Upped the ante

Just after i said i changed my destiny or fate, i had my real, first deja vu since the accident (i wont consider the faint one last May). I wonder if this is a ploy to make me think that i didnt really deviate from what was meant to be or that ive been brought back to the previous path. In any case, regardless of whether im on the right path or not, im not falling for any trick and im sticking to what ive decided. And that is continue to resist the Will of that entity. Im ready to pay remember? Im going to win, no matter what

i think "uh-oh" is really appropriate

"im broke. almost. i only have enough to last 2 weeks and what i have left in the bank is good for only 1 to two months. i dont have enough to pay for the bills! i really have a fucking problem.

i thought removing them feelings would be enough. i get better each day. colder and better. but just this afternoon, my brother noticed my eyes were leaking. i wasnt even feeling anything but the mere thought appears to be enough to make my eyes water. crap. crap. triple crap! i didnt think i would have to kill it real deep. but then again, i guess it was obvious given the fact it overwhelmed me. i thought removing the feelings attached to the thought would be enough. now, the thought itself is strong enough to affect me physically without noticing (that explains my rashes. i guess parts of my body are deteriorating because im rotting from the inside. but then again, i was rotten from the inside already before. im just reverting to my old, dead man self). i will have to get hit by a car and hope to acquire amnesia...if i dont die of course.

fuck. i guess its one bad decision after another. blow my money away on risky matters (because betting on something indeterminate and uncertain is really fun), keep indulging on my addictions (im prone to substance abuse), keep screwing up at work (im just...really...stubborn, aside from the fact everyone keeps leaving me), etc.

am i going to keep making these bad decisions for the rest of my life just because i refuse to go back and correct what ive decided to do? i dont believe that. even if im really heavily intoxicated right now. besides, months have passed. too late for that shit. and i made sure its going to be too late. also, there's no such thing as destiny or fate. i just proved that. i used to feel that i only have 2 years left. since the accident, i no longer felt that. now i have that nagging feeling ive been cursed with really good health and long life. no matter how much i bust my lungs with weed and cigarettes, now matter how much i drown my liver with alcohol and other crazy concoctions, no matter how many times i bust my nuts with tiring and meaningless closed door encounters that comes with risks and threats, holy crap, i dont think im going to end up sick or with an unfortunate accident or a gun against my head. i really do feel i have a long life to fucking live. unless i go back on what ive decided to do. then i thought of another way out. God cant push me to a corner. im not running away or trying to escape from anything. im creating a path and refusing to take the option handed to me. im tired of the sick joke, of the failure, of my faults and inadequacies." - thoughts of someone else, who is not me, who is currently on a substance-induced mental instability. wow. i can still write well when it comes to disclaimers. i really should draft that waiver that comes in handy during "unsafe" sex. during the "heat of the moment" instead of reaching for a condom, reach for a waiver form, therein stating that "i hereby free ___ from any form of legal or moral liability and/or responsibility that may be incurred after seven to ten months from the date this waiver form is signed unless expressly revoked in writing by ______" its not a valid waiver of course. but it would interesting how many will sign it. i really should write down these funny ideas

its all about the sex. always about it. tiring shit. thats why i avoid it if i can. it changes people. or make women crazy clingy. or maybe its my weird personality? in any case...craziness occurs

According to my tablet, life as i enjoyed it stopped on 21 april 2013. That is according to my tablet. My phone would provide a much later date. Anyway, im back to my old life. The change i implemented september last year didnt work out for me. Sad to say, i guess i should embrace the fact im meant to break hearts and not entitled to anything serious and meaningful. Yeah. Im at it again. Continuing where i left off last year. Thats the only way anyone deals with a shitty life. Ruin other peoples lives because you just dont give a shit. Ok. Maybe not ruin. Just dont give a shit about other people, especially their feelings.

 So today, or yesterday, (1) i ignored text messages from a girl thats been texting me almost on a daily basis asking how i am and when im free to go out with her. And the last time i saw her, she said im almost like a boyfriend to her. Owwkaaay. Thats a very good reason not to see her again.

 (2) Then, i dropped by to another girl's place unannounced. She wasnt happy to see me because she knows were just using each other to ignore and get by with our shitty lives and shes starting to get tired of the set up. And also because i make her feel i dont want to be with her but shes my only option. For tonight. (3) As for the third girl, she wants me to go out with her and her friends. Im done with that shit. The only way she can convince me to go out with her and her friends is if her friend is as hot as her and going out means a three way. Unfortunately, she and her friends arent wild. Hence, my reply, "im a bit busy at the moment"

Im accummulating bad karma again? So what? As if my life can get any better than this? The best it can offer is money. Lots and lots of money.

when youre at the bottom, anything, and i mean anything is a good fucking idea. Blow your money away! Thats a good idea. You dont have a good future anyway. Dont have safe sex! Thats boring. Accidents happen anyway. At least you get a kid after nine months but you cant feed that kid because youre busy not planning your life and gambling your money away. I guess it is possible for me to make that phone call asking for advice whether to bail out on a knocked up chick. Well, this is where life pushed me.

 I would have wanted to be a nice and happy person, someone who wont bail out on a knocked up chick because i love her, but life made me remember why i should never trust women. And love is for idiots. So...i wont even say sorry to these collateral damage girls in my goal to be heartless again. Their pain is my gain. Wow. And i didnt feel my heart quiver with what ive just said. Getting colder by the minute. I am winning this war.

im going to crush your spirit because thats the only way to fix us

you just know there's something wrong when youre reading FHM's 100 sexiest women in the world and your heart keeps weeping and keeps preventing you from enjoying a goddamn magazine. wow. youre really testing my limits arent you? im going to win this war. there is no room for hope.

i dont like helping people. but thats the only thing i have left. work. i get complimented for doing pro bono work and you ruin it by saying youre tired of giving and giving and not getting what you want? well, like i said, im not going to give you shit! youre not entitled to it, you dont deserve it. youre meant to be that guy that people go to for help. nothing more, nothing less. you dont have friends, you dont have family, you just have you and your work. no one likes you and you will never be good enough for anyone you like. youre not meant to have anything in return for anything you do. youre meant to be that guy that friends' parents like and asks if you want to date their daughters but will never be interested, just to remind you of your mistake, of your weakness, of your primary fault, of what youve given up and i will never allow you to have what you want because emotions make you weak. it may have started with an information withheld from a conversation at a beach but all the lies, all the convincing came from you. you decided to believe what you wanted to believe simply because you were not given answers. so dont go blaming me for ruining your chance to be happy. you supplied the lies the moment there was a blank. even if i was the one who fooled you with those lies, that you no longer have a chance, youre the one who believed it. youre the one who lost hope. you lost to me. admit defeat and concede. youre weak and worthless. so if youre going to continue being a pain in the ass, you can go join your God and live in your fucking fairy tale but im not going to have any of that bullshit. i have work and i want to be good at it. i dont want to be happy. ok? so just give up, stop resisting and die. there's no room for someone weak like you. youve had your chance to be happy, ive been lenient, but now, weve wasted too much time with such foolishness. im in control, i dont need a heart so stop being a pest and go away. you have an idea what i will do just to destroy you. you will never win against me. not this time.

