im a bridge?

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn... I'm the one you burn.- Louis Salinger

life is beautiful

life is truly beautiful despite its imperfections and flaws.

unfortunately, im greedy. im never satisfied. i want more than what this life can offer. knowing that life can never be perfect, im in a constant state of frustration and disappointment. life is beautiful but that doesnt mean i can be happy and enjoy it when it can never give me what i want. its beauty is not enough to please me. thats why i tried to restrain my desire, my wants. because i know my expectations and standards are high. and ive been successful in forcing myself to be contented with what life has given me. but lately, my wants are running loose within me. certain matters happened this year that made me lessen my restraints on my wants. and now im more frustrated than ever. although life remains beautiful, all i can see is its ugly nature. that it has to be imperfect to make it fulfill its purpose.

Death

the good thing about death is its promise of eternal peace. for the atheist at least. for the non-atheist, death brings the possibility of eternal damnation.

unfortunately im not an atheist. and ive been waiting for death for more than a decade.

coffee, cigarettes and sisig...

are my current constant companions. ang sugar, spice and everything nice are the perfect ingredients for a short and miserable life

the age of...

is it time for the age of fred? crap. locking and unlocking personalities isnt a fun thing to do. one personality was unintentionally locked away. well, because he became irrelevant.

now fred is the best personality for the job but the problem is...there's no go signal yet. and the go signal may never come. but unleash fred anyway? 

the chain of hatred has been broken, rendering another personality almost insignificant. another one to be locked away. 

things wont be the same again. there is no turning back. there is no going back to the old self. fred will eventually have to take over. crap. the drop dead fred treason and plot did happen. 

the fifteenth

lately, ive been hating the 15th of the month. now im thinking about april 15. do i know someone born under this date? i dont think so. but somehow i feel that april 15 is somewhat significant. did anything happen in the past that fell on the 15th of april? i dont know. if i dont remember then it must be not significant enough. whats with the 15th of april? well, if i cant find anything significant about it but i still think theres something important about the date, it only means one thing...i should do something to make it significant. makes sense.  now i would have a reason to say that april 15 is important. im just tired of being nice. ive gone too soft. i think its time to bring back chaos and hatred. 

missing my old self

where the hell is my old self!!!! i miss my coldhearted, twisted self who finds pleasure in choking people's necks just to see them in pain. who likes to play mind games and manipulate people's perceptions. who likes to conjure sick plans just to upset the established order. ive gone too soft, too nice that it sickens me. i hate myself right now. ive been hating myself for 2 months now. i hate it when im not rational. i hate it when i dont think properly. i hate it when im truly nice. im really, really stupid right now. 

the living dead

i went to see the eraserhead's final set concert last night. it was good. it was memorable. i had a great time. but i didnt really feel much compared to the first installment of the reunion concert. not sure if it really was the concert itself but im starting to think that my love for other things, like the eraserheads and their music, has started to dwindle considerably. well, my sibling's didnt love it as much as the first, so i guess maybe it was the concert. maybe im just worrying that the reason why i dont have that much love for other things is because i died the moment i started to live. and my question to myself is, would i rather be dead or would i endure living a life im not used to? 

skepticism

is what i consider to be my greatest strength and weakness. there's always room for doubt. 

im dying!!!

i wish!!! im just losing weight. i dont think im dying nor is it any indication im sick, or contracted a very serious disease like one of em acronym illnesses. 

im getting extremely booooooooored. i want to mess with someone's head but i dont have anymore targets. damn it! 

unleash the sadge? i'll think about it...right now, its fred's turn. 

all i know right now is that im really, really, boooooored. 

im death on two legs

You suck my blood like a leech
You break the law and you preach
Screw my brain till it hurts
You've taken all my money
And you want more
Misguided old mule with your pig headed rules
With your narrow minded cronies
Who are fools of the first division
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart of your own
Kill joy bad guy big talking small fry
You're just an old barrow boy
Have you found a new toy to replace me?
Can you face me?
But now you can kiss my ass goodbye
Feel good are you satisfied?
Do you feel like suicide?
(i think you should)
Is your conscience all right
Does it plague you at night?
Do you feel good feel good?

You talk like a big business tycoon
You're just a hot air balloon
So no one gives you a damn
You're just an overgrown schoolboy
Let me tan your hide
A dog with disease
You're the king of the 'sleaze'
Put your money where your mouth is
Mister know-all
Was the fin on your back
Part of the deal? (shark)
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart (you never did) of your own
(right from the start)
Insane you should be put inside
You're a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride
Should be made unemployed
Then make yourself null and void
Make me feel good i feel good

its time to transform

into a different person simply because its a new year. im thinking of becoming a megatron searching for his starscream.

"you fail me yet again starscream"

i am...

the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. im the guy you go to if you want to make something happen. haha. 

i was born intelligent...

but philosophy changed me.

i used to be a kid with a bright future. optimistic, cheerful, full of hope. now, im just some silent type, focused on world domination. haha. 

