fucked up. thats what you are.

this is turning into the blog of a rageaholic. actually, this blog started as that kind of blog.

anyway im sleepy and pissed. im pissed with some people's lack of understanding or perception that they are fucking different. what's pisses me off more is that they cant fucking accept it. why? because they fear rejection. so they strive to claim they're normal when they cant substantiate their claims. thats bullshit driven life! that's the reason why they are being rejected in the first place! they refuse to fucking accept things and insist on making a fool of themselves. they are even fucking sensitive of the most non-sensical stuff. hey, get a fucking life! because the way you are right now is annoying and youre just becoming a social liability. social liability because you aint got no significance in this goddamn world with that kind of twisted state of mind. the set of beliefs you have are yours and your alone. i have no problem with that as long as you dont fucking insist that its the belief everyone else should have! who the fuck do you think you are? im only going to listen to you if you are backed-up with facts or really attuned to the social pulse. heck, you dont even have a clue of how the society thinks dont you? what more on how society works! it obvious with the way you think and the way you act. you wont stand a chance in the real world boy! the fact that you think you're ready to face the world even with no experience or first hand knowledge, actually, not even the faintest knowledge of what reality is outside your goddamn home makes you a helpless, childish, insignificant boy! its not the age that makes a man. if you cant beat yourself and get out of the delusional state of mind you're in, then dont come complaining to me. ive had my share of demons in my head, and im still constantly having battles with them. but you dont see me pretending to be normal. i acknowledge it. i face it. i try to overcome my fears and not hide in some self-induced dreamworld or world of pretend then insist that other people should follow suit.

again

did i just say i hate it here? to reiterate, i fuckin hate it here. and bayantel, fuck you! what the fuck is wrong with your internet service! nice customer service is not equal to good internet service

hate!

i just hate it here!

offends the senses...well, offensive to the ears

like i said, one reason i keep my mouth shut is because i have nothing good to say because i really have a very arrogant mind. another reason i keep my mouth shut is because, this is related to what ive said, the things i say offends people, like my uber green mindedness. it would appear that the only thing i always think about it sex or something most would consider as sexual harassment. its not like i could say a compliment to a girl with a nice shirt by saying, "hey, nice shirt, i like the way it hugs your tits". i mean, it does look nice and it also makes her tits look good too. but people would find that offensive, especially when said out loud. its not like im telling her that her tits are perfect for some nice breast fucking. its just a statement of fact that with the shirt she's wearing, the only thing a guy can see or focus on is her wonderful, nicely shaped breasts! that made the shirt nice. at least she knows what some guys think. wait, thats not green mindedness, thats just an offensive comment that could send me to jail! what the crap am i talking about.

anyway, maybe the next time someone asks me why im so quiet, i would reply "fuck! cunt! slut! cocksucking motherfucker who screws any horny son of a bitch and licks the pussies of drunk whores!" and if they get offended, i would add "thats why im quiet, my concept of freedom of speech is not the same as what you people are willing to hear. my concept is the one civilized people want to regulate. the moment i say what i think, they say that's where the limits of the freedom of speech begins." i agree with them but unfortunately, i do have a very dirty mind so i better control my filthy mouth. ooh, filthy.

arrogant? yeah right

ive been told a couple of times that im an arrogant jerk. Ha! they havent seen me in my full blown arrogant mode. if they already think im arrogant, well, they wont be able to take what i am when i dont try to control myself. i mean, im always exerting some self-control and they dont even sense that? and the reason im arrogant or very arrogant towards some people is that because, maybe, just maybe, they are worth treating like trash! now, thats arrogant, right? not yet. what made them trash is because they dont recognize greatness. that greatness is right in front of them! they are stubborn, ignorant and clueless idiots who think they should be treated like i am their equal or that we are equals. ha! i may have stopped seeing myself as a superior being but i havent abandoned the fact that there are inferior people that walk this God forsaken planet. and if these inferior people dont know how to improve themselves and evolve, then they should be treated like trash. because that is what they fuckin are. and i dont like to be bothered by these useless creatures who assumed a human like form.

now, that's just annoyingly arrogant right? see, if they think ive shown them arrogance, then well, they will just have to either keep up with it or stop talking to me. im doing the best i can not to crush people by saying what i really think. that is one reason i keep my mouth shut, because i dont have anything good to say.

need sleep

its been what? two weeks? two weeks of sleeping around 2am or 3am. need to sleep more! its making me sicker in the head, fucking up my already fucked up sense of existence!

