. coincidence most likely right? but it appeared to me during that time that they heard me and they didnt know i didnt speak because they werent looking at me.
the other instances were just people telling me stuff which coincided with what i was thinking earlier or a day ago or days ago which i didnt bring up. its like, they answer me even before i ask. like i said, im crazy. i think im paranoid. well, i am paranoid. i wont argue against that. my mind likes to play tricks on me. convinces me to believe things that a rational and sane person would shrug off easily for being absurd and extremely idiotic and silly.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
rage here rage there
for some reason, i was filled with rage this morning. but of course, its all in my head. i really dont express the rage im feeling or else i would be imprisoned either in jail or in a mental institution (temporarily of course because once the rage subsides, im back to my harmless and sane, or almost sane, self). its like letting the incredible hulk loose and the only difference is that i dont grow those big muscles and dont turn green (or gray, if you want to be comic book geeky about it). its like having this tall guy breaking stuff and growling incoherent phrases and incomprehensible grunts (i mean, grunts can be comprehensible you know).
anyway, dont know where the rage came from. here i was in the library, reading assigned readings when all of a sudden, a surge of rage comes filling my...umm..senses? point is, im suddently filled with rage and of course hatred. its like i want to burn the building down. of course, i try to control it so that there wont be a manifestation of such violent anger. or potentially violent anger. its like i want to kill people indiscriminately just to blow off the so-called steam. i just want to go berserk just to release it. but of course, theres a time and place for that and im far from both of it. so i take a deep breath and force myself to relax. i try not to think of anything. so that was my morning. doing some breathing exercises because the rage keeps popping up from time to time.
maybe my body's psychic (whoa, i dont think ive ever heard this before. the mind is usually the clairvoyant part of man, and not the body). i mean, on the latter part of the day, i was so pissed. i was starving because i havent eaten for 9 hours. i got called and my recitation wasnt good. i was drained and tired and no longer absorbing anything from the class but the class just kept going and going. it was hard to commute because it was very late. i wasnt able to return the videos i rented which were already overdue and i saw some of those who work in the video store heading home (meaning, they just closed, probably not more than an hour before i saw them). when i ordered some food from mcdonalds, i had to wait for a few more minutes (it mattered because i was starving! fast food is suppose to be fast! is that too much to ask?). even with this very lousy and irritating day, i didnt feel the rage i felt earlier. it was a good thing because had i felt the rage during the latter part of the day, it would be harder to control. i would have gotten myself into a fight with a stranger. i could have pushed the guy in front of me off the moving jeepney while it was running on the elliptical road. i would have stood on the cashier counter of mcdonalds and kicked their cash registers. i could have elbowed the face of the guy sitting beside me. ok, maybe im exaggerating, except for the last one because i was really tempted to elbow his face just for the sake of releasing some anger. i mean, if my body was psychic and knew that im going to have a bad day, might as well get rid of the rage before i get really pissed due to legitimate reasons. i mean, its easier to feel the rage when there's nothing to be angry about because the rational side would be in full control of the situation. i was so pissed during the latter part of the day that i was muttering profanities during the class. of course not loud enough for people to hear, i hope. if the rage kicked in, i would have shouted and violently demanded that the class should be stopped because it was way beyond 830pm and its getting late. ok, maybe not violently demanded but rudely protested. not sure if the rage im feeling is a result of 10 years of not losing my temper. ok, thats another exaggeration. ive lost my temper from time to time and when i do, i cant stop myself from hitting things and throwing stuff. when i know i cant control my anger and i still have enough strength to control it, i sometimes pick something to destroy and go somewhere where ill be alone and release the anger. i remember picking up my badminton racket, going to my room and "mutilated" my racket by hitting the wall until my racket cant be used to hit anything. i sometimes punch my monitor when the internet connection is just so fucking intermittent. sorry for that PC monitor. good thing it didnt break. well, i didnt break the screen but eventually, with the number of times ive punched its screen, it had some internal damages, so it broke down last saturday. that is, if the diagnosis of the technician was correct. im tempted to buy a baseball bat so that i can use it to hit things when im pissed. and what i want to hit are side mirrors. ok, thats a bit expensive because i dont think i could get away with that. windshields would also be nice. or throwing tv sets from building windows.
