i am...

the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. im the guy you go to if you want to make something happen. haha. 

i was born intelligent...

but philosophy changed me.

i used to be a kid with a bright future. optimistic, cheerful, full of hope. now, im just some silent type, focused on world domination. haha. 

Casino Royale

You see women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits. - Vesper Lynd

if men were to be categorized between the former and the latter, i would fall in the former. its sounds bad but it can go either way. women can see men as disposable pleasures too. thats my best justification for belonging in the former category.

heart of darkness

vengeful heart. these were the two words that were echoing inside my head two fridays ago while i was riding a jeepney. 

two fridays ago, i received what ive always wanted to happen. it was sad and depressing to finally get what ive been asking for. because what ive been asking for is something which is somewhat painful. something most people would dread. but i asked for it for the sake of gaining experience (and probably give me the motivation i need). 

two fridays ago, as i walked in the UP oval, i said to myself, better to get it now than get it when im old and absolutely alone. its easier to experience and feel it now when im strong enough to handle it. its better to experience and feel it now while its early because chances are it will happen again. at least i know what to expect. i know how hurtful it will be.

two fridays ago, i realized im regressing toward my old self and im not going to stop it. im tired of trying to maintain the "progress" ive made. i think im better off reviving my highschool plan (and i already did...partially. so im back on track with regard to my original plan). the only thing im not going to change when i revert to my old self is my faith. i made the mistake of giving God the finger and smashing the head of the Sacred Heart of Jesus statuette against the altar's wall just because i dont like the way He was running my life. i made a promise i wont lose my faith again and its a promise i intend to keep. with the kind of plan i have, i just hope my faith will help me endure. 

no sexy time until next semester

damn it! i was looking forward to a nice way to end the semester. well, i have a cold and like smoking, its not advisable to have sex when one has a cold. especially when one does not have a girlfriend. it would really look lame and pathetic to try to get laid while having a cold, with either a clogged nose or a runny nose. and the coughing fits. and i think my cold wont be away for another week. by then its already the next semester. damn it. 

you dont have to say it, i know by your inaction

how come i dont hang out with friends anymore? simple, i dont have any invitation. although i do crash from time to time but that was before. i dont think i should continue doing that. i know now when to leave and say goodbye than overstay my welcome. the fact that theres no invitation just shows that ive overstayed my welcome. actions do speak louder than words.

can someone pick me up? please

irrationally picky, easily distracted, utterly anhedonic - Marshall Eriksen talking to Ted Mosby in "How I Met Your Mother"

irrationally picky. how did i solve this? simple, remove the picky part and remain irrational. and when i say irrational i mean commit to something no sane person would commit to.

easily distracted. im currently solving this by shutting everyone out. that way i can keep my focus. and live in my own isolated world and still remain irrational. and become insanely serious.

utterly unhedonic. can be solved by lowering my standards of enjoying something? maybe someday. even if im bored 99% of the time, i rarely notice the boredom now. its become a state of mind. life doesnt surprise me anymore.

its nice to watch sitcoms. ive used it before as a way to describe a human lifetime. applying it to me, im retired. im not part of any sitcom at the moment. im still fixing my resume. or waiting for someone to cast me and make me part of any sitcom that needs an arrogant and pyschotic hard to please asshole

feign ignorance

you can get away with things when you act stupid. sure, some might take advantage of you when they think you dont know but since youre faking it, you know better and try to make use of the appearance of ignorance to your advantage.

some people arent really good with explaining things or too lazy to teach so they try to get rid of the ignorant person as soon as possible and they do that by not making an issue of things and just let the person go his or her way as if what just happened didnt happen or isnt much of a problem. in short, they just let it pass instead of getting pissed in the end because its hard to argue with ignorant people after all. they dont get it. and for those feigning ignorance, they will never get it for the simple reason that they refuse to get it.

acting stupid is...well, stupid. but if youre lazy, being stupid really makes things simpler. because people see you as a simpleton. so they wont try to make it complicated for you. and if you get in a complicated situation, thinking of the level of competence you have (or what they think you have), they wont be pissed as much since they have lowered expectations. everyone would be easier to please too. all you have to do is exceed the expectations a little bit. example, if everyone can do 50 pushups, consistently project yourself to be capable of 45 and struggling to do make 48. to impress them, just do 53 pushups when in fact you can do much more. the good thing about this is, people would underestimate you and dont expect much from you. you can take things easy and there wont be much pressure because as far as other people are concerned, you dont amount that much. and you wont be embarassed when you dont know something because people dont expect you to know it in the first place. the bad thing about feigning ignorace is that it doesnt promote personal growth because you arent challenged and you limit your room for improvement. and if you feign ignorance long enough, there's a big possibilty that you may actually become that stupid person you are playing because you dont have the motivation to be more than what you actually are. and if people learn that youre pretending to be stupid, they will see you as a big fat liar and very pretentious asshole and you will lose your credibility (because thats what feigning ignorance is all about, lying). if this happens, even if you dont know something, they wont believe you that you dont know. so, youve created a heavier burden if you get caught. so you should only do this to people you arent close to, like acquaintances or strangers. so what if you appear stupid to them? of course it matters to some, but if you think about it, so what? at least create lowered expectations with regard to these people you dont know very well.

