According to my tablet, life as i enjoyed it stopped on 21 april 2013. That is according to my tablet. My phone would provide a much later date. Anyway, im back to my old life. The change i implemented september last year didnt work out for me. Sad to say, i guess i should embrace the fact im meant to break hearts and not entitled to anything serious and meaningful. Yeah. Im at it again. Continuing where i left off last year. Thats the only way anyone deals with a shitty life. Ruin other peoples lives because you just dont give a shit. Ok. Maybe not ruin. Just dont give a shit about other people, especially their feelings.
So today, or yesterday, (1) i ignored text messages from a girl thats been texting me almost on a daily basis asking how i am and when im free to go out with her. And the last time i saw her, she said im almost like a boyfriend to her. Owwkaaay. Thats a very good reason not to see her again.
(2) Then, i dropped by to another girl's place unannounced. She wasnt happy to see me because she knows were just using each other to ignore and get by with our shitty lives and shes starting to get tired of the set up. And also because i make her feel i dont want to be with her but shes my only option. For tonight. (3) As for the third girl, she wants me to go out with her and her friends. Im done with that shit. The only way she can convince me to go out with her and her friends is if her friend is as hot as her and going out means a three way. Unfortunately, she and her friends arent wild. Hence, my reply, "im a bit busy at the moment"
Im accummulating bad karma again? So what? As if my life can get any better than this? The best it can offer is money. Lots and lots of money.
when youre at the bottom, anything, and i mean anything is a good fucking idea. Blow your money away! Thats a good idea. You dont have a good future anyway. Dont have safe sex! Thats boring. Accidents happen anyway. At least you get a kid after nine months but you cant feed that kid because youre busy not planning your life and gambling your money away. I guess it is possible for me to make that phone call asking for advice whether to bail out on a knocked up chick. Well, this is where life pushed me.
I would have wanted to be a nice and happy person, someone who wont bail out on a knocked up chick because i love her, but life made me remember why i should never trust women. And love is for idiots. So...i wont even say sorry to these collateral damage girls in my goal to be heartless again. Their pain is my gain. Wow. And i didnt feel my heart quiver with what ive just said. Getting colder by the minute. I am winning this war.
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
im going to crush your spirit because thats the only way to fix us
you just know there's something wrong when youre reading FHM's 100 sexiest women in the world and your heart keeps weeping and keeps preventing you from enjoying a goddamn magazine. wow. youre really testing my limits arent you? im going to win this war. there is no room for hope.
i dont like helping people. but thats the only thing i have left. work. i get complimented for doing pro bono work and you ruin it by saying youre tired of giving and giving and not getting what you want? well, like i said, im not going to give you shit! youre not entitled to it, you dont deserve it. youre meant to be that guy that people go to for help. nothing more, nothing less. you dont have friends, you dont have family, you just have you and your work. no one likes you and you will never be good enough for anyone you like. youre not meant to have anything in return for anything you do. youre meant to be that guy that friends' parents like and asks if you want to date their daughters but will never be interested, just to remind you of your mistake, of your weakness, of your primary fault, of what youve given up and i will never allow you to have what you want because emotions make you weak. it may have started with an information withheld from a conversation at a beach but all the lies, all the convincing came from you. you decided to believe what you wanted to believe simply because you were not given answers. so dont go blaming me for ruining your chance to be happy. you supplied the lies the moment there was a blank. even if i was the one who fooled you with those lies, that you no longer have a chance, youre the one who believed it. youre the one who lost hope. you lost to me. admit defeat and concede. youre weak and worthless. so if youre going to continue being a pain in the ass, you can go join your God and live in your fucking fairy tale but im not going to have any of that bullshit. i have work and i want to be good at it. i dont want to be happy. ok? so just give up, stop resisting and die. there's no room for someone weak like you. youve had your chance to be happy, ive been lenient, but now, weve wasted too much time with such foolishness. im in control, i dont need a heart so stop being a pest and go away. you have an idea what i will do just to destroy you. you will never win against me. not this time.