jessica alba is just sizzling hot

jessica alba is so hot! i dont understand what makes her hot but does it matter? well, i was thinking a few days ago that if someone looked like jessica alba, it just not the same. even if she looks prettier, its not jessica alba. there's just something about her...or what she has become. i mean, i first saw her (or noticed her) in Idle Hands (because i didnt know she was in the movie Never Been Kissed), and she wasnt that hot. she was hot but not as sizzling hot as today. she's so hot, if she had children today (cant say if she will be hot forever) i wont be surprised if her own son falls in love with her or her own daughter becomes a lesbian. i know its disturbing and jessica alba would probably be scared to have children if that is likely to happen but im just saying there's something different with jessica alba's hotness. i would have posted a pic of her but there's just so many nice pics of her, i find it hard not to post a lot of them.

do i look like a girl?

ok, im bored and its 3am...

definition of terms

i slept around 4am and woke up around 1030am. anyway, here's a few nice words.

drive-by shooting: the act of taking a picture while driving a car, especially while driving at high speeds.

gut-instinct: the habit of tucking one's stomach to hide it. people who do this usually have large bellies or a slight beer belly

flash of beige

its past midnight on a tuesday morning...very early morning. was complaining a while ago im sober again (its a monday night and im sober! fuck, i miss the good ol days when i can drink to my heart's content...well, until im too drunk to keep myself awake).

anyway, something flashed in my head a few seconds ago. a nice piece of ass wearing this sexy beige panties. weird part is, when it flashed in my head, i had this feeling of familiarity with that ass with the beige panties on. it is as if, ive seen it before up close, real close. how close? about a foot away from my face. but i cant remember seeing that hot panty covered ass before. why the feeling of familiarity as if it happened before? maybe i need to go to sleep.

problem is...

Seems like ive got lots of problems to think about at the moment. im doing the waiting game again.

anyway, another problem is, i want to be a leader but i prevent myself from assuming any such position. so, no matter how much i would like to lead, i just have to force myself to be just a member of group. why? its easier to be just a member (meaning, the lazy ass part of me wins). but i would like to lead because i like to get things done in an efficient and effective manner. i want to create and run a well-oiled machinery!

the reason i give in to the part of myself who just want to be a member is because if i become a leader, i want absolute loyalty and compliance. i dont want to be questioned and i dont tolerate dissenters (with the exception of asking for their dissent, besides, i always give options...but giving options is an illusion).

so, im really more of a totalitarian. i demand the trust of those who want me to lead them, and not doubt my judgment. but of course, when i lead, i make sure i know what people want from me, what they expect me to do, my powers and its limits. also, i must know my members' capabilities and limits and potential. that ive been entrusted to run the group and do the tasks as efficiently and effectively as possible. that's how i like to do things. but, people dont like a dictator right? besides, sometimes i cant expect the group to run at the same pace as i am, so ill just end up disappointed (so im a bit of a slave-driver sometimes). so better just stay in the backseat and allow someone else to run the show. people want democracy, people want freedom. i want them too, but i think a little bit of dictatorship is good sometimes. because there are some who are just plain undisciplined and those who deserve no mercy.

problem is...

another fucking problem of mine is that i dont have the word "blame" in my vocabulary. so no matter how much blameworthy a person is, i dont blame anyone and will not blame anyone. fucking frustrating aint it? so ill just have to find a way to rationalize the situation. blaming someone would make things easier but, it wont solve the problem now would it?

problem is....

you know what my problem is? i think im looking for someone more reliable than me. just a theory. a theory to explain why i dont easily fall for a girl. im not saying girls arent reliable, its just that, the ones i like dont seem to be more reliable than me. why do they have to be more reliable? so i would be impressed of course! call me an arrogant jerk or an asshole because i am.

i think its been a decade now

been a decade? decade of what? decade of saying: "God, im sorry but i hate it here! when can i leave? im tired of this life and this place, this planet. im tired of everything."

but i know God knows, that deep in my heart, there's something small, a small part of me deep within, saying, "maybe things wont be that bad tomorrow". that small part is like a trace amount of optimism in a pessimistic person. its a needle in a haystack thing, obviously, the needle is optimism and the haystack is pessimism. but its not about finding optimism within pessimism but knowing its there. it may not be seen but it can be felt. it can prick anyone if someone accidentally comes across it. and the fact its there makes a whole lot of difference.

so what's the point of this entry? even if i've been chanting this...this...whatever you call what i said on the first paragraph, as long as there's a part of me that's hoping, i remain human and must stay here. this where humans belong. ok, im just throwing underdeveloped ideas. sorry, its 3am in the morning.