anyway, dont know where the rage came from. here i was in the library, reading assigned readings when all of a sudden, a surge of rage comes filling my...umm..senses? point is, im suddently filled with rage and of course hatred. its like i want to burn the building down. of course, i try to control it so that there wont be a manifestation of such violent anger. or potentially violent anger. its like i want to kill people indiscriminately just to blow off the so-called steam. i just want to go berserk just to release it. but of course, theres a time and place for that and im far from both of it. so i take a deep breath and force myself to relax. i try not to think of anything. so that was my morning. doing some breathing exercises because the rage keeps popping up from time to time.
maybe my body's psychic (whoa, i dont think ive ever heard this before. the mind is usually the clairvoyant part of man, and not the body). i mean, on the latter part of the day, i was so pissed. i was starving because i havent eaten for 9 hours. i got called and my recitation wasnt good. i was drained and tired and no longer absorbing anything from the class but the class just kept going and going. it was hard to commute because it was very late. i wasnt able to return the videos i rented which were already overdue and i saw some of those who work in the video store heading home (meaning, they just closed, probably not more than an hour before i saw them). when i ordered some food from mcdonalds, i had to wait for a few more minutes (it mattered because i was starving! fast food is suppose to be fast! is that too much to ask?). even with this very lousy and irritating day, i didnt feel the rage i felt earlier. it was a good thing because had i felt the rage during the latter part of the day, it would be harder to control. i would have gotten myself into a fight with a stranger. i could have pushed the guy in front of me off the moving jeepney while it was running on the elliptical road. i would have stood on the cashier counter of mcdonalds and kicked their cash registers. i could have elbowed the face of the guy sitting beside me. ok, maybe im exaggerating, except for the last one because i was really tempted to elbow his face just for the sake of releasing some anger. i mean, if my body was psychic and knew that im going to have a bad day, might as well get rid of the rage before i get really pissed due to legitimate reasons. i mean, its easier to feel the rage when there's nothing to be angry about because the rational side would be in full control of the situation. i was so pissed during the latter part of the day that i was muttering profanities during the class. of course not loud enough for people to hear, i hope. if the rage kicked in, i would have shouted and violently demanded that the class should be stopped because it was way beyond 830pm and its getting late. ok, maybe not violently demanded but rudely protested. not sure if the rage im feeling is a result of 10 years of not losing my temper. ok, thats another exaggeration. ive lost my temper from time to time and when i do, i cant stop myself from hitting things and throwing stuff. when i know i cant control my anger and i still have enough strength to control it, i sometimes pick something to destroy and go somewhere where ill be alone and release the anger. i remember picking up my badminton racket, going to my room and "mutilated" my racket by hitting the wall until my racket cant be used to hit anything. i sometimes punch my monitor when the internet connection is just so fucking intermittent. sorry for that PC monitor. good thing it didnt break. well, i didnt break the screen but eventually, with the number of times ive punched its screen, it had some internal damages, so it broke down last saturday. that is, if the diagnosis of the technician was correct. im tempted to buy a baseball bat so that i can use it to hit things when im pissed. and what i want to hit are side mirrors. ok, thats a bit expensive because i dont think i could get away with that. windshields would also be nice. or throwing tv sets from building windows.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
sausage fest and pretty chicks
one thing i like with riding jeeps is the chance of getting to ride with a pretty girl. i prefer not to sit beside them so i can look at them and admire their beauty. im not a pervert. it just so happens that its nice to look at a pretty face while riding the jeep and waiting to get to your destination. i mean, there really isnt much going outside or there's not much to see outside the jeepney. there might be a scenery of some sort but ive seen it a million times. its a daily route after all. why the crap would i enjoy looking outside the jeepney. the only time that would happen if theres something unusual that occurred and that doesnt happen often. thats probably why drivers tend to slow down and try to take long looks at car crashes. not even car crashes, even minor accidents like fender benders. so it worsen traffic flows because not only is there an obstruction on the road, the passing cars slow down near the accident area.