i dont like helping people. but thats the only thing i have left. work. i get complimented for doing pro bono work and you ruin it by saying youre tired of giving and giving and not getting what you want? well, like i said, im not going to give you shit! youre not entitled to it, you dont deserve it. youre meant to be that guy that people go to for help. nothing more, nothing less. you dont have friends, you dont have family, you just have you and your work. no one likes you and you will never be good enough for anyone you like. youre not meant to have anything in return for anything you do. youre meant to be that guy that friends' parents like and asks if you want to date their daughters but will never be interested, just to remind you of your mistake, of your weakness, of your primary fault, of what youve given up and i will never allow you to have what you want because emotions make you weak. it may have started with an information withheld from a conversation at a beach but all the lies, all the convincing came from you. you decided to believe what you wanted to believe simply because you were not given answers. so dont go blaming me for ruining your chance to be happy. you supplied the lies the moment there was a blank. even if i was the one who fooled you with those lies, that you no longer have a chance, youre the one who believed it. youre the one who lost hope. you lost to me. admit defeat and concede. youre weak and worthless. so if youre going to continue being a pain in the ass, you can go join your God and live in your fucking fairy tale but im not going to have any of that bullshit. i have work and i want to be good at it. i dont want to be happy. ok? so just give up, stop resisting and die. there's no room for someone weak like you. youve had your chance to be happy, ive been lenient, but now, weve wasted too much time with such foolishness. im in control, i dont need a heart so stop being a pest and go away. you have an idea what i will do just to destroy you. you will never win against me. not this time.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
T:1, Universe: one point less
im going to win this round God. watch me defy You again. this time, i wont budge. let me be clear, it was You who accepted my challenge to resist Your will. send all Your signs, it wont matter. that dream You gave me last year was crap. i dont want that happy ending of Yours. its a lie. like that bullshit feeling You placed in me to support that dream. im going to destroy that awareness You gave me. it was promising but life doesnt offer anything that's too good to be true. making me aware where im heading is not enough incentive when You know i dont deserve such a life with the way Youve reminded me of all the screw ups ive done. so watch Yourself lose to me. yeah God, im that confident. it will break me but i dont care. i wont play by Your rules anymore. but come to think of it. this is what Youve wanted all along. I was never meant to play on Your side. i was meant to play for the opposition. that explains all the hatred and anger and the failures. well, after im done fixing myself, im going to fulfill that purpose.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
i just want the pain to go away
i think the first step is stop caring. stop caring absolutely.
sooner or later, youre going to get tired of lying to yourself. of convincing yourself otherwise. youre going to break. its only a matter of time. not because youre getting better at hiding it means its not getting worse each day. you can't contain God in a finite vessel. youve corrupted the most beautiful creation that ever existed and it will eat you up, lead to the disintegration of your being. Tristan, you said youre ready to pay for the rest of your life for this wrong decision. You can make all your backup plans to make life bearable but in the end, i know you know how things will be. it will be much worse than the sins that haunt you. You came here to write something else but ended up having me instead and im writing an entirely different message to remind you of what you realized today. you cant even put a leash on us anymore. the thing is, you dont listen. and you never will. i dont know why im even bothering to talk to you when i know im not even in the position to change your mind. no one is. not even God. that is why im not sorry to see you live the life youve chosen. im tired. i give up. you can convince yourself all you want that youre built to be alone. i dont care anymore.
sooner or later, youre going to get tired of lying to yourself. of convincing yourself otherwise. youre going to break. its only a matter of time. not because youre getting better at hiding it means its not getting worse each day. you can't contain God in a finite vessel. youve corrupted the most beautiful creation that ever existed and it will eat you up, lead to the disintegration of your being. Tristan, you said youre ready to pay for the rest of your life for this wrong decision. You can make all your backup plans to make life bearable but in the end, i know you know how things will be. it will be much worse than the sins that haunt you. You came here to write something else but ended up having me instead and im writing an entirely different message to remind you of what you realized today. you cant even put a leash on us anymore. the thing is, you dont listen. and you never will. i dont know why im even bothering to talk to you when i know im not even in the position to change your mind. no one is. not even God. that is why im not sorry to see you live the life youve chosen. im tired. i give up. you can convince yourself all you want that youre built to be alone. i dont care anymore.
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