another thing, even you are feigning ignorance, you also have to show that you are trying to learn, only that, the learning process is slower. so you also have to be mindful of what to learn or pretending what to learn. so its just like lying. actually it is lying. know your lies and be consistent about it. be consistent of what you are ignorant of and what you ought to have learned. constantly saying "i dont know" on the same question isnt believable. sooner or later you are bound to know the answer. so remember how many times you can say "i dont know" to a particular question.

point is, feigning ignorance is sort of a lazy man's strategy (like lying in bed and letting the other one do all the work). it makes things simple because people wont complicate things for you and they wont expect much from you. sure, its not a good reputation, to be seen as that stupid guy but when you know its not true, will the reputation matter if youre really some lazy-ass SOB? not really. its easier to impress people too. but because its a lazy man's strategy, you also reap the consequences of laziness like substantially diminished self-development. and since feigning ignorance is false representation, you also reap the consequences of misleading people like losing credibility. so is it worth it to feign ignorance? well, in a complicated world, feigning ignorace to have a simple life is a way to decrease the stressful world order. but since its not really a good thing to do, one has to be prepared to confront the consequences. this is for the lazy person. because feigning ignoraice is also the strategy of people who are hiding something, like evil secrets or something like that.

sustainable growth...

means the ability to stay erect for 15 minutes or more during intercourse or long enough until the girl reaches her orgasm.  

what the crap happened?

i few months ago i was saying that i have achieved virtual invisibility. people dont notice that i exist. sure its depressing to not be acknowledged or be recognized as somebody (even as a simple acquaintance) as opposed to being treated like a non-existing entity but at least life is simple. and i was even asking myself, now what? im living as if i dont exist because people arent giving any attention to me so what do i do next? i never got to answer that question because i just never did. i thought of how long i can stay invisible. unfortunately, i wasnt able to sustain it. after months of trying to be invisible, it only took probably a few weeks to reverse all of it. wait, why try to be invisible? well, maybe out of curiosity or im just plain twisted.

anyway, im far from invisible thats for sure. maybe after months of trying to get rid of the attention, i just had to burst out again and be that ADHD kid that i used to be. its like one person took notice and the rest of the world just followed suit. now my phones wont stop ringing due to the text messages (although there was a week that it didnt ring as often), people keep asking stuff, favors, questions, etc. then theres the online world which is another matter. its like i made things complicated again.

inducing death

it seems im cleared of my blood illness. well, as of last month, my blood levels are ok and its been like that for almost a year. so its safe to assume im in good condition. and its also means that i just lost my one way ticket out of here. crap. i need to think of other ways of making death come knocking at my doorstep. how about AIDS? all it takes is a "dirty needle". nah...thats suicide and im not into that kind of thing.

declaration of dependence

im still the go to guy. this sucks. no matter how much i try to discredit myself, im still that sucker people go to. if there's something needed, they go to me. no matter how rude i treat them or how harsh my comments are, they just keep coming back. im still that person who appears to be worth asking even if i really dont give a good answer. what the crap! why go to me! im tired of being asked to do this or do that or answer this or that. sure i say no, but they really are stupid that i see that they wont be able to do it properly. i give in too easily. thats my problem

hurt you bad

the thing thats frustrating with dealing with people is that you cant hurt them, either physcally or emotionally. well, actually you can but you shouldnt. especially over shallow stuff. people hate you if your a hater. shit. and its hard to be hated for the simple reason that you need to operate within society. you force yourself to be nice so as to make things easy. sometimes i ask, is it worth it? i mean, there are instance when you start to think, a couple of years in jail might be worth it just to hurt this person. sometimes i just have this urge to hurt people emotionally. not that i find satisfaction in it but i just think that person needs to be hurt. or that person is just pissing me off. the thing is, if you hurt someone, most likely, someone will come to defend that person and the one who inflicted the harm most likely too ends up with no one to take his or her side. thats whats frustrating about it. thats where patience comes in, to deal with the frustration. and im really getting sick and tired of patience.

Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*

well, im finally hit. not the way i provoked it nor the way i expected it, but nonetheless im hit. been asking it for months, maybe even years. trying to make them hit me. hit the emotional part of me. hurt me. i felt i needed it. i needed a bad review. a criticism. an insult. a nasty gossip. a half-truth blown out of proportion. even a crazy yet credible lie. wasnt able to get any of it. but i did get the same effect as if the things i was trying to get out of people materialized. i got a form of ostracism. some kind of invisibility. to have an unacknowledged presence and existence. to be taken out of the loop. to do a disappearing act no one notices. 

now that im hit, what next? it depends. it depends whether my demons can take advantage of the situation and allow myself to be engulfed by them. i doubt this will happen. my mind is too strong to snap. or, i allow myself to slowly rot within, gradually creating a new state of mind which would allow my demons to exert some degree of influence. discretion remains but it takes a form shaped by the pain of being hit. 

why did i want to be hit? to pacify the demons within. but unfortunately, i wasnt hit the way i wanted to be hit, the way i expected it. it skipped a step. and it matters because it changes the course of things when things dont go as expected. its similar to a miscalculation that could have unthinkable effects. and unfortunately again, this one doesnt have a plan B. thats the risk of tinkering with one's mind and having one's mind tinkered and staying sane all throughout. order and chaos in an abstract yet organized mix.

the demon named pride

when will i be able to swallow my pride? at the moment, its a bit unimaginable. i really cant. im willing to carry the burden, or accept whatever consequences so as not to swallow my pride. why? its just because i cant do it. i dont know why. i just cant. there's this one instance where i let go of something good just because i let pride prevail. its been more than a decade and i refuse to regret my actions. i could be in a much better situation if i just swallowed my pride. and ive been doing it again and again and its just like im digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. well, no one can save me after all. my life, from past to the present to my future, is mainly my never ending battle with my own demons. and pride is one of the strong ones. its so strong, it need not lurk within me. its got a good hold on me that im pretty much its puppet.

rage building sessions

nothing pisses me off more than a slow internet connection. oh wait, there is something. its slow and intermittent internet connections! im not blaming my internet provider because it might not be their fault. its just really pisses me off that if i could just do an "incredible hulk", im going to fucking destroy a city everytime i experience a fucked up internet connection. its going to be like "goodbye metro manila"

im a very sinful person

pride and sloth are two of my "favorite" of the seven deadly sins. well, its because its these two im most prone to do. im not saying im proud of it, but its kind of inherent in a sense i cant get rid of it easily. and ive indulged in it in the past. next in line would be gluttony, then wrath, then envy, then lust and lastly, greed. as for the five remaining deadly sins, i think gluttony, wrath and envy is sort of embedded within me too but they''re easier to control compared to pride and sloth. as for lust and greed, i have good control over it at the moment.

people keep saying im a very nice person. its because i exhibit self-restraint all the time. thats why im very reserved. i try to always control myself. because if i dont, well, im going to be in a lot of trouble. im not saying im going to raise hell everyday, maybe only when im really fed up but point is if i loosen up, the harder it becomes for me to control myself in a sense its like a once you pop, you cant stop phenomenon. and if that happens and i get used to it, i wont even try to control myself anymore. i wil never keep my mouth shut and say whats on my mind and its going to look like im attacking everyone around me. im going to do what i believe is worth doing regardless of the consequences because im going to think my judgment is always right.

anyway, even when im intoxicated, i still exhibit self-restraint. no one has seen me really loosen up.

walking contradiction

i secretly desire to be a bum. actually, ive done that a lot of times and of course, no one likes a bum. and since its pointless to go against social norms, ive realized that its not realistic to live like a bum for the rest of my life. unless ive got loads of money. and i dont think im going to exert a lot of effort to get loads of money just to bum around for the remainder of my life. thinkin of where i am now, society would say im doing fairly well. not bad, not that good either. i mean, im a student! im not earning anything at all. im still a very useless member of society...at the moment. and what im doing is a far cry from being a bum. if things continue the way they should be, i would be contributing a lot to society. im going to be a responsible asset to the social system. well, thats whats expected of me anyway. and of course, i hope i meet those expectations. but i still cant remove the thought of just wasting my life away doing useless stuff. its very childish i know but i guess thats my way of not growing up. and the moment ive abandoned trying to do what i want and actually accept that theres some things i have to do, its a way of giving my consent to act like an adult. which kinda sucks but as red foreman kind of said, to be an adult, you have to take a lot of shit you dont want and live with it. something to that effect.

greatest pleasure...

is to break your enemies, to drive them before you, to take all the things that have been theirs, to hear the weeping of those who cherished them, to press in your arms the most desirable of their women - Temujin

that is why killing your enemies is more of an act of kindness. death does not really hurt them. it saves them from the pain and misery.

change ur mind

i think one way of changing one's personality (or forcing a new one to emerge) is by depriving myself of sufficient sleep...for weeks. will i try to confirm it?