anyway, i get disappointed when i ride a jeepney filled with guys. i call it a sausage fest borrowing the term from the movie Eurotrip. thats why sometimes i dont ride a jeepney when i see from afar that its mostly guys. the short trip wont be fun. of course, an exception would be is when im in a hurry so i wont be that choosy. and when i get to ride a jeepney filled with women, i quickly scan for the pretty one. if there is none, at least im riding with females or sitting beside one. i would rather sit beside a girl than a guy of course. not because im homophobic but cmon if you think about it and if given a chance to choose, would a guy choose to sit beside a guy or a girl? isnt it human nature for a guy to prefer to sit beside a girl than have a guy keep brushing himself against you? ive experienced that and it irritated me a lot. i wanted to say, what the crap is wrong with you? why do you keep brushing against me? are you gay or something? but of course, if that was a girl, i wont complain. i wont feel awkward. the same thing can be said when the person sitting beside you is falling asleep. you wont mind if it was a girl that occassionally rest her head on your shoulder but if it was a guy, you'd probably move your shoulder away.
anyway, i get disappointed when i ride a jeepney filled with guys. i call it a sausage fest borrowing the term from the movie Eurotrip. thats why sometimes i dont ride a jeepney when i see from afar that its mostly guys. the short trip wont be fun. of course, an exception would be is when im in a hurry so i wont be that choosy. and when i get to ride a jeepney filled with women, i quickly scan for the pretty one. if there is none, at least im riding with females or sitting beside one. i would rather sit beside a girl than a guy of course. not because im homophobic but cmon if you think about it and if given a chance to choose, would a guy choose to sit beside a guy or a girl? isnt it human nature for a guy to prefer to sit beside a girl than have a guy keep brushing himself against you? ive experienced that and it irritated me a lot. i wanted to say, what the crap is wrong with you? why do you keep brushing against me? are you gay or something? but of course, if that was a girl, i wont complain. i wont feel awkward. the same thing can be said when the person sitting beside you is falling asleep. you wont mind if it was a girl that occassionally rest her head on your shoulder but if it was a guy, you'd probably move your shoulder away.
making things less creepy
i saw a creepy old guy last week when i went to megamall. the old guy eyed me up! it creeped me out because i thought he was following me. i mean, i was there minding my own business reading the movie schedule on a bulletin board of some sort when this old guy stood beside me and looked at me from head to toe and just kept doing that while i was reading the schedule. i walked away and wandered around the mall and minutes later, i saw him again looking at me. this time i was on a different floor and ive been walking for quite some time already. so i thought, was he following me? why? i dont know him, i made sure of that. i took a good look and im sure ive never seen him before. so why is he looking at me like that? is he checking me out? i hope not.
so while walking away from the mall and heading toward the MRT just to get away, i tried to think of possibilities why that old guy was doing that eyeing me up thing. trying to rationalize stuff so i wont be creeped out. well, having the fertile imagination, wait, not really fertile but crazy imagination i have, two theories of weird origins made the situation less creepy.