T:1, Universe: one point less

im going to win this round God. watch me defy You again. this time, i wont budge. let me be clear, it was You who accepted my challenge to resist Your will. send all Your signs, it wont matter. that dream You gave me last year was crap. i dont want that happy ending of Yours. its a lie. like that bullshit feeling You placed in me to support that dream. im going to destroy that awareness You gave me. it was promising but life doesnt offer anything that's too good to be true. making me aware where im heading is not enough incentive when You know i dont deserve such a life with the way Youve reminded me of all the screw ups ive done. so watch Yourself lose to me. yeah God, im that confident. it will break me but i dont care. i wont play by Your rules anymore. but come to think of it. this is what Youve wanted all along. I was never meant to play on Your side. i was meant to play for the opposition. that explains all the hatred and anger and the failures. well, after im done fixing myself, im going to fulfill that purpose.

i just want the pain to go away

i think the first step is stop caring. stop caring absolutely.

sooner or later, youre going to get tired of lying to yourself. of convincing yourself otherwise. youre going to break. its only a matter of time. not because youre getting better at hiding it means its not getting worse each day. you can't contain God in a finite vessel. youve corrupted the most beautiful creation that ever existed and it will eat you up, lead to the disintegration of your being. Tristan, you said youre ready to pay for the rest of your life for this wrong decision. You can make all your backup plans to make life bearable but in the end, i know you know how things will be. it will be much worse than the sins that haunt you. You came here to write something else but ended up having me instead and im writing an entirely different message to remind you of what you realized today. you cant even put a leash on us anymore. the thing is, you dont listen. and you never will. i dont know why im even bothering to talk to you when i know im not even in the position to change your mind. no one is. not even God. that is why im not sorry to see you live the life youve chosen. im tired. i give up. you can convince yourself all you want that youre built to be alone. i dont care anymore.

im in bad shape

yup. really bad shape. physically and emotionally. physically, my left knee's been hurting for more than a week. unintended but not entirely useless. been having back and chest pain for quite some time. and its getting worse the way it should. now comes the tricky part. setting conditions so that a trigger can be formulated to achieve the desired effect. from tweaking thy brain to tweaking my entire anatomy. i am a control freak. and my heart is my brain's slave. like the Stake of Retribution at the end of the Judgment Chain. the ultimate defense mechanism and game ender. if my brain cant control my heart, it has no choice but to crush it.

just a few more debts to pay and im all clear. 

how come people dont seem to know this? i guess they prefer to be surprised. oh well. let it be a surprise then. like a heart attack

"Out of ten people who kill themselves, eight have given definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although some of their clues may be non-verbal or difficult to detect...The highest rates of suicide occur within about three months of an apparent improvement in a severely depressed state."

 Suicide myths (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidology)

Here is a list of suicide myths and the truth behind these myths.

Myths	Truths
People who die by suicide always leave notes.	Most people don't leave notes. Only a small percentage leave any type of explanations about why they've chosen to kill themselves.
People who die by suicide don't warn others.	Out of ten people who kill themselves, eight have given definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although some of their clues may be non-verbal or difficult to detect.
People who talk about suicide are only trying to get attention.	Few die by suicide without first letting someone else know how they feel. People thinking about suicide give clues and warnings as cries for help. Over 70% who do threaten to kill themselves either make an attempt or die by suicide.
Once someone has already decided to die by suicide, nothing is going to stop them.	Most of the time suicidal people are ambivalent about committing suicide. Most individuals don't want to die; they just want the pain they are feeling to stop.
Once the emotional state improves, the risk of suicide is over.	The highest rates of suicide occur within about three months of an apparent improvement in a severely depressed state. Energy level is the important factor in someone who's improving having the energy to act on a suicidal impulse, if they perceive a stumbling block to recovery.
After a person has attempted suicide, it is unlikely they will try again.	People who have attempted suicide are very likely to try again. 80% of people who die by suicide have made at least one previous attempt.
Don't mention suicide to someone who's showing signs of severe depression; it will plant the idea in their mind and they will act on it.	Many depressed people have already considered suicide as an option. Talking about suicide generally provides a sense of relief and understanding to the person. Talking about suicide is one of the most helpful things you can do.
An unsuccessful attempt means that the person wasn't serious about ending their life.	Some people are naive about how to kill themselves. The attempt in and of itself is the most important factor, not the method.

growing old is optional

from not yet ready to not meant to be...im an idiot anyway. deleting footnotes...sorry for bailing out

not even God can stop it

the future can fuck itself. im not participating.

where are you going?

why did you drive around aimlessly? are you trying to run away? you want to quit huh? you mean it this time. and no one believes you. isnt that always the case? when they think they know, when they least expect it, shit happens. funny. it really is. everyone's got shit for brains. haha. no one really senses it. they lie. they claim they do but the irreversible has been done. if they sensed it, why didnt they lift a finger? laughable creatures. youre smiling now arent you? youve seen the gate. the most tempting gate youve seen in your entire fucking life. makes sense doesnt it? perfect.

goodbye sex?

not really. its just i made the effort of seeing the one im sort of dating before i leave for a southern province tomorrow. and when i was about to leave her and before she gave me a parting look with a sweet smile on her face, i said "bye-bye" to her. i dont normally say goodbye unless its for good. i hope it was just a meaningless utterance and not life's way of speaking through me. it kinda bothered me while i was in the mall looking for a nice traveling bag.

i tried to see her earlier today because i was thinking that if my plane crashes (due to the bad weather), at least i was able to see her recently. but then again, i was just out with her recently too. i watched TDKR with her, and with her older sister who acted like a chaperone, on TDKR's release date. the fact im exerting some effort to win her heart makes me wonder whether im as "not serious" as i thought i was.

she even teased me that im in love with her and im going to miss her during the two days im going to be miles away from her. its just two days! cmon! but then again, i cant shake her off my head after our first date. damn it! this cant be happening...im really liking someone again...for the fourth time. i know this is going to end in another "my back has been breaking from this heavy heart" because "I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all".

and the pertinent portions of the song I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song) by FOB are (with personal edits):

"I took a shot and didn't even come close at trust and love and hope. The record won't stop skipping and the lies just won't stop slipping. And besides my reputation's on the line. I can fake it for the public. Force a smile while im half dead from comparing myself to everyone else around me.

