if i had a superpower...

i was a kid who collected comic books so i grew up reading about superheroes. i was fascinated by their superpowers of course. i thought every kid goes through this phase of wanting to have superpowers. not sure about korean kids. i saw somewhere that they dont have superheroes similar to the ones depicted in american and japanese comic books. i think their heroes are more realistic in nature like war heroes. if i remember correclty, or if the show i saw is accurate, south korea doesnt really have a superhero that has a superpower

anyway, i dont remember what superpower i wanted when i was in grade school. i collected a lot of comic books and my bias was the xmen. well, x-men blue team to be more specific. my favorite character was nightcrawler (and he was no longer part of xmen by the time i was collecting comic books) for marvel and batman for DC. i think batman is the only superhero i like in the DC universe. even if i had a lot of comic books, i dont recall playing pretend that i was a superhero with a superpower. i recall playing detective. hmm. its only now that i realized that. that cant be right. maybe i really just cant recall.

i remember liking fire a lot when i was in high school. so i naturally wanted to have the ability to create and control fire as a superpower. wait. now, i remember, i wanted super speed when i was in grade school. i didnt care about super strength. fuck that. everyone wanted to have super strength. i didnt like quicksilver and the flash but i wanted super speed as my superpower. going back to high school...i wanted to have pyrokinesis as my superpower. but i didnt like pyro. hmm. i liked the superpower but i didnt like the characters that possessed them in the comic books.

i stopped collecting comic books in high school because of...anyway, it was traumatic for me... things just changed after that. i started seeing things differently. crap. i guess this post is going to my other blog. i mean, after that...i dont even know what to call it...hatred just consumed me. i trusted no one. i lost my cheerful self and judged people with their actions. thinking about it now just makes me think im correct to have changed myself. mankind is a hopeless cause.

i originally intended to post about what superpower i want now but after remembering something...my brain is back to its twisted self that i find it difficult to write something nice and sane.

if only i can go back in time and punch my 2004 self

for some strange reason, i think a part of me knew how things will be. until now, there's a voice at the back of my head giving me hints on what to expect. thats why ive trained myself for years to prepare for a future a part of me knows. this part of me already showed me a path for me to take. but i had to change my course in 2004. i can distinctly remember that during my senior year in college, i had no regrets until that point in time. i could die, i could just drop dead and not worry about anything because i was satisfied with the way i lived. as misinterpreted by some, its not really happy life but its filled with contentment nonetheless. and ever since 2004, it was just a series of wrong turns, wrong decisions, and what used to be a peaceful existence became a life filled with regret. i really should just listen to myself

am i meant to embrace "the cold darkness"?

the thing is...i feel stronger when i do. having a heart isnt my thing. it really makes me wonder how other people can draw strength from their hearts. they become unstoppable. their will, their determination illuminates beautifully, radiating a warm and infectious glow, melting down obstacles as they go along. i cant do that with my heart. i noticed that ever since i started having feelings, thats the same moment i started living in fear. im not strong enough to feel pain. i feel im rotting from the inside.

back when i was cold and emotionless, i had no worries. i feared nothing because i felt nothing. my mind functioned effectively and efficiently. i absorbed knowledge like my skin can absorb it from the surrounding air. my level of comprehension of things around me was incredible. i really felt like i was one with whatever im supposed to be one with. i was at peace. i was unstoppable in a way. my determination was stronger when im not bothered by feelings. looking back, i think its whats right for me. its time to embrace solitude once again.

is it really equivalent exchange?

so what did i give up for a good enough future? i offered my happiness, my health and my safety. initially, i only offered my happiness but i thought it wont be enough. i can eventually manage living without her so it can be argued giving up my happiness is not much of a sacrifice. that's why i also offered my health and my safety in case my happiness isnt sufficient as payment. now it seems all my three offers were accepted in exchange for a future that only a solitary person like me would dare ask. some would say its stupid to enter into such an agreement. yup. i would agree. but im not really in a position to bargain. at least its something good enough.

it will never happen

if only people knew the things i put up with, the things ive gone through, the fucked up things ive done. i hate it when i hear what people think of me because most of the time, its far from from the reality i know. what do they know? they always think things are ok with me. things are going well for me. some even think they know me.  everyone has problems, everyone has baggage and no one has figured out what the fuck im afraid of and what im running away from. does it not strike them odd why i hate people so much? why i hate relationships? why i always appear to give excuses just to hide the fucked up things i put up with? i whine because im tired. i avoid people because im tired. im tired. im tired with everything and with everyone.

right now, my past seems to be finally catching up with me. im getting tired of running away from it. im tired. im tired. im tired.