oooh...strokes of affection

This is just insane...ive been singing this song for quite some time now. i dont know if this is gross, or sick or what. i guess this is what happens when you should be sleeping but you refuse to sleep.

Himas
Nothing more than Himas
Trying to forget my
Himas of love

Imagine
Making Himas your face
Trying to forget my
Himas of love

Himaaas!
For all my life i'll Himas
I wish I'd never himas you
You'll make me himas again

Himaas, oh oh himas
Himas you again in my arms.

Himas,
Himas Like I've never himas you
And himas like I've never
himas you again in my heart.

doesnt make sense, but it does have an amusing effect

waiter!

why is it im a waiter?

i looked up the word "wait" in a dictionary and here is what it has to say about the word "wait":

a. To remain or rest in expectation
b. To remain or be in readiness
c. To remain inactive in one place while expecting something.
d. time during which some action is awaited
e. stay in one place and anticipate or expect something
f. look forward to the probable occurrence of

ok, all of them means the same thing. point is, why do i always wait for things to happen? like im some disinterested or indifferent being not affected by what's happening in this world. i just sit there and let things happen and if nothing happens, so be it. and what made me think about this? i dont know, it just crossed my mind. well, not really. it just so happens that i have nothing to do at the moment. its 30 mins before midnight and i would like to watch a movie (and ive already seen 3 movies in less than a week!). of course, i cant watch a movie at this time of night. so, what can i do? i cant make anything happen in my favor, now can i? so i will just have to wait. wait a minute, that's not the kind of waiting im talking about! its really hard to talk to myself lately, i mean, there is only one mind but i dont even get what i am saying to myself. how messed up is that?

Inmates Running the Asylum

i dont know whether im losing my mind or losing control. in any case, im losing something. i think.

so, lets give it some thought. why would i say im losing my mind? i dont know, maybe because its getting harder and harder to think like a sane person? its like going mad is the only right thing to do! but isnt that just losing control of one's mind? i mean, if you become insane, you've lost your mind, and if you've lost your mind, you've just lost control of yourself. so, does that mean, im controlling my own mind? of course. so, i am like a slave to myself because i exercise mind control over myself? but i am the one who is exercising control over myself, then im also the master. so im a master and slave of myself? ok...i think im just trying to confuse myself.

ok, lets change it a bit. lets go inside the mind. and in the mind, there are a number of persons...or personalities. lets not count how many because its not very relevant, so lets just say more than a handful. ok, weve got these personalities inside the mind, all of them separate and distinct from one another. all of them have their own so-called "functions".

they started out like office workers in cubicles, compartmentalized and not aware of each other's existence. back then, all they did was wait for the big boss' orders. of course, there had to be a boss in the mind to exercise control over these personalities. after all, they are all inside one mind, and one body. so, these personalities just waited to be summoned and act on particular instances.

anyway, after some time, they eventually noticed there are other cubicles, so they thought, there are others in there. one of them probably got curious and peeked in the other cubicles. to cut the story short, all of them eventually learned of each other's existence and started interacting with each other. so the mind became a busy place, not only for work purposes but also for socializing purposes.

of course, like in an office, there are those who get along and those who dont. friendships are formed and also animosity. but unlike in an office, these personalities are together 24 hours a day. they are all in one mind. they cant go anywhere.

so tension and confusion starts to build up inside the mind. at the same time, the boss tries everything he can to stay in control. in control of what? in control of both the personalities and of the mind. so how does he do that? unlike in an office, it isnt that easy. a mind is a tricky and twisted place to be in when there are lots of personalities in it, especially personalities who have intentions of taking over the mind.

so far, the boss is still in control of the mind, but is starting to lose control over some of the personalities. its getting hard for him to pull all of them together and work as one unit. he's starting to lose track of some personalities. so, he must consider the possibility that there are personalities planning to do some sort of coup. if there is, the most the boss can hope for is that, its the good ones. but would the good ones even attempt to seize control over the mind?

so there lies the problem of the boss, there is a fear that he might lose control of the mind over some not so good personalities. what's not so good about them? i dont know, maybe because they are the personalities in charge with wicked, angry, sinful, violent and other negative thoughts that needs to be controlled. and i guess it wasnt a good idea to immerse some personalities in such form of duty. and over the years of not being summoned to at least release what they have been tasked to control and restrain, they are getting pissed, and starting to become heavily influenced by what they have been ordered to control. so, in the end, is this just a question of control over the mind?

turbulence

want another psycho shit? well, around lunchtime, a thought entered my head. there's something bothering me lately and cant determine what. anyway, this thought is like an attempt to try to give an explanation for what's up with me. and of course, its a thought that is just absurd, that is why its a psycho shit and it goes like this:

could it be possible that i have a psychic link with my future self? or even past self? and right now, a self in the past or future is experiencing some emotional turbulence of some sort and its affecting the present self? or maybe, i am about to reach a time in my life where something life changing could occur? something so significant that its like a defining moment that would change the course of my life? if that's true, then there can be no way i could figure out what my problem is because the problem does not exist in the present. that's why i cant see the problem.