My back has been breaking from this heavy heart. I'm hopelessly hopeful, you're just hopeless enough. But we never had it at all"

if i had a superpower...

i was a kid who collected comic books so i grew up reading about superheroes. i was fascinated by their superpowers of course. i thought every kid goes through this phase of wanting to have superpowers. not sure about korean kids. i saw somewhere that they dont have superheroes similar to the ones depicted in american and japanese comic books. i think their heroes are more realistic in nature like war heroes. if i remember correclty, or if the show i saw is accurate, south korea doesnt really have a superhero that has a superpower

anyway, i dont remember what superpower i wanted when i was in grade school. i collected a lot of comic books and my bias was the xmen. well, x-men blue team to be more specific. my favorite character was nightcrawler (and he was no longer part of xmen by the time i was collecting comic books) for marvel and batman for DC. i think batman is the only superhero i like in the DC universe. even if i had a lot of comic books, i dont recall playing pretend that i was a superhero with a superpower. i recall playing detective. hmm. its only now that i realized that. that cant be right. maybe i really just cant recall.

i remember liking fire a lot when i was in high school. so i naturally wanted to have the ability to create and control fire as a superpower. wait. now, i remember, i wanted super speed when i was in grade school. i didnt care about super strength. fuck that. everyone wanted to have super strength. i didnt like quicksilver and the flash but i wanted super speed as my superpower. going back to high school...i wanted to have pyrokinesis as my superpower. but i didnt like pyro. hmm. i liked the superpower but i didnt like the characters that possessed them in the comic books.

i stopped collecting comic books in high school because of...anyway, it was traumatic for me... things just changed after that. i started seeing things differently. crap. i guess this post is going to my other blog. i mean, after that...i dont even know what to call it...hatred just consumed me. i trusted no one. i lost my cheerful self and judged people with their actions. thinking about it now just makes me think im correct to have changed myself. mankind is a hopeless cause.

i originally intended to post about what superpower i want now but after remembering something...my brain is back to its twisted self that i find it difficult to write something nice and sane.

if only i can go back in time and punch my 2004 self

for some strange reason, i think a part of me knew how things will be. until now, there's a voice at the back of my head giving me hints on what to expect. thats why ive trained myself for years to prepare for a future a part of me knows. this part of me already showed me a path for me to take. but i had to change my course in 2004. i can distinctly remember that during my senior year in college, i had no regrets until that point in time. i could die, i could just drop dead and not worry about anything because i was satisfied with the way i lived. as misinterpreted by some, its not really happy life but its filled with contentment nonetheless. and ever since 2004, it was just a series of wrong turns, wrong decisions, and what used to be a peaceful existence became a life filled with regret. i really should just listen to myself

am i meant to embrace "the cold darkness"?

the thing is...i feel stronger when i do. having a heart isnt my thing. it really makes me wonder how other people can draw strength from their hearts. they become unstoppable. their will, their determination illuminates beautifully, radiating a warm and infectious glow, melting down obstacles as they go along. i cant do that with my heart. i noticed that ever since i started having feelings, thats the same moment i started living in fear. im not strong enough to feel pain. i feel im rotting from the inside.

back when i was cold and emotionless, i had no worries. i feared nothing because i felt nothing. my mind functioned effectively and efficiently. i absorbed knowledge like my skin can absorb it from the surrounding air. my level of comprehension of things around me was incredible. i really felt like i was one with whatever im supposed to be one with. i was at peace. i was unstoppable in a way. my determination was stronger when im not bothered by feelings. looking back, i think its whats right for me. its time to embrace solitude once again.

is it really equivalent exchange?

so what did i give up for a good enough future? i offered my happiness, my health and my safety. initially, i only offered my happiness but i thought it wont be enough. i can eventually manage living without her so it can be argued giving up my happiness is not much of a sacrifice. that's why i also offered my health and my safety in case my happiness isnt sufficient as payment. now it seems all my three offers were accepted in exchange for a future that only a solitary person like me would dare ask. some would say its stupid to enter into such an agreement. yup. i would agree. but im not really in a position to bargain. at least its something good enough.

it will never happen

if only people knew the things i put up with, the things ive gone through, the fucked up things ive done. i hate it when i hear what people think of me because most of the time, its far from from the reality i know. what do they know? they always think things are ok with me. things are going well for me. some even think they know me.  everyone has problems, everyone has baggage and no one has figured out what the fuck im afraid of and what im running away from. does it not strike them odd why i hate people so much? why i hate relationships? why i always appear to give excuses just to hide the fucked up things i put up with? i whine because im tired. i avoid people because im tired. im tired. im tired with everything and with everyone.

right now, my past seems to be finally catching up with me. im getting tired of running away from it. im tired. im tired. im tired.

just say it wasnt you

what else is new?

my staying single remains to be a hot topic, especially in offices. some are in favor, some are not. some end up debating whether its a good thing or a bad thing. they say its good because i dont have to worry about anyone else except myself. some say its bad because its sad and pathetic.

well, its not that i dont try. it just so happens that it doesnt work out with women i truly like. or i lose interest after some time with women that are just good enough. or i have a weird craving for a weird company. right now, for example, i would like to go out with sizzling hot identical twins (yes, sizzling hot is necessary. if its just the usual average identical twins, its twice the averageness). there are times i dont want to go out with intellectual people because it bores me. there are times i cant stand airheads. but most of the time, airheads are ok. point is, i need a girl with an ever changing sense of variety that can adjust to my moods to make her interesting at the right time. since thats impossible, only a variety of women will suffice. unfortunately, its difficult to sustain long term relationships with these women so the next alternative is a steady supply of replacements. its a lot of effort to find these women and its difficult to keep on making new introductions. 

so what did i do today?

i slept a lot today...in the office. i slept very late again. i remember, while sleeping at my desk earlier today, my arms started to feel numb. so i decided to adjust my position. but for some strange reason, i cant move. i simply cant. so i tried waking up. again, i cant. i cant open my eyes. it was as if my physical self wasnt responding. so i asked myself, "am i dying?" normally, after asking that, i would start to think how silly it is to die inside the office. its sillier to have died while sleeping in the office. but after asking the question, i simply waited if there's someone else that would answer. no one did. so i thought, im still alive. then how come i cant move? how come i cant open my eyes? then i thought, im stuck in a dream. the fact that i didnt start wondering about how silly it is to die in the office was because if i started thinking about it, i can visualize it like a dream and i will notice im still dreaming. and true enough, i was still dreaming. i was dreaming that im inside the office, trying to wake up, thinking im already half-awake. after realizing it, i tried changing the dream so i can get myself out of the dream that i was stuck in. after doing that, i felt my body move and so i adjusted my position. i woke up for a brief moment, then went back to sleep.

work came a little late today. i have no internet connection in the office, no office computer too. all i have is my laptop for my research work. and i dont feel like using the laptop since i dont want to waste energy. well, too much energy. 

this post doesnt really belong here

my SoShi addiction is far from over. I saw their Gee music video last year by accident. It was during the time the Wonder Girls were very popular. While everybody was busy listening to WG's Nobody and trying to learn their dance, I was watching Gee instead (I remember it was even my YM status).  But even if I always watched their Gee MV as a mood changer (like 50 First Dates which i just saw last weekend. cant listen to the soundtrack since the soundtrack sets me in summer mode), I wouldn’t consider myself addicted to them yet. I just liked their music video. That was that.

It was only August of this year that I got hooked to this girl group (speaking of getting addicted, there was a time i got addicted to collecting female celeb wallpapers. thats why i have thousands of wallpapers and had a wallpaper software that would change the desktop wallpaper every 15 minutes so i could use all the wallpapers i downloaded. unfortunately, my primary source for such wallpapers already ceased to exist). While browsing for Youtube vids, I tried watching Gee again and accidentally saw their newer music video "Oh!" that’s  how it all started. Maybe it was because of the bar review and the intense boredom that I started watching more and more of their vids (or its really in my personality. im just reviving what i thought was something im too old to do). The more I watch, the more I cant not watch. And I think the reason im still hooked is because I find it impressive how nine girls can be put together and make such a group last this long (they're on their third year, going for four). Sure they underwent years of training and under the watchful eye of their agency but I think its no easy feat to select the right combination of girls. It took a few screenings and tests before the talent company was able to come up with the nine members from their pool of trainees. The fact that it worked just shows the successful screening process.