what would be nice?

what would be nice right now, and i mean right at this moment, is a light rain. is there such a thing as light rain? what i mean is a drizzle. a fine, gentle, misty rain. just thinking of it is making me feel better already. the thought of a gentle cool air. relaxing. because right now, the summer heat is really making itself felt at 12am in the morning. in addition to the cool, misty midnight would be a nice, soft couch. yup, a nice comfy couch. and to make things perfect is a girl. a very pretty girl. me, sitting beside a very pretty girl on a comfy couch on a nice cool evening. maybe someone like jennifer garner. that would be nice. why her? i dont know, it just so happens im getting some jennifer garner wallpapers right now for my wallpaper collection. wait. thats not quite perfect. what would complete things is some good snack. a box of pizza and liter of coca-cola or pepsi cino. aah. that would really be relaxing isnt it. so there. what would be nice, right at this moment is spending a cool and relaxing rainy night with a pretty girl on a couch with some good food to eat. yup. that would really make my night. unfortunately, i cant control the weather, i dont have that comfy sofa, im not with a pretty girl, i cant order pizza and i ran out of cola. great huh?

just a thought

just a thought: wedding crashing psycho

i was watching The Guru (starring movie hottie Heather Graham) the other day and thought of The Wedding Crashers (because of the ending in The Guru) and it got me thinking. is it possible to be this guy who would show up at weddings and object on allowing the couple to get married? why you ask? well, just for the sake of objecting. i mean, when the priest starts to ask whether there's someone who objects or has a reason why the bride and groom should not be married, i would shout "i do!". then, i would make up a bogus reason or story and see if the bride would have second thoughts of getting married. of course, im a complete stranger so i guess i better sit at the back so i could run away from the angry mob. there surely would be an angry mob because i just ruined a precious moment of a person's life. harsh right? so i was thinking whether i could be this professional wedding crashing pyscho. so who would hire me? of course, those who wants revenge on one of the couples. am i that heartless? maybe.

oooh...strokes of affection

This is just insane...ive been singing this song for quite some time now. i dont know if this is gross, or sick or what. i guess this is what happens when you should be sleeping but you refuse to sleep.

Himas
Nothing more than Himas
Trying to forget my
Himas of love

Imagine
Making Himas your face
Trying to forget my
Himas of love

Himaaas!
For all my life i'll Himas
I wish I'd never himas you
You'll make me himas again

Himaas, oh oh himas
Himas you again in my arms.

Himas,
Himas Like I've never himas you
And himas like I've never
himas you again in my heart.

doesnt make sense, but it does have an amusing effect

waiter!

why is it im a waiter?

i looked up the word "wait" in a dictionary and here is what it has to say about the word "wait":

a. To remain or rest in expectation
b. To remain or be in readiness
c. To remain inactive in one place while expecting something.
d. time during which some action is awaited
e. stay in one place and anticipate or expect something
f. look forward to the probable occurrence of

ok, all of them means the same thing. point is, why do i always wait for things to happen? like im some disinterested or indifferent being not affected by what's happening in this world. i just sit there and let things happen and if nothing happens, so be it. and what made me think about this? i dont know, it just crossed my mind. well, not really. it just so happens that i have nothing to do at the moment. its 30 mins before midnight and i would like to watch a movie (and ive already seen 3 movies in less than a week!). of course, i cant watch a movie at this time of night. so, what can i do? i cant make anything happen in my favor, now can i? so i will just have to wait. wait a minute, that's not the kind of waiting im talking about! its really hard to talk to myself lately, i mean, there is only one mind but i dont even get what i am saying to myself. how messed up is that?

Inmates Running the Asylum

i dont know whether im losing my mind or losing control. in any case, im losing something. i think.

so, lets give it some thought. why would i say im losing my mind? i dont know, maybe because its getting harder and harder to think like a sane person? its like going mad is the only right thing to do! but isnt that just losing control of one's mind? i mean, if you become insane, you've lost your mind, and if you've lost your mind, you've just lost control of yourself. so, does that mean, im controlling my own mind? of course. so, i am like a slave to myself because i exercise mind control over myself? but i am the one who is exercising control over myself, then im also the master. so im a master and slave of myself? ok...i think im just trying to confuse myself.

ok, lets change it a bit. lets go inside the mind. and in the mind, there are a number of persons...or personalities. lets not count how many because its not very relevant, so lets just say more than a handful. ok, weve got these personalities inside the mind, all of them separate and distinct from one another. all of them have their own so-called "functions".