first theory: he came from the future! i mean, what if this old guy was sent from the future to make sure that i dont stay in the mall. he looked like he was making sure i am who i am by looking at me like that. its like, "is he the guy im supposed to talk to or warn"? maybe he came 50 years from the future and probably if he knows me from the future, ive aged a lot. so he was trying make sure that he didnt interact with the wrong guy. so maybe his instruction was that to make me go away from the mall. if it was, then he accomplished his mission by creeping me out. maybe he was told that im a bit homophobic. so by acting like a creepy old man, i would be freaked out and head as far as away from the mall. why should i not be in megamall? maybe im going to be killed by some crazy serial killer who hates tall guys wandering in malls. or what if he's a bad guy from the future who scared me away from the mall so i wont meet the girl im supposed to fall in love with. crap! if thats the case, he also accomplished his mission. another possibility is that he was supposed to tell me a message from the future and was making sure im the right guy. well, if that was his mission, then he failed because he creeped me out before he could tell me the message. but i doubt that. if it was me who would send a person to tell me a message, i would pick a hot girl with the message written on one of her boobs. what if they ran out of hot chicks in the future and the only one available was the creepy old guy? well, then that future is not worth living in and i would probably be having a miserable time. maybe thats why he sent the old guy back, so that future wont happen. shit. i just ruined the future then. well, ruined it for straight guys. i think straight guys are a dying breed.
second theory: the sixth sense! i see dead people and the first dead guy i see is this creepy old man. the reason he was eyeing me up is because he cant believe i can see him and he's making sure i can see him. but why didnt he tell me something or just ask. if he's really a ghost and saw a living person capable of seeing him, i dont think he would be speechless. i mean, i should be the one speechless if i see dead people. also, the people around him dont seem to be paying attention to him, as if he was invisible. but then again, people in malls just mind their own business.
so why are these theories less creepy when the first talks about the future and the other is about seeing dead people? well, maybe because they're amusing and less probable and unrealistic than facing the possibility that the old guy was really checking me out. i mean, i would choose the two theories i made up than think that the old guy looked me from head to toe just because he likes to look at me like that. thats creepy.
so while walking away from the mall and heading toward the MRT just to get away, i tried to think of possibilities why that old guy was doing that eyeing me up thing. trying to rationalize stuff so i wont be creeped out. well, having the fertile imagination, wait, not really fertile but crazy imagination i have, two theories of weird origins made the situation less creepy.
first theory: he came from the future! i mean, what if this old guy was sent from the future to make sure that i dont stay in the mall. he looked like he was making sure i am who i am by looking at me like that. its like, "is he the guy im supposed to talk to or warn"? maybe he came 50 years from the future and probably if he knows me from the future, ive aged a lot. so he was trying make sure that he didnt interact with the wrong guy. so maybe his instruction was that to make me go away from the mall. if it was, then he accomplished his mission by creeping me out. maybe he was told that im a bit homophobic. so by acting like a creepy old man, i would be freaked out and head as far as away from the mall. why should i not be in megamall? maybe im going to be killed by some crazy serial killer who hates tall guys wandering in malls. or what if he's a bad guy from the future who scared me away from the mall so i wont meet the girl im supposed to fall in love with. crap! if thats the case, he also accomplished his mission. another possibility is that he was supposed to tell me a message from the future and was making sure im the right guy. well, if that was his mission, then he failed because he creeped me out before he could tell me the message. but i doubt that. if it was me who would send a person to tell me a message, i would pick a hot girl with the message written on one of her boobs. what if they ran out of hot chicks in the future and the only one available was the creepy old guy? well, then that future is not worth living in and i would probably be having a miserable time. maybe thats why he sent the old guy back, so that future wont happen. shit. i just ruined the future then. well, ruined it for straight guys. i think straight guys are a dying breed.
second theory: the sixth sense! i see dead people and the first dead guy i see is this creepy old man. the reason he was eyeing me up is because he cant believe i can see him and he's making sure i can see him. but why didnt he tell me something or just ask. if he's really a ghost and saw a living person capable of seeing him, i dont think he would be speechless. i mean, i should be the one speechless if i see dead people. also, the people around him dont seem to be paying attention to him, as if he was invisible. but then again, people in malls just mind their own business.
so why are these theories less creepy when the first talks about the future and the other is about seeing dead people? well, maybe because they're amusing and less probable and unrealistic than facing the possibility that the old guy was really checking me out. i mean, i would choose the two theories i made up than think that the old guy looked me from head to toe just because he likes to look at me like that. thats creepy.