ok, thank you very much voice-in-my-head-with-a-wild-imagination-giving-absurd-explanations. i would accept that explanation though, if it can be proven. and how could that be proven? i dont know, show me a time machine? or a flash disk with a recording of my future self trying to talk to me, saying that its true and it goes like this:

static....then an image of a guy appears and says:
"hello february 2007 self, this is me...or you...or us...anyway we are one and the same, i think you get that. the retardation you are undergoing isnt that bad yet for you not to recognize me. anyway, i am you in 5 years and yes you are still alive after five years, obviously. actually you will live a bit longer than we wanted. anyway, im fucked up right now, so fucked up, you can feel what im feeling. and the reason why it has to be you in what you call your present and not in some other time like when you were 18 or something, is because, you are the one that is responsible for this mess you placed me, or you, or us, in. you made this goddamn idiotic decision or allowed this incident to happen or did this act, choose one that applies, on that particular time, which, following the natural order of things for the next five years, would lead me or you or us here. can i speak in the third person? i think that would be easier. anyway, that's all. dammit, should have written my message. i hope you understood what i just said. anyway, this isnt one of those messages that self-destruct. you can play this message again in case things arent clear. oh by the way, just got a message from our future self last week, way much further in the future, and he asked me to tell you, well not really you but anyone in the earlier part of our life, to follow what reason tells you. the voice of reason may not feel good sometimes but hey, at least reason is the one who's thinking. actually, that message by our future self is the one that bothered me, which lead to this messed up situation i am in which i was able to trace to you. anyway, i would like to tell you more about what will happen to you in the next five years, but knowing you, because you're me, i know there are some things you wont like. or would prefer not to know at the moment. but since i cant help myself, a surprise is coming your way...soon. i dont think that statement would spoil it, now would it.
static appears again

now, if that message did happen, then, and only then, will i believe there is such a thing as a psychic link between the present self and the future self.

last 24 hours

just woke up. feeling a bit better, feeling more sane. anyway, this song somehow says something of the last 27 hours before i slept a few hours ago.

Crash
by Aerosmith

Sitting on a castle
On the floor with Esmeralda
Waiting for the Geezer
Captain Crunch to come around
Feeling suicidal
´Coz of certain situations
Hanging from the stairs
Too long
I think I'm coming down
It´s time to crash
Losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind
Yeah it´s time to crash
Doin´ tons on colon blow
Stuffing it in every hole
Miles high so am I
Watching Jimi kiss the sky
Salle diner becomes a blur
With everybody jammin´
Republicans begin to sin
The batwings start a slamming
It´s time to crash
Losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind
Maybe it´s a little late but it´s time to crash
You drive me crazy
Captain Billy Beemish
Put a lamb up on a rack
Thanks for coming Billy
And we hope you´re coming back
The castle will be waiting
For next bangers and mash
Blanche and Marsha Reznick
Put their marmite with their hash
It´s time to crash
Losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind, losin´ my mind
Yeah it´s time to crash

the replacement

want to read a psycho shit of a story?

i watched this portion of Rated K about doppelgangers a few days ago and it got me thinking, what if im a doppelganger? of course thats not possible because i have a reflection on the mirror and i have a shadow. that's proof enough im not a doppelganger. but what if, i have assumed the identity of the original person and that is why i have a shadow and reflection, like ive transplanted myself in this world already by replacing the original me. i mean, i started out as a doppelganger and i have successfully replaced the original human by assuming his identity and destroying the original. and then, because of that successful replacement, i was able to incorporate his memories to my mind, to complete the process of the assuming his identity, and it also created the effect of giving me his shadow and the ability to have a reflection. so that would explain why there was a personality change years ago, from an extrovert to an introvert (which i didnt notice, because from my point of view, nothing really changed, it was only when people pointed out to me that i have changed did i notice the difference). makes sense doesnt it? the doppelganger has always been considered as the opposite of the original person it is copying. what if that was the case? if that is the case, that would explain why i feel that i dont fit in this world, because im not naturally part of this world. as a doppelganger, i merely introduced myself to this world and assumed the identity of someone who is really fixed in this world.

there are some who say a doppelganger is a homunculus, a being with no soul. well, i would say that is true as long as the original person being mimicked still exists. by replacing the original and destroying him, the doppelganger is in effect taking everything from the original, including the soul, so he truly becomes the original. only difference is, he is the opposite when it comes to the personality. so far, that's the way i understood it. so does that mean i cant have a doppelganger anymore? because even if i have become the original, i am still in essence a doppelganger. i dont know, maybe im just trying too hard to find an explanation for my eccentric existence.

learn how to drive you moron!