Casino Royale

You see women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits. - Vesper Lynd

if men were to be categorized between the former and the latter, i would fall in the former. its sounds bad but it can go either way. women can see men as disposable pleasures too. thats my best justification for belonging in the former category.

heart of darkness

vengeful heart. these were the two words that were echoing inside my head two fridays ago while i was riding a jeepney. 

two fridays ago, i received what ive always wanted to happen. it was sad and depressing to finally get what ive been asking for. because what ive been asking for is something which is somewhat painful. something most people would dread. but i asked for it for the sake of gaining experience (and probably give me the motivation i need). 

two fridays ago, as i walked in the UP oval, i said to myself, better to get it now than get it when im old and absolutely alone. its easier to experience and feel it now when im strong enough to handle it. its better to experience and feel it now while its early because chances are it will happen again. at least i know what to expect. i know how hurtful it will be.

two fridays ago, i realized im regressing toward my old self and im not going to stop it. im tired of trying to maintain the "progress" ive made. i think im better off reviving my highschool plan (and i already did...partially. so im back on track with regard to my original plan). the only thing im not going to change when i revert to my old self is my faith. i made the mistake of giving God the finger and smashing the head of the Sacred Heart of Jesus statuette against the altar's wall just because i dont like the way He was running my life. i made a promise i wont lose my faith again and its a promise i intend to keep. with the kind of plan i have, i just hope my faith will help me endure. 

no sexy time until next semester

damn it! i was looking forward to a nice way to end the semester. well, i have a cold and like smoking, its not advisable to have sex when one has a cold. especially when one does not have a girlfriend. it would really look lame and pathetic to try to get laid while having a cold, with either a clogged nose or a runny nose. and the coughing fits. and i think my cold wont be away for another week. by then its already the next semester. damn it. 

you dont have to say it, i know by your inaction

how come i dont hang out with friends anymore? simple, i dont have any invitation. although i do crash from time to time but that was before. i dont think i should continue doing that. i know now when to leave and say goodbye than overstay my welcome. the fact that theres no invitation just shows that ive overstayed my welcome. actions do speak louder than words.

can someone pick me up? please

irrationally picky, easily distracted, utterly anhedonic - Marshall Eriksen talking to Ted Mosby in "How I Met Your Mother"

irrationally picky. how did i solve this? simple, remove the picky part and remain irrational. and when i say irrational i mean commit to something no sane person would commit to.

easily distracted. im currently solving this by shutting everyone out. that way i can keep my focus. and live in my own isolated world and still remain irrational. and become insanely serious.

utterly unhedonic. can be solved by lowering my standards of enjoying something? maybe someday. even if im bored 99% of the time, i rarely notice the boredom now. its become a state of mind. life doesnt surprise me anymore.

its nice to watch sitcoms. ive used it before as a way to describe a human lifetime. applying it to me, im retired. im not part of any sitcom at the moment. im still fixing my resume. or waiting for someone to cast me and make me part of any sitcom that needs an arrogant and pyschotic hard to please asshole

feign ignorance

you can get away with things when you act stupid. sure, some might take advantage of you when they think you dont know but since youre faking it, you know better and try to make use of the appearance of ignorance to your advantage.

some people arent really good with explaining things or too lazy to teach so they try to get rid of the ignorant person as soon as possible and they do that by not making an issue of things and just let the person go his or her way as if what just happened didnt happen or isnt much of a problem. in short, they just let it pass instead of getting pissed in the end because its hard to argue with ignorant people after all. they dont get it. and for those feigning ignorance, they will never get it for the simple reason that they refuse to get it.

acting stupid is...well, stupid. but if youre lazy, being stupid really makes things simpler. because people see you as a simpleton. so they wont try to make it complicated for you. and if you get in a complicated situation, thinking of the level of competence you have (or what they think you have), they wont be pissed as much since they have lowered expectations. everyone would be easier to please too. all you have to do is exceed the expectations a little bit. example, if everyone can do 50 pushups, consistently project yourself to be capable of 45 and struggling to do make 48. to impress them, just do 53 pushups when in fact you can do much more. the good thing about this is, people would underestimate you and dont expect much from you. you can take things easy and there wont be much pressure because as far as other people are concerned, you dont amount that much. and you wont be embarassed when you dont know something because people dont expect you to know it in the first place. the bad thing about feigning ignorace is that it doesnt promote personal growth because you arent challenged and you limit your room for improvement. and if you feign ignorance long enough, there's a big possibilty that you may actually become that stupid person you are playing because you dont have the motivation to be more than what you actually are. and if people learn that youre pretending to be stupid, they will see you as a big fat liar and very pretentious asshole and you will lose your credibility (because thats what feigning ignorance is all about, lying). if this happens, even if you dont know something, they wont believe you that you dont know. so, youve created a heavier burden if you get caught. so you should only do this to people you arent close to, like acquaintances or strangers. so what if you appear stupid to them? of course it matters to some, but if you think about it, so what? at least create lowered expectations with regard to these people you dont know very well.

another thing, even you are feigning ignorance, you also have to show that you are trying to learn, only that, the learning process is slower. so you also have to be mindful of what to learn or pretending what to learn. so its just like lying. actually it is lying. know your lies and be consistent about it. be consistent of what you are ignorant of and what you ought to have learned. constantly saying "i dont know" on the same question isnt believable. sooner or later you are bound to know the answer. so remember how many times you can say "i dont know" to a particular question.

point is, feigning ignorance is sort of a lazy man's strategy (like lying in bed and letting the other one do all the work). it makes things simple because people wont complicate things for you and they wont expect much from you. sure, its not a good reputation, to be seen as that stupid guy but when you know its not true, will the reputation matter if youre really some lazy-ass SOB? not really. its easier to impress people too. but because its a lazy man's strategy, you also reap the consequences of laziness like substantially diminished self-development. and since feigning ignorance is false representation, you also reap the consequences of misleading people like losing credibility. so is it worth it to feign ignorance? well, in a complicated world, feigning ignorace to have a simple life is a way to decrease the stressful world order. but since its not really a good thing to do, one has to be prepared to confront the consequences. this is for the lazy person. because feigning ignoraice is also the strategy of people who are hiding something, like evil secrets or something like that.