fight club syndrome
im starting to feel like edward norton in fight club. i feel like im pulling tricks on me and there's a tyler durden lurking. i havent had sleepless nights for quite some time and so im not an insomniac lately. but what if thats not really true. i mean, am i even sure if im awake right now?
i dont know. lately, ive been tempted to ask people if ive instructed them to not tell me things that ive been doing lately. the same way when edward norton started asking members of the fight club not to talk to him but answer only to tyler durden. of course, this is paranoia. pure and simple. i dont even know why i feel that way. there are mornings i would wake up feeling weird and very tired. i remember the things ive done before i sleep but how sure am i that i really did sleep? or that my memories are real and not altered by a split personality? i havent had memory gaps for years. what if a split personality is filling it in with fake memories? i mean, my other personalities have been quiet for months now. i mean, there's not much mood swings lately.
also, ive been withdrawing from people lately. if that is true then people wont have a clue if im up to something weird or doing something weird. so asking things from them wont be much help.
its really hard to know or realize if youve gone mad. how could you possibly determine if you're crazy right? if you still have a sense of sanity, the fact that your crazy means that the insane side has taken over. if it has taken over, then sanity would have a hard time taking control again because insanity itself is seen to be something very irrational. how can a rational sane mind fight the irrational when it follows no rules? by forcing conformity? i mean, thats the safest approach sanity can adopt, i think. just follow the rules of conformity and socially acceptable practices. you cant go wrong with that right? an insane mind cant possibly exist in a strictly conformist world. as logn as sanity can force this in the insane mind, control can be regained by sanity. problem is, what if that is exactly what insanity wants sanity to think. that insanity is making sanity to believe that the person is living in the world and conforming to its norms when in fact, its all make believe or all in the head. its like making sanity think that the world is moving when reality the world is standing still. if insanity is in control, it can pull off all the illusion and different forms of deception it possibly can. it is an erratic force of irrationality. but isnt the fact that im writing this means im sane. well yes if i really am writing this and someone from the real and sane world can read this.
i dont know. lately, ive been tempted to ask people if ive instructed them to not tell me things that ive been doing lately. the same way when edward norton started asking members of the fight club not to talk to him but answer only to tyler durden. of course, this is paranoia. pure and simple. i dont even know why i feel that way. there are mornings i would wake up feeling weird and very tired. i remember the things ive done before i sleep but how sure am i that i really did sleep? or that my memories are real and not altered by a split personality? i havent had memory gaps for years. what if a split personality is filling it in with fake memories? i mean, my other personalities have been quiet for months now. i mean, there's not much mood swings lately.
also, ive been withdrawing from people lately. if that is true then people wont have a clue if im up to something weird or doing something weird. so asking things from them wont be much help.
its really hard to know or realize if youve gone mad. how could you possibly determine if you're crazy right? if you still have a sense of sanity, the fact that your crazy means that the insane side has taken over. if it has taken over, then sanity would have a hard time taking control again because insanity itself is seen to be something very irrational. how can a rational sane mind fight the irrational when it follows no rules? by forcing conformity? i mean, thats the safest approach sanity can adopt, i think. just follow the rules of conformity and socially acceptable practices. you cant go wrong with that right? an insane mind cant possibly exist in a strictly conformist world. as logn as sanity can force this in the insane mind, control can be regained by sanity. problem is, what if that is exactly what insanity wants sanity to think. that insanity is making sanity to believe that the person is living in the world and conforming to its norms when in fact, its all make believe or all in the head. its like making sanity think that the world is moving when reality the world is standing still. if insanity is in control, it can pull off all the illusion and different forms of deception it possibly can. it is an erratic force of irrationality. but isnt the fact that im writing this means im sane. well yes if i really am writing this and someone from the real and sane world can read this.
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