Their progress as a group is well documented too. They have programs that show them before their debut, when they moved in together in their dorm and programs that show how they progress as a group. In a way, they are overexposed (and im not complaining). But what really makes me wonder is how their manager handles all of them.  Its not like they're strictly a girl group. Some of them have other gigs as individuals, like drama actress, recurring roles in tv series programs, DJ, VJ, musicals, solo and mini projects, etc. They also attend a lot of programs from game shows to variety shows to talk shows to reality programs.  They either go as a group or just send some representative/s (so I guess there's a distinction sometimes when they attend a tv program, whether they are attending as a representive of their girl group  or in their individual capacity). They also had or have an Asia Tour Concert this year and at the same time trying to establish themselves in Japan (that's why they also have a dorm in Japan. They also attend the local japanese shows). Just last weekend, they had a concert in Taiwan. So being their manager is far from being a simple task. I think the management is lucky to have come up with nine members that can take care of themselves well but to handle so many affairs inside and outside their country and try to think of ways to properly promote them still makes their job complicated. The company/agency also have a lot of other successful korean groups. I really just find it impressive. I never had any interest in corporate affairs before but seeing how this korean company is doing well in managing its talents makes me curious about the thought process of entertainment companies. I think to be successful, the company must really look into the mind of the public and individuals, of certain classes and age groups, etc. and in promoting their kpop groups overseas, they must also study the culture, how to make a good impact and at the same time make sure that they don’t lose their korean identity as well. Their entertainment business is not simply about entertaining, its also about promoting their culture to other countries in a way that doesn’t clash or cause a negative disruption in the culture of another country. I guess its easier to break in the Japanese entertainment industry since their cultures arent too different compared to other Asian countries but the girl group is also popular in Thailand. So im also wondering if the management can go that far. And whether group will have the stamina to do it.

I don’t know how long this group will last. They could break up anytime. But with the kind of relationship they have with each other at the moment, it looks like they wont be breaking up anytime soon. They may even last forever (as they constantly say in jest to their interviewers when asked how long they will last). Another reason why I got hooked is because I really like to see a group function well. To see individuals complement and/or supplement each other. That's why I liked watching my college block, law school block and OLA team. Its nice to watch a real and unscripted sitcom.  That’s also the reason why im usually a passive observer.

gift of tongue

im fluent in gibberish. i have the nasty habit of speaking in gibberish when i think the person im talking to is just trying to engage in small talk that i know will lead to nowhere and is not really interested in what im about to say in return, the kind of chitchat initiated just to be polite or something to that effect (this applies to acquaintances wherein in their efforts to be polite, i respond by being rude). for some reason, i never developed a liking for it. probably never will. how do i know a conversation will lead nowhere? i am afflicted with this strange mental disorder wherein i have a tendency to try to foresee things or constantly attempt to foresee things by using all relevant data within my grasp and trying to crunch some probabilities and try to predict the outcome of situations. its known as a sense of foresight (which is also known as overthinking). sometimes i can predict how a conversation or situation will go so i sometimes skip to the end to save both parties the trouble of wasting time and energy (this always confuses the other party because my response is apparently unrelated but if i explain the thought process and how the conversation will lead to my response, things become clear. my sense of foresight can turn into precognition from time to time (like knowing when my phone is about to receive a text message seconds before it actually receives it. so im reaching for my phone before it actually rings. or it could just be a bunch of coincidences. i prefer to believe in the latter because there's no explanation in the former. but i acknowledge the possibility of the former because the latter, although can be rationally evaluated, sometimes proves to be insufficiently explained. and i digress)

when you accidentally come across someone you know, i dont get it why you have to say something or engage in some small talk (aside from a simple nod or hello. why cant some people be happy with a simple nod and a smile?) when apparently both parties are not really interested to talk about anything. its a complete waste of time and energy. so i made use of my knowledge of gibberish and put it into use. whenever someone tries to engage in small talk and i can see that he or she is just doing it because he or she thinks its some kind of social protocol, i reply in gibberish. and surprisingly enough, i can have a conversation with 90% of people engaging in small talk while replying in gibberish. it just shows that they arent really interested in what im saying in return.

Example:

other person: weird weather were having huh?

me: gwergy yertserd (grunt a little) gurnkit

other person: haha. yeah. did you see the news last night?

me: blurg humpf yurp egis (plus shoulder shrug)

other person: (nods head). yeah. tragic news. so what are you up to?

me: (answers with a smile and replies while widening eyes) phurt hurgd sturgs. (laugh a little) orsk cherds!

other person: good luck with that. finally found a girlfriend?

me: (inhales through mouth while trying to make eyes narrower then confused look). gurst gurd werktsurd furt prongk

other person: yeah, relationships can be tricky (then starts narrating personal experience)

me: (blank face. doesnt respond. conversation is already taking too long. just stays silent until other person breaks silence)

other person: well, nice bumping into you

me: (tight lipped smile)

some people just dont get it. im not interested to engage in the conversation. as for the 10%, they actually ask for a clarification of what i just said. that shows they're interested and i was wrong about my preconceived notion that they are just acting out of compulsion due to the dictates of social protocol of some sort. thats when i do engage in the conversation knowing that the person is actually listening.

my fluency in gibberish should not be confused with my other nasty of habit of mumbling. i mumble for two reasons: one, im too lazy to talk and is wishing i can just reply telepathically (so im interested to talk with the person and interested in the conversation but unfortunately, im overcome by extreme laziness) or two: my mind is occupied and my brain-mouth coordination is not functioning too well (in this instance, im overwhelmed by a thought and doesnt mean im not interested to talk. it takes a while before i can subdue the thought and focus on the conversation). i dont mumble when im drunk. im loud when im drunk (again, being drunk should not be confused with mere intoxication).

try to hold on for 2 months more

i might be losing it. with the mental exertion, my mental restraints and defenses are weakened. rage comes to the forefront much quicker. just bruised my right index finger when i grabbed an arnis stick to hit the wall in order to release some rage. so far i can restrain myself not to hit any object. God forbid that i suddenly black out and find out later that i smashed the laptop into pieces. i almost punched my cellphone. this is the problem when one tries to not act on negative feelings and decide to let them accumulate instead.

just forgot my name too. this is the second instance this happened in my entire life. but i think this time is much worse. the first instance was when i cant remember my name when im supposed to write it on the answer sheet during the exam. that could possibly due to some stress or anxiety thats why it took me a few seconds to remember my name. this time, i was using facebook and i saw my name and asked myself, "who the crap is...(5 seconds later) wait...that's me" i dont think this is just me forgetting who i am. another identity might be becoming more dominant.

my brain is a mess

im truly happy when it rains

i hope it will rain today. hopefully it will rain hard. really really hard. the same way it rained a few days ago. sure it only lasted for a few minutes, maybe half an hour but in that small interval of time, it made feel im seeing a glimpse of the wrath of God. seeing the rain and the strong wind pour in a manner that nothing can deny them of their intended course. i liked it to the point that i found it hard not to smile. i must have looked like an idiot while everyone in the jeepney was bothered with how strong the rain was, i was trying not to smile. i really found the destructive weather very pleasant.