they started out like office workers in cubicles, compartmentalized and not aware of each other's existence. back then, all they did was wait for the big boss' orders. of course, there had to be a boss in the mind to exercise control over these personalities. after all, they are all inside one mind, and one body. so, these personalities just waited to be summoned and act on particular instances.

anyway, after some time, they eventually noticed there are other cubicles, so they thought, there are others in there. one of them probably got curious and peeked in the other cubicles. to cut the story short, all of them eventually learned of each other's existence and started interacting with each other. so the mind became a busy place, not only for work purposes but also for socializing purposes.

of course, like in an office, there are those who get along and those who dont. friendships are formed and also animosity. but unlike in an office, these personalities are together 24 hours a day. they are all in one mind. they cant go anywhere.

so tension and confusion starts to build up inside the mind. at the same time, the boss tries everything he can to stay in control. in control of what? in control of both the personalities and of the mind. so how does he do that? unlike in an office, it isnt that easy. a mind is a tricky and twisted place to be in when there are lots of personalities in it, especially personalities who have intentions of taking over the mind.

so far, the boss is still in control of the mind, but is starting to lose control over some of the personalities. its getting hard for him to pull all of them together and work as one unit. he's starting to lose track of some personalities. so, he must consider the possibility that there are personalities planning to do some sort of coup. if there is, the most the boss can hope for is that, its the good ones. but would the good ones even attempt to seize control over the mind?

so there lies the problem of the boss, there is a fear that he might lose control of the mind over some not so good personalities. what's not so good about them? i dont know, maybe because they are the personalities in charge with wicked, angry, sinful, violent and other negative thoughts that needs to be controlled. and i guess it wasnt a good idea to immerse some personalities in such form of duty. and over the years of not being summoned to at least release what they have been tasked to control and restrain, they are getting pissed, and starting to become heavily influenced by what they have been ordered to control. so, in the end, is this just a question of control over the mind?

turbulence

want another psycho shit? well, around lunchtime, a thought entered my head. there's something bothering me lately and cant determine what. anyway, this thought is like an attempt to try to give an explanation for what's up with me. and of course, its a thought that is just absurd, that is why its a psycho shit and it goes like this:

could it be possible that i have a psychic link with my future self? or even past self? and right now, a self in the past or future is experiencing some emotional turbulence of some sort and its affecting the present self? or maybe, i am about to reach a time in my life where something life changing could occur? something so significant that its like a defining moment that would change the course of my life? if that's true, then there can be no way i could figure out what my problem is because the problem does not exist in the present. that's why i cant see the problem.

ok, thank you very much voice-in-my-head-with-a-wild-imagination-giving-absurd-explanations. i would accept that explanation though, if it can be proven. and how could that be proven? i dont know, show me a time machine? or a flash disk with a recording of my future self trying to talk to me, saying that its true and it goes like this:

static....then an image of a guy appears and says:
"hello february 2007 self, this is me...or you...or us...anyway we are one and the same, i think you get that. the retardation you are undergoing isnt that bad yet for you not to recognize me. anyway, i am you in 5 years and yes you are still alive after five years, obviously. actually you will live a bit longer than we wanted. anyway, im fucked up right now, so fucked up, you can feel what im feeling. and the reason why it has to be you in what you call your present and not in some other time like when you were 18 or something, is because, you are the one that is responsible for this mess you placed me, or you, or us, in. you made this goddamn idiotic decision or allowed this incident to happen or did this act, choose one that applies, on that particular time, which, following the natural order of things for the next five years, would lead me or you or us here. can i speak in the third person? i think that would be easier. anyway, that's all. dammit, should have written my message. i hope you understood what i just said. anyway, this isnt one of those messages that self-destruct. you can play this message again in case things arent clear. oh by the way, just got a message from our future self last week, way much further in the future, and he asked me to tell you, well not really you but anyone in the earlier part of our life, to follow what reason tells you. the voice of reason may not feel good sometimes but hey, at least reason is the one who's thinking. actually, that message by our future self is the one that bothered me, which lead to this messed up situation i am in which i was able to trace to you. anyway, i would like to tell you more about what will happen to you in the next five years, but knowing you, because you're me, i know there are some things you wont like. or would prefer not to know at the moment. but since i cant help myself, a surprise is coming your way...soon. i dont think that statement would spoil it, now would it.
static appears again

now, if that message did happen, then, and only then, will i believe there is such a thing as a psychic link between the present self and the future self.