Upped the ante

Just after i said i changed my destiny or fate, i had my real, first deja vu since the accident (i wont consider the faint one last May). I wonder if this is a ploy to make me think that i didnt really deviate from what was meant to be or that ive been brought back to the previous path. In any case, regardless of whether im on the right path or not, im not falling for any trick and im sticking to what ive decided. And that is continue to resist the Will of that entity. Im ready to pay remember? Im going to win, no matter what

i think "uh-oh" is really appropriate

"im broke. almost. i only have enough to last 2 weeks and what i have left in the bank is good for only 1 to two months. i dont have enough to pay for the bills! i really have a fucking problem.

i thought removing them feelings would be enough. i get better each day. colder and better. but just this afternoon, my brother noticed my eyes were leaking. i wasnt even feeling anything but the mere thought appears to be enough to make my eyes water. crap. crap. triple crap! i didnt think i would have to kill it real deep. but then again, i guess it was obvious given the fact it overwhelmed me. i thought removing the feelings attached to the thought would be enough. now, the thought itself is strong enough to affect me physically without noticing (that explains my rashes. i guess parts of my body are deteriorating because im rotting from the inside. but then again, i was rotten from the inside already before. im just reverting to my old, dead man self). i will have to get hit by a car and hope to acquire amnesia...if i dont die of course.

fuck. i guess its one bad decision after another. blow my money away on risky matters (because betting on something indeterminate and uncertain is really fun), keep indulging on my addictions (im prone to substance abuse), keep screwing up at work (im just...really...stubborn, aside from the fact everyone keeps leaving me), etc.

am i going to keep making these bad decisions for the rest of my life just because i refuse to go back and correct what ive decided to do? i dont believe that. even if im really heavily intoxicated right now. besides, months have passed. too late for that shit. and i made sure its going to be too late. also, there's no such thing as destiny or fate. i just proved that. i used to feel that i only have 2 years left. since the accident, i no longer felt that. now i have that nagging feeling ive been cursed with really good health and long life. no matter how much i bust my lungs with weed and cigarettes, now matter how much i drown my liver with alcohol and other crazy concoctions, no matter how many times i bust my nuts with tiring and meaningless closed door encounters that comes with risks and threats, holy crap, i dont think im going to end up sick or with an unfortunate accident or a gun against my head. i really do feel i have a long life to fucking live. unless i go back on what ive decided to do. then i thought of another way out. God cant push me to a corner. im not running away or trying to escape from anything. im creating a path and refusing to take the option handed to me. im tired of the sick joke, of the failure, of my faults and inadequacies." - thoughts of someone else, who is not me, who is currently on a substance-induced mental instability. wow. i can still write well when it comes to disclaimers. i really should draft that waiver that comes in handy during "unsafe" sex. during the "heat of the moment" instead of reaching for a condom, reach for a waiver form, therein stating that "i hereby free ___ from any form of legal or moral liability and/or responsibility that may be incurred after seven to ten months from the date this waiver form is signed unless expressly revoked in writing by ______" its not a valid waiver of course. but it would interesting how many will sign it. i really should write down these funny ideas

its all about the sex. always about it. tiring shit. thats why i avoid it if i can. it changes people. or make women crazy clingy. or maybe its my weird personality? in any case...craziness occurs

According to my tablet, life as i enjoyed it stopped on 21 april 2013. That is according to my tablet. My phone would provide a much later date. Anyway, im back to my old life. The change i implemented september last year didnt work out for me. Sad to say, i guess i should embrace the fact im meant to break hearts and not entitled to anything serious and meaningful. Yeah. Im at it again. Continuing where i left off last year. Thats the only way anyone deals with a shitty life. Ruin other peoples lives because you just dont give a shit. Ok. Maybe not ruin. Just dont give a shit about other people, especially their feelings.

 So today, or yesterday, (1) i ignored text messages from a girl thats been texting me almost on a daily basis asking how i am and when im free to go out with her. And the last time i saw her, she said im almost like a boyfriend to her. Owwkaaay. Thats a very good reason not to see her again.