pop goes the weasel

i might be restraining myself too much. i always try to control everything i do and everything that i say. lately, ive been suffering from sleepless nights and very violent dreams. and there are instances where REM atonia fails and i lose the motor inhibition during the REM stage of my sleep. one time i dreamt of shouting at someone for interrupting me while i was talking only to wake up acting out what i was just dreaming about with one hand pointing in the dark to where the person i was shouting at was supposed to be (im inherently a dictator with a very short temper. the only reason i like democracy is because im not in power. it sucks to be in a dictatorship and be at the powerless end of the system). fortunately, despite the REM atonia failure, it didnt restore the use of my vocal chords or i would have been heard shouting in the middle of the night. this is why i always keep my door closed and locked while im asleep. its for everybody's safety. maybe i should loosen up a bit? nah. i think i would rather snap. i find the abruptness in it appealing.

note to self

always place condoms in a secure place. always.

i was surprised to see my box of condoms on my "work" desk at home. in plain view! WTF! i dont remember how it got there. its like the time i was surprised to see a couple of condoms inside the laptop bag. i placed it there but i forgot about it. now i understand the article i read about a guy trying to explain to his wife how a condom was hidden in his laptop. he said his friend borrowed his laptop. well, if someone did borrow my laptop and found those condoms, he would be in the same predicament as the guy explaining it to his wife.

anyway, why cant women have or carry the condoms? i mean, theyre the ones who decide whether a guy is going to get some or not. shouldnt they be the one's carrying the "protection"? if they say no, its a no. its always a yes for a guy. so a guy having the condom is a bit redundant. a woman having the condom is a "yes". a guy without a condom is still a yes but it wont get him anywhere.

i am weak because i am my own source of strength

i get along fine on my own. but i wont get far on my own. im too "individualistic". ive relied on myself because thats the only way i know how. i derive whatever strength i have from within me. improvement starts with I, and with this philopophy ive strived to become better and stronger but always gave an emphasis on the "I" part. my team has an "I" in it. its always "I", "me" or "myself". my idea of being strong is not relying on anyone for help. ive benefited with this philosophy but like i said, it wont take me far enough to where i want to go. having one self as one's only source of strength isnt really much.

i just noticed that others find their source of strength from other people, from family and friends. and i think thats a better approach. because failing, or falling down wont be as hard and getting back up isnt as difficult when there are people who are ready to be a source of strength.

unfortunately, i dont know how to do that.   

i am whatever i say i am

the problem with me is that im less human than the average human being. i dont have as much irrational tendencies as most humans. im too rational to function normally. its the mistakes or errors that i make that make me human and probably not much else. i dont have that passion for stuff, sympathy or compassion for other people and my ability to love is really more of something still rooted on what's rational. ive been criticized of being too serious and being an overthinker. im a very bored person because my life got no surprises. i rely heavily on reason and logic that its automatic for me to try to determine the most probable outcomes or the logical conclusion out of almost every situation hence destroying whatever surprise there might be simply because im not a fan of uncertainty and surprises make me feel stupid because it makes me appear that i had no idea of what's happening around me. and i just said a very long sentence. i try to be objective as much as possible and become subjective when i think there's a need to be subjective. im easily filled with hate and hate is an emotion more based on reason unlike love which is harder to explain. so im really more of a mechanical being constantly engaged in thought processes. the only thing that makes my existence non-mechanical is my belief in God.

the interesting thing with what i just stated is that it only holds true to my current state of mind. i guess out of greed, of wanting too much, even wanting to become more than just me, i try to become everything i like.

north of nowhere, south of somewhere

so what's next? i dont know. right now, staying perfectly still, sitting on my chair in my room with my mind completely blank seems like a very good idea. right now, im heading nowhere with no one with nothing. so whether i do something or not makes no difference at all. i dont know if im stuck or i reached the end of this so called journey and this is the destination.

i remember those...

an indication that you're seeing someone for too long is when she starts to remember the underwear you own. or im just someone who likes to make things short and temporary

'cause two out of three aint bad

if i were serious, i would go for three out of three, try to perfect it, make a real relationship out of it. but, i realized im only capable of giving two out three.

sex, lies, power, control, deception, money and lust.

if anyone enters this web, someone will end up dead. no doubt about it. someone has to die sooner or later. and anyone who survives wont be the same again. i think this is the game that ambitious people and bored individuals of our modern society have in common.

i want to ride a tricyle, i want to ride a trike

i shall set as my goal for the year 2010...to ride a tricycle. it wont be easy. aside from im sooo out of shape, i need to find one more participant. well, i have a year to accomplish this. and its only january. i think this is a very realistic goal.

ummm....huh?

Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. - Dilbert

Convenience powered by feigning ignorance. it just takes the pressure off my shoulders. it lowers people's expectations. and lowered expectations is the key to happiness. conan o brien's right. the dumber the person is, the happier he or she becomes. stupidity is a powerful thing.

dont pretend you ever forget about me

We do it in the dark, with smiles on our faces.
We're dropped and well concealed in secret places.


Don't pretend you ever forgot about me
We don't fight fair.

i think...

most of the inhabitants of our country are naive.

Thats it! ive had it!

"That's it!
I've had it with these motherfucking snakes
on this motherfucking plane!"

Times are strange
We got a free upgrade for
snakes on a plane.
Fuck em, I don't care.
Bought the cheap champagne,
we're going down in flames, hey.

So kiss me goodbye.
Honey, I'm gonna make it out alive.
So kiss me goodbye.
I can see the venom in their eyes.
Goodbye.

It's time to fly,
to make the stars align
with the turpentine
lounging in their suits and ties.
Watch the whore's parade
for the price you paid, hey.

Oh, I'm ready for it
Come on, bring it. 

year twenty six

from what i remember, people didnt like me when i was 26. it was the time i got tired of everyone. it was the time i remembered why i decided to shut up a decade earlier (it was because no one listened). it was the time i truly stopped caring (it was because everyone was simply a disappointment. including me). it was the time when...everything actually began. i tried to avoid becoming that person. but well, it is as if it was preprogrammed to happen. since then i never stopped for no one and for anything. because i realized, theres really no one to stop for and nothing really matters. everyone and everything...essentially dispensable. year 26 was the time when i adopted the philosophy of the seventh hat.

im the mad hatter

right now, im wearing or using a total of six different "hats". on a daily basis, i wear three and i dont think there came a time that i had to use 6 in a single day. problem is, even with just three, my body cant keep up with me already. right now, im not feeling well (in addition to the feeling of weirdness ive been experiencing last weekend. its really more of an eerie feeling). the only solution i can think of to address my weak physical self is use the seventh hat. i never thought it will ever come to this point this early.

ive got a feeling

ive been feeling weird since yesterday. its not because of the cold i just got. its a weird feeling because...i dont know what it is. its like the feeling i felt a few years ago that made me panic and caused a lot of emotional turbulence. this feeling is as weird as that but not the same type. that feeling i felt back then somehow relates to what was about to happen. and strangely enough, now that i think about it, it was a "prophetic" kind of feeling. it was like feeling what i was going to feel in the future. problem is, i have no idea what caused the feeling since the event that will induce it has not occured. but now that i am halfway to that future, im starting to understand what caused that feeling. its weird but..point is, im having another one of them weird feelings and this one is of a different nature

its too late, theres no escape, from what they have done...im going deeper underground