commuters and pedestrians should learn how to drive so that they could realize how inconsiderate they are to drivers and owners of vehicles. some pedestrians cross the road without regard for the motorist's safety. damn pieces of shit! they dont just put their lives in danger, they also put the motorist in hazardous situations! and when they get hit, what do they do? they sue! well, if they live of course. well, there are heirs too. anyway, they ask for compensation! how dare you mr or miss foolish pedestrian! ask a motorist to pay for your recklessness? what the crap's wrong with you? you crossed the road as if there was no vehicle in sight. you refuse to use the colorful foot bridge by the MMDA which is only a few meters away. it's there for your safety but decide to live dangerously. now you get hit because of lack of prudence or sheer stubbornness and now you ask for compensation? well, that's civil liability for you silly motorist.

as for the commuters, well, they are just plain lazy and inconsiderate. they always ask the jeepney driver to let them get off anywhere they want! there really should be designated jeepney stops, like in UP Diliman, where the sheds are usually the loading and unloading zones. the UP drivers follow this! there are commuters who would ask the jeep to stop, in the middle of the road, and they would bang their fist on the jeep's ceiling! holy crap you dimwit! the jeep needs to slow down first and look for a convenient parking spot in order not to be an obstruction in the road. there are some commuters who would get off after another commuter just got off a few meters away. too lazy to walk? and of course, there are those commuters who would rather have the jeepney driver violate the traffic rules. why? because if the driver gets caught, they are not the ones who will pay! so, they would shout at the driver, let them alight from the vehicle, insist even if the driver would say that it's not a loading and unloading zone. they dont care, they want to get off, now!

of course drivers have their faults too, but most of the time, their faults are that they put the commuters and pedestrians life in danger by driving too fast and recklessly. but as for pedestrians and commuters, their fault, well, some of them, come from their ignorance of driving. if they knew how to drive, they wouldnt do those annoying things they do. or so i think.

doctor, doctor i am sick

ever went to the doctor and hear him ask this question: "have you engaged in sexual intercourse in the past two weeks?"

and he has that facial expression where he seems to have already formulated an answer to the question but asks it anyway so he could hear you say the answer. and he would then insist that the answer must be truthful as possible in order for him to prescribe the correct medication. and then you try to recall the past two weeks. where have you been? who were you with? what did you do? holy crap! two weeks! that's a long time! its just another one of those summer vacations where there is no everyday routine like going to school! nothing is really planned during the summer vacation except big barkada out of towns or family vacations. and then you slowly remember the things that happened within that two weeks. so you are about to say you're answer. problem is the answer is neither a yes or no! you're not sure! what the? if you cant be sure about it, then, well, they must have been really wild parties, or you're the one who just likes to get wasted, anytime and anywhere. f*ck fear, drink beer! a little illness is nothing to a man with no fear...no fear until the results come out and hope that it's not one of those goddamn acronyms.

umm...sorry but can i look at your..umm...

ever had those days where you can't tell whether you know this girl or not? and the only way you can be sure about it is when you get to see if she owns this type of panties? of course, you ask yourself, how the fuck could you ask her that? you can't just approach her and say "umm...im not sure if i know you, but can i look at your panties?" or "do you have this pink panties which has a ***** print on it? just wanted to confirm whether i know you". does that mean her panties are better than her face that you cant remember her? maybe just too busy paying attention to her panties then. what can you do, her panties are more interesting than her! well, not really, but at that time, it was her panties that was catching all the attention. isnt that the same thing? there's really no excuse, its her panties that you remember and not her. what a pervert! if you had these kind of days, or at least experienced this, most likely, someone has called you an asshole or a goddamn jerk. and most likely, a slap in the face from the girl if she overhears you saying this: "what girl? oh you mean the one with the so and so panties? yeah, i think i remember her. nice panties, who is she again?". not that she doesnt have a pretty face, of course she does! that's why you remember her face. problem is you're not good with names that's why you cant remember her. then what about the panties! if she's pretty then why isnt her face enough to remind you if you really know her! of course you remember her face, that's why she looks familiar. problem is, you're just not quite sure, so the panties would merely confirm it. anyway, no matter what you say, there's really no excuse for this. and since you are bound to get slapped if you actually say this, might as well say this too: "yeah you are pretty, no doubt about that, but that doesnt mean you're sexy! heck, that's why i remember your panties, it just looks so sexy. so be thankful to those panties you were wearing because if not for that, you're just another pretty face!". wait, did i say slap? i meant brutal beating.

Goin Crazy

When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake. - Narrator (Fight Club)

TBFKARI

The Blog Formerly Known As Rageaholic Insomniac.

Why the name change? well, obviously it's hard to write entries under the influence of rage, since by the time you're sitting in front of the PC to write about an infuriating experience, the rage has subsided. So, let's just focus on the insomniac attacks instead, or entries under the influence of lack of sleep. or entries of similar nature.