rage here rage there

for some reason, i was filled with rage this morning. but of course, its all in my head. i really dont express the rage im feeling or else i would be imprisoned either in jail or in a mental institution (temporarily of course because once the rage subsides, im back to my harmless and sane, or almost sane, self). its like letting the incredible hulk loose and the only difference is that i dont grow those big muscles and dont turn green (or gray, if you want to be comic book geeky about it). its like having this tall guy breaking stuff and growling incoherent phrases and incomprehensible grunts (i mean, grunts can be comprehensible you know).

anyway, dont know where the rage came from. here i was in the library, reading assigned readings when all of a sudden, a surge of rage comes filling my...umm..senses? point is, im suddently filled with rage and of course hatred. its like i want to burn the building down. of course, i try to control it so that there wont be a manifestation of such violent anger. or potentially violent anger. its like i want to kill people indiscriminately just to blow off the so-called steam. i just want to go berserk just to release it. but of course, theres a time and place for that and im far from both of it. so i take a deep breath and force myself to relax. i try not to think of anything. so that was my morning. doing some breathing exercises because the rage keeps popping up from time to time.

maybe my body's psychic (whoa, i dont think ive ever heard this before. the mind is usually the clairvoyant part of man, and not the body). i mean, on the latter part of the day, i was so pissed. i was starving because i havent eaten for 9 hours. i got called and my recitation wasnt good. i was drained and tired and no longer absorbing anything from the class but the class just kept going and going. it was hard to commute because it was very late. i wasnt able to return the videos i rented which were already overdue and i saw some of those who work in the video store heading home (meaning, they just closed, probably not more than an hour before i saw them). when i ordered some food from mcdonalds, i had to wait for a few more minutes (it mattered because i was starving! fast food is suppose to be fast! is that too much to ask?). even with this very lousy and irritating day, i didnt feel the rage i felt earlier. it was a good thing because had i felt the rage during the latter part of the day, it would be harder to control. i would have gotten myself into a fight with a stranger. i could have pushed the guy in front of me off the moving jeepney while it was running on the elliptical road. i would have stood on the cashier counter of mcdonalds and kicked their cash registers. i could have elbowed the face of the guy sitting beside me. ok, maybe im exaggerating, except for the last one because i was really tempted to elbow his face just for the sake of releasing some anger. i mean, if my body was psychic and knew that im going to have a bad day, might as well get rid of the rage before i get really pissed due to legitimate reasons. i mean, its easier to feel the rage when there's nothing to be angry about because the rational side would be in full control of the situation. i was so pissed during the latter part of the day that i was muttering profanities during the class. of course not loud enough for people to hear, i hope. if the rage kicked in, i would have shouted and violently demanded that the class should be stopped because it was way beyond 830pm and its getting late. ok, maybe not violently demanded but rudely protested. not sure if the rage im feeling is a result of 10 years of not losing my temper. ok, thats another exaggeration. ive lost my temper from time to time and when i do, i cant stop myself from hitting things and throwing stuff. when i know i cant control my anger and i still have enough strength to control it, i sometimes pick something to destroy and go somewhere where ill be alone and release the anger. i remember picking up my badminton racket, going to my room and "mutilated" my racket by hitting the wall until my racket cant be used to hit anything. i sometimes punch my monitor when the internet connection is just so fucking intermittent. sorry for that PC monitor. good thing it didnt break. well, i didnt break the screen but eventually, with the number of times ive punched its screen, it had some internal damages, so it broke down last saturday. that is, if the diagnosis of the technician was correct. im tempted to buy a baseball bat so that i can use it to hit things when im pissed. and what i want to hit are side mirrors. ok, thats a bit expensive because i dont think i could get away with that. windshields would also be nice. or throwing tv sets from building windows.