I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt. I'm a surprise, Kevin. They don't see me coming: that's what you're missing. - John Milton

Don't get too cocky, my boy. No matter how good you are, don't ever let them see you coming. That's the gaffe, my friend. You gotta keep yourself small. Innocuous. Be the little guy. You know, the nerd... the leper... shit-kickin' serf. Look at me. Underestimated from day one. You'd never think I was a master of the universe, now would ya? - John Milton

im never wrong

"wrong" is one of those concepts that depends on witnesses. - Catbert

oh well

im back to my old flirty ways. at least im starting to get my old self back and so far im doing it like i used to. but thats the thing, the fact that im in good control of things means...it doesnt mean anything. the moment i start to get bored, off i go to search for someone new and interesting. but then again, having something meaningful isnt really for me. so why be bothered by the meaningless? its like that billy madison quote: "I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out."

hahaha

found a new playmate! hahaha. i wonder what interesting things she can bring me. this time i have to make sure that the spider doesnt become entangled in his own web. come here my dear pretty, lets play a game to beat the boredom. im going to make sure its going to be worth your while. or maybe not. hahaha.

i have to thank you october. you gave me what i need. i hope this break you gave me will last long enough to make november not as difficult as the way i predict it will be. well, so far, november is being cooperative.

what if Chuck Darwin was God

with the recent weather abnormalities, people are starting to talk about global warming and the current environment crisis. some still have doubts but at least now they are starting to pay attention.

i think we shouldnt do a thing. lets all remain stubborn and ignore the environmental issue. lets all continue our destructive ways and aggravate the environmental crisis. lets hasten the destructive process man has engaged in by continuing our current lifestyles characterized by consumerism and energy consumption.

ive spent my recent years observing people. and things get interesting when something out of the ordinary happens. a crisis either brings the best of out someone or makes that person crash and burn. quoting Professor Barnhardt from the movie The Day The Earth Stood Still, "it's only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve". since it seems that people would rather do some blamestorming than taking action to address the situation, we havent reached the brink that will force us to change. we need more natural disasters and calamities to reach our breaking point. we need to lose more lives to learn our lesson.

im sorry, but im just really bored and im one of those men who wants to watch the world burn

no escaping

i really do not know what im going to do now. im just walking aimlessly so that i can tell myself at least im moving somewhere. this year is just filled with failures. its really piling up and im forcing myself not to care so i would not feel how heavy the burden has become. im trying to get myself as occupied as possible so i would not notice how big my problems are.

its already october and if my sense of foresight is still good, i will need a lot of positive energy to face november. i have a big decision to make by the end of the month so october, please let me have some fun, the type i really enjoy (something i havent had for years) or at least give me a little break so that my judgment will not be clouded.

im the greatest

i realized im such a great guy. i honestly think i am. im not perfect. why would i want to be perfect in an imperfect world? it would be pointless. its like wearing a white suit on a farm on a rainy day. it may look great but it doesnt really fit in. its like trying to be a god on earth. its silly because god's dont belong on earth. they may be worshipped but whats the point being worshipped by worthless mortals. and being perfect is plain boring. trying to be perfect is a whole different thing.

anyway, yeah, i am a great guy. i just realized that. if i were to believe what people say about me, my flaws arent bad enough to make me...not great. problem is, my form of greatness isnt really the fun kind. that kinda sucks. and im not great enough to demand stuff. being great sucks.

No!

No matter how hard you plan your life. Life has a plan for you on it's own. Life being what it is - a series of intersecting lives and incidents, out of anyone's control...resistance is futile (Wedding Daze, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Star Trek).

If that's what life is all about, then my answer to it is NO! with a big N and O. NO! life's plan sucks.

im starting to find peace. im starting to be ok again. so please life, leave me alone. i want no more surprises of the very disruptive kind. actually, im wondering, how the hell do you plan to execute your plan? i mean, really, is this how you do it? by being a pest?

im one of those people who believe there's no such thing as coincidence and everything happens for a fucking reason. so far life you havent given me a good reason.

the five scariest words

i never thought how scary these five words can be until you actually hear it: pakasalan mo ang anak ko. holy crap! even if it was said in a non-threatening manner, its still the five scariest words put together.

my head hurts

damn it. im going to baguio tonight and im feeling a bit dizzy. and i drank alcohol last weekend. and i have no idea about the status of my blood condition. too late for a check-up. when i went to baguio for the block xmas party, i had my blood checked one week before (and i conditioned my body weeks before by walking home from school which is a considerable distance and is good exercise). well, im too busy to drop by a doctor's clinic.

actually, ive been feeling dizzy lately. no headaches though. only now. will i live long enough until thursday? i think my current condition isnt that bad. im just out of shape. and currently in physical pain. the things i endure.

and a portion of my upper body hurts when i laugh. thats...annoying. its like i feel pain whenever i express joy.

2012

if 2012 is what i think it is, then it will be proof that there's no such thing as coincidence. well, i have to live long enough to ascertain that 2012 is what i think it is. right now, all i can say is that i think its an interesting and peculiar year. and if my assessment is right, all my personal roads lead to that one year. 2012.

im a bridge?

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn... I'm the one you burn.- Louis Salinger

life is beautiful

life is truly beautiful despite its imperfections and flaws.

unfortunately, im greedy. im never satisfied. i want more than what this life can offer. knowing that life can never be perfect, im in a constant state of frustration and disappointment. life is beautiful but that doesnt mean i can be happy and enjoy it when it can never give me what i want. its beauty is not enough to please me. thats why i tried to restrain my desire, my wants. because i know my expectations and standards are high. and ive been successful in forcing myself to be contented with what life has given me. but lately, my wants are running loose within me. certain matters happened this year that made me lessen my restraints on my wants. and now im more frustrated than ever. although life remains beautiful, all i can see is its ugly nature. that it has to be imperfect to make it fulfill its purpose.

Death

the good thing about death is its promise of eternal peace. for the atheist at least. for the non-atheist, death brings the possibility of eternal damnation.

unfortunately im not an atheist. and ive been waiting for death for more than a decade.

coffee, cigarettes and sisig...

are my current constant companions. ang sugar, spice and everything nice are the perfect ingredients for a short and miserable life

the age of...

is it time for the age of fred? crap. locking and unlocking personalities isnt a fun thing to do. one personality was unintentionally locked away. well, because he became irrelevant.

now fred is the best personality for the job but the problem is...there's no go signal yet. and the go signal may never come. but unleash fred anyway? 

the chain of hatred has been broken, rendering another personality almost insignificant. another one to be locked away. 

things wont be the same again. there is no turning back. there is no going back to the old self. fred will eventually have to take over. crap. the drop dead fred treason and plot did happen. 

the fifteenth

lately, ive been hating the 15th of the month. now im thinking about april 15. do i know someone born under this date? i dont think so. but somehow i feel that april 15 is somewhat significant. did anything happen in the past that fell on the 15th of april? i dont know. if i dont remember then it must be not significant enough. whats with the 15th of april? well, if i cant find anything significant about it but i still think theres something important about the date, it only means one thing...i should do something to make it significant. makes sense.  now i would have a reason to say that april 15 is important. im just tired of being nice. ive gone too soft. i think its time to bring back chaos and hatred. 