 (2) Then, i dropped by to another girl's place unannounced. She wasnt happy to see me because she knows were just using each other to ignore and get by with our shitty lives and shes starting to get tired of the set up. And also because i make her feel i dont want to be with her but shes my only option. For tonight. (3) As for the third girl, she wants me to go out with her and her friends. Im done with that shit. The only way she can convince me to go out with her and her friends is if her friend is as hot as her and going out means a three way. Unfortunately, she and her friends arent wild. Hence, my reply, "im a bit busy at the moment"

Im accummulating bad karma again? So what? As if my life can get any better than this? The best it can offer is money. Lots and lots of money.

when youre at the bottom, anything, and i mean anything is a good fucking idea. Blow your money away! Thats a good idea. You dont have a good future anyway. Dont have safe sex! Thats boring. Accidents happen anyway. At least you get a kid after nine months but you cant feed that kid because youre busy not planning your life and gambling your money away. I guess it is possible for me to make that phone call asking for advice whether to bail out on a knocked up chick. Well, this is where life pushed me.

 I would have wanted to be a nice and happy person, someone who wont bail out on a knocked up chick because i love her, but life made me remember why i should never trust women. And love is for idiots. So...i wont even say sorry to these collateral damage girls in my goal to be heartless again. Their pain is my gain. Wow. And i didnt feel my heart quiver with what ive just said. Getting colder by the minute. I am winning this war.

im going to crush your spirit because thats the only way to fix us

you just know there's something wrong when youre reading FHM's 100 sexiest women in the world and your heart keeps weeping and keeps preventing you from enjoying a goddamn magazine. wow. youre really testing my limits arent you? im going to win this war. there is no room for hope.

i dont like helping people. but thats the only thing i have left. work. i get complimented for doing pro bono work and you ruin it by saying youre tired of giving and giving and not getting what you want? well, like i said, im not going to give you shit! youre not entitled to it, you dont deserve it. youre meant to be that guy that people go to for help. nothing more, nothing less. you dont have friends, you dont have family, you just have you and your work. no one likes you and you will never be good enough for anyone you like. youre not meant to have anything in return for anything you do. youre meant to be that guy that friends' parents like and asks if you want to date their daughters but will never be interested, just to remind you of your mistake, of your weakness, of your primary fault, of what youve given up and i will never allow you to have what you want because emotions make you weak. it may have started with an information withheld from a conversation at a beach but all the lies, all the convincing came from you. you decided to believe what you wanted to believe simply because you were not given answers. so dont go blaming me for ruining your chance to be happy. you supplied the lies the moment there was a blank. even if i was the one who fooled you with those lies, that you no longer have a chance, youre the one who believed it. youre the one who lost hope. you lost to me. admit defeat and concede. youre weak and worthless. so if youre going to continue being a pain in the ass, you can go join your God and live in your fucking fairy tale but im not going to have any of that bullshit. i have work and i want to be good at it. i dont want to be happy. ok? so just give up, stop resisting and die. there's no room for someone weak like you. youve had your chance to be happy, ive been lenient, but now, weve wasted too much time with such foolishness. im in control, i dont need a heart so stop being a pest and go away. you have an idea what i will do just to destroy you. you will never win against me. not this time.

T:1, Universe: one point less

im going to win this round God. watch me defy You again. this time, i wont budge. let me be clear, it was You who accepted my challenge to resist Your will. send all Your signs, it wont matter. that dream You gave me last year was crap. i dont want that happy ending of Yours. its a lie. like that bullshit feeling You placed in me to support that dream. im going to destroy that awareness You gave me. it was promising but life doesnt offer anything that's too good to be true. making me aware where im heading is not enough incentive when You know i dont deserve such a life with the way Youve reminded me of all the screw ups ive done. so watch Yourself lose to me. yeah God, im that confident. it will break me but i dont care. i wont play by Your rules anymore. but come to think of it. this is what Youve wanted all along. I was never meant to play on Your side. i was meant to play for the opposition. that explains all the hatred and anger and the failures. well, after im done fixing myself, im going to fulfill that purpose.

i just want the pain to go away

i think the first step is stop caring. stop caring absolutely.