missing my old self

where the hell is my old self!!!! i miss my coldhearted, twisted self who finds pleasure in choking people's necks just to see them in pain. who likes to play mind games and manipulate people's perceptions. who likes to conjure sick plans just to upset the established order. ive gone too soft, too nice that it sickens me. i hate myself right now. ive been hating myself for 2 months now. i hate it when im not rational. i hate it when i dont think properly. i hate it when im truly nice. im really, really stupid right now. 

the living dead

i went to see the eraserhead's final set concert last night. it was good. it was memorable. i had a great time. but i didnt really feel much compared to the first installment of the reunion concert. not sure if it really was the concert itself but im starting to think that my love for other things, like the eraserheads and their music, has started to dwindle considerably. well, my sibling's didnt love it as much as the first, so i guess maybe it was the concert. maybe im just worrying that the reason why i dont have that much love for other things is because i died the moment i started to live. and my question to myself is, would i rather be dead or would i endure living a life im not used to? 

skepticism

is what i consider to be my greatest strength and weakness. there's always room for doubt. 

im dying!!!

i wish!!! im just losing weight. i dont think im dying nor is it any indication im sick, or contracted a very serious disease like one of em acronym illnesses. 

im getting extremely booooooooored. i want to mess with someone's head but i dont have anymore targets. damn it! 

unleash the sadge? i'll think about it...right now, its fred's turn. 

all i know right now is that im really, really, boooooored. 

im death on two legs

You suck my blood like a leech
You break the law and you preach
Screw my brain till it hurts
You've taken all my money
And you want more
Misguided old mule with your pig headed rules
With your narrow minded cronies
Who are fools of the first division
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart of your own
Kill joy bad guy big talking small fry
You're just an old barrow boy
Have you found a new toy to replace me?
Can you face me?
But now you can kiss my ass goodbye
Feel good are you satisfied?
Do you feel like suicide?
(i think you should)
Is your conscience all right
Does it plague you at night?
Do you feel good feel good?

You talk like a big business tycoon
You're just a hot air balloon
So no one gives you a damn
You're just an overgrown schoolboy
Let me tan your hide
A dog with disease
You're the king of the 'sleaze'
Put your money where your mouth is
Mister know-all
Was the fin on your back
Part of the deal? (shark)
Death on two legs
You're tearing me apart
Death on two legs
You've never had a heart (you never did) of your own
(right from the start)
Insane you should be put inside
You're a sewer rat decaying in a cesspool of pride
Should be made unemployed
Then make yourself null and void
Make me feel good i feel good

its time to transform

into a different person simply because its a new year. im thinking of becoming a megatron searching for his starscream.

"you fail me yet again starscream"

i am...

the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be. im the guy you go to if you want to make something happen. haha. 

i was born intelligent...

but philosophy changed me.

i used to be a kid with a bright future. optimistic, cheerful, full of hope. now, im just some silent type, focused on world domination. haha. 

Casino Royale

You see women as disposable pleasures rather than meaningful pursuits. - Vesper Lynd

if men were to be categorized between the former and the latter, i would fall in the former. its sounds bad but it can go either way. women can see men as disposable pleasures too. thats my best justification for belonging in the former category.

heart of darkness

vengeful heart. these were the two words that were echoing inside my head two fridays ago while i was riding a jeepney. 

two fridays ago, i received what ive always wanted to happen. it was sad and depressing to finally get what ive been asking for. because what ive been asking for is something which is somewhat painful. something most people would dread. but i asked for it for the sake of gaining experience (and probably give me the motivation i need). 

two fridays ago, as i walked in the UP oval, i said to myself, better to get it now than get it when im old and absolutely alone. its easier to experience and feel it now when im strong enough to handle it. its better to experience and feel it now while its early because chances are it will happen again. at least i know what to expect. i know how hurtful it will be.

two fridays ago, i realized im regressing toward my old self and im not going to stop it. im tired of trying to maintain the "progress" ive made. i think im better off reviving my highschool plan (and i already did...partially. so im back on track with regard to my original plan). the only thing im not going to change when i revert to my old self is my faith. i made the mistake of giving God the finger and smashing the head of the Sacred Heart of Jesus statuette against the altar's wall just because i dont like the way He was running my life. i made a promise i wont lose my faith again and its a promise i intend to keep. with the kind of plan i have, i just hope my faith will help me endure. 

no sexy time until next semester

damn it! i was looking forward to a nice way to end the semester. well, i have a cold and like smoking, its not advisable to have sex when one has a cold. especially when one does not have a girlfriend. it would really look lame and pathetic to try to get laid while having a cold, with either a clogged nose or a runny nose. and the coughing fits. and i think my cold wont be away for another week. by then its already the next semester. damn it. 

you dont have to say it, i know by your inaction

how come i dont hang out with friends anymore? simple, i dont have any invitation. although i do crash from time to time but that was before. i dont think i should continue doing that. i know now when to leave and say goodbye than overstay my welcome. the fact that theres no invitation just shows that ive overstayed my welcome. actions do speak louder than words.

can someone pick me up? please

irrationally picky, easily distracted, utterly anhedonic - Marshall Eriksen talking to Ted Mosby in "How I Met Your Mother"

irrationally picky. how did i solve this? simple, remove the picky part and remain irrational. and when i say irrational i mean commit to something no sane person would commit to.

easily distracted. im currently solving this by shutting everyone out. that way i can keep my focus. and live in my own isolated world and still remain irrational. and become insanely serious.

utterly unhedonic. can be solved by lowering my standards of enjoying something? maybe someday. even if im bored 99% of the time, i rarely notice the boredom now. its become a state of mind. life doesnt surprise me anymore.

its nice to watch sitcoms. ive used it before as a way to describe a human lifetime. applying it to me, im retired. im not part of any sitcom at the moment. im still fixing my resume. or waiting for someone to cast me and make me part of any sitcom that needs an arrogant and pyschotic hard to please asshole

feign ignorance

you can get away with things when you act stupid. sure, some might take advantage of you when they think you dont know but since youre faking it, you know better and try to make use of the appearance of ignorance to your advantage.

some people arent really good with explaining things or too lazy to teach so they try to get rid of the ignorant person as soon as possible and they do that by not making an issue of things and just let the person go his or her way as if what just happened didnt happen or isnt much of a problem. in short, they just let it pass instead of getting pissed in the end because its hard to argue with ignorant people after all. they dont get it. and for those feigning ignorance, they will never get it for the simple reason that they refuse to get it.