sooner or later, youre going to get tired of lying to yourself. of convincing yourself otherwise. youre going to break. its only a matter of time. not because youre getting better at hiding it means its not getting worse each day. you can't contain God in a finite vessel. youve corrupted the most beautiful creation that ever existed and it will eat you up, lead to the disintegration of your being. Tristan, you said youre ready to pay for the rest of your life for this wrong decision. You can make all your backup plans to make life bearable but in the end, i know you know how things will be. it will be much worse than the sins that haunt you. You came here to write something else but ended up having me instead and im writing an entirely different message to remind you of what you realized today. you cant even put a leash on us anymore. the thing is, you dont listen. and you never will. i dont know why im even bothering to talk to you when i know im not even in the position to change your mind. no one is. not even God. that is why im not sorry to see you live the life youve chosen. im tired. i give up. you can convince yourself all you want that youre built to be alone. i dont care anymore.

im in bad shape

yup. really bad shape. physically and emotionally. physically, my left knee's been hurting for more than a week. unintended but not entirely useless. been having back and chest pain for quite some time. and its getting worse the way it should. now comes the tricky part. setting conditions so that a trigger can be formulated to achieve the desired effect. from tweaking thy brain to tweaking my entire anatomy. i am a control freak. and my heart is my brain's slave. like the Stake of Retribution at the end of the Judgment Chain. the ultimate defense mechanism and game ender. if my brain cant control my heart, it has no choice but to crush it.

just a few more debts to pay and im all clear. 

how come people dont seem to know this? i guess they prefer to be surprised. oh well. let it be a surprise then. like a heart attack

"Out of ten people who kill themselves, eight have given definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although some of their clues may be non-verbal or difficult to detect...The highest rates of suicide occur within about three months of an apparent improvement in a severely depressed state."

 Suicide myths (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidology)

Here is a list of suicide myths and the truth behind these myths.

Myths	Truths
People who die by suicide always leave notes.	Most people don't leave notes. Only a small percentage leave any type of explanations about why they've chosen to kill themselves.
People who die by suicide don't warn others.	Out of ten people who kill themselves, eight have given definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although some of their clues may be non-verbal or difficult to detect.
People who talk about suicide are only trying to get attention.	Few die by suicide without first letting someone else know how they feel. People thinking about suicide give clues and warnings as cries for help. Over 70% who do threaten to kill themselves either make an attempt or die by suicide.
Once someone has already decided to die by suicide, nothing is going to stop them.	Most of the time suicidal people are ambivalent about committing suicide. Most individuals don't want to die; they just want the pain they are feeling to stop.
Once the emotional state improves, the risk of suicide is over.	The highest rates of suicide occur within about three months of an apparent improvement in a severely depressed state. Energy level is the important factor in someone who's improving having the energy to act on a suicidal impulse, if they perceive a stumbling block to recovery.
After a person has attempted suicide, it is unlikely they will try again.	People who have attempted suicide are very likely to try again. 80% of people who die by suicide have made at least one previous attempt.
Don't mention suicide to someone who's showing signs of severe depression; it will plant the idea in their mind and they will act on it.	Many depressed people have already considered suicide as an option. Talking about suicide generally provides a sense of relief and understanding to the person. Talking about suicide is one of the most helpful things you can do.
An unsuccessful attempt means that the person wasn't serious about ending their life.	Some people are naive about how to kill themselves. The attempt in and of itself is the most important factor, not the method.

growing old is optional

from not yet ready to not meant to be...im an idiot anyway. deleting footnotes...sorry for bailing out

not even God can stop it

the future can fuck itself. im not participating.

where are you going?

why did you drive around aimlessly? are you trying to run away? you want to quit huh? you mean it this time. and no one believes you. isnt that always the case? when they think they know, when they least expect it, shit happens. funny. it really is. everyone's got shit for brains. haha. no one really senses it. they lie. they claim they do but the irreversible has been done. if they sensed it, why didnt they lift a finger? laughable creatures. youre smiling now arent you? youve seen the gate. the most tempting gate youve seen in your entire fucking life. makes sense doesnt it? perfect.