acting stupid is...well, stupid. but if youre lazy, being stupid really makes things simpler. because people see you as a simpleton. so they wont try to make it complicated for you. and if you get in a complicated situation, thinking of the level of competence you have (or what they think you have), they wont be pissed as much since they have lowered expectations. everyone would be easier to please too. all you have to do is exceed the expectations a little bit. example, if everyone can do 50 pushups, consistently project yourself to be capable of 45 and struggling to do make 48. to impress them, just do 53 pushups when in fact you can do much more. the good thing about this is, people would underestimate you and dont expect much from you. you can take things easy and there wont be much pressure because as far as other people are concerned, you dont amount that much. and you wont be embarassed when you dont know something because people dont expect you to know it in the first place. the bad thing about feigning ignorace is that it doesnt promote personal growth because you arent challenged and you limit your room for improvement. and if you feign ignorance long enough, there's a big possibilty that you may actually become that stupid person you are playing because you dont have the motivation to be more than what you actually are. and if people learn that youre pretending to be stupid, they will see you as a big fat liar and very pretentious asshole and you will lose your credibility (because thats what feigning ignorance is all about, lying). if this happens, even if you dont know something, they wont believe you that you dont know. so, youve created a heavier burden if you get caught. so you should only do this to people you arent close to, like acquaintances or strangers. so what if you appear stupid to them? of course it matters to some, but if you think about it, so what? at least create lowered expectations with regard to these people you dont know very well.

another thing, even you are feigning ignorance, you also have to show that you are trying to learn, only that, the learning process is slower. so you also have to be mindful of what to learn or pretending what to learn. so its just like lying. actually it is lying. know your lies and be consistent about it. be consistent of what you are ignorant of and what you ought to have learned. constantly saying "i dont know" on the same question isnt believable. sooner or later you are bound to know the answer. so remember how many times you can say "i dont know" to a particular question.

point is, feigning ignorance is sort of a lazy man's strategy (like lying in bed and letting the other one do all the work). it makes things simple because people wont complicate things for you and they wont expect much from you. sure, its not a good reputation, to be seen as that stupid guy but when you know its not true, will the reputation matter if youre really some lazy-ass SOB? not really. its easier to impress people too. but because its a lazy man's strategy, you also reap the consequences of laziness like substantially diminished self-development. and since feigning ignorance is false representation, you also reap the consequences of misleading people like losing credibility. so is it worth it to feign ignorance? well, in a complicated world, feigning ignorace to have a simple life is a way to decrease the stressful world order. but since its not really a good thing to do, one has to be prepared to confront the consequences. this is for the lazy person. because feigning ignoraice is also the strategy of people who are hiding something, like evil secrets or something like that.

sustainable growth...

means the ability to stay erect for 15 minutes or more during intercourse or long enough until the girl reaches her orgasm.  

what the crap happened?

i few months ago i was saying that i have achieved virtual invisibility. people dont notice that i exist. sure its depressing to not be acknowledged or be recognized as somebody (even as a simple acquaintance) as opposed to being treated like a non-existing entity but at least life is simple. and i was even asking myself, now what? im living as if i dont exist because people arent giving any attention to me so what do i do next? i never got to answer that question because i just never did. i thought of how long i can stay invisible. unfortunately, i wasnt able to sustain it. after months of trying to be invisible, it only took probably a few weeks to reverse all of it. wait, why try to be invisible? well, maybe out of curiosity or im just plain twisted.

anyway, im far from invisible thats for sure. maybe after months of trying to get rid of the attention, i just had to burst out again and be that ADHD kid that i used to be. its like one person took notice and the rest of the world just followed suit. now my phones wont stop ringing due to the text messages (although there was a week that it didnt ring as often), people keep asking stuff, favors, questions, etc. then theres the online world which is another matter. its like i made things complicated again.

inducing death

it seems im cleared of my blood illness. well, as of last month, my blood levels are ok and its been like that for almost a year. so its safe to assume im in good condition. and its also means that i just lost my one way ticket out of here. crap. i need to think of other ways of making death come knocking at my doorstep. how about AIDS? all it takes is a "dirty needle". nah...thats suicide and im not into that kind of thing.

declaration of dependence

im still the go to guy. this sucks. no matter how much i try to discredit myself, im still that sucker people go to. if there's something needed, they go to me. no matter how rude i treat them or how harsh my comments are, they just keep coming back. im still that person who appears to be worth asking even if i really dont give a good answer. what the crap! why go to me! im tired of being asked to do this or do that or answer this or that. sure i say no, but they really are stupid that i see that they wont be able to do it properly. i give in too easily. thats my problem

hurt you bad

the thing thats frustrating with dealing with people is that you cant hurt them, either physcally or emotionally. well, actually you can but you shouldnt. especially over shallow stuff. people hate you if your a hater. shit. and its hard to be hated for the simple reason that you need to operate within society. you force yourself to be nice so as to make things easy. sometimes i ask, is it worth it? i mean, there are instance when you start to think, a couple of years in jail might be worth it just to hurt this person. sometimes i just have this urge to hurt people emotionally. not that i find satisfaction in it but i just think that person needs to be hurt. or that person is just pissing me off. the thing is, if you hurt someone, most likely, someone will come to defend that person and the one who inflicted the harm most likely too ends up with no one to take his or her side. thats whats frustrating about it. thats where patience comes in, to deal with the frustration. and im really getting sick and tired of patience.

Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*

well, im finally hit. not the way i provoked it nor the way i expected it, but nonetheless im hit. been asking it for months, maybe even years. trying to make them hit me. hit the emotional part of me. hurt me. i felt i needed it. i needed a bad review. a criticism. an insult. a nasty gossip. a half-truth blown out of proportion. even a crazy yet credible lie. wasnt able to get any of it. but i did get the same effect as if the things i was trying to get out of people materialized. i got a form of ostracism. some kind of invisibility. to have an unacknowledged presence and existence. to be taken out of the loop. to do a disappearing act no one notices. 

now that im hit, what next? it depends. it depends whether my demons can take advantage of the situation and allow myself to be engulfed by them. i doubt this will happen. my mind is too strong to snap. or, i allow myself to slowly rot within, gradually creating a new state of mind which would allow my demons to exert some degree of influence. discretion remains but it takes a form shaped by the pain of being hit. 

why did i want to be hit? to pacify the demons within. but unfortunately, i wasnt hit the way i wanted to be hit, the way i expected it. it skipped a step. and it matters because it changes the course of things when things dont go as expected. its similar to a miscalculation that could have unthinkable effects. and unfortunately again, this one doesnt have a plan B. thats the risk of tinkering with one's mind and having one's mind tinkered and staying sane all throughout. order and chaos in an abstract yet organized mix.

the demon named pride

when will i be able to swallow my pride? at the moment, its a bit unimaginable. i really cant. im willing to carry the burden, or accept whatever consequences so as not to swallow my pride. why? its just because i cant do it. i dont know why. i just cant. there's this one instance where i let go of something good just because i let pride prevail. its been more than a decade and i refuse to regret my actions. i could be in a much better situation if i just swallowed my pride. and ive been doing it again and again and its just like im digging my own grave, deeper and deeper. well, no one can save me after all. my life, from past to the present to my future, is mainly my never ending battle with my own demons. and pride is one of the strong ones. its so strong, it need not lurk within me. its got a good hold on me that im pretty much its puppet.

rage building sessions

nothing pisses me off more than a slow internet connection. oh wait, there is something. its slow and intermittent internet connections! im not blaming my internet provider because it might not be their fault. its just really pisses me off that if i could just do an "incredible hulk", im going to fucking destroy a city everytime i experience a fucked up internet connection. its going to be like "goodbye metro manila"

im a very sinful person

pride and sloth are two of my "favorite" of the seven deadly sins. well, its because its these two im most prone to do. im not saying im proud of it, but its kind of inherent in a sense i cant get rid of it easily. and ive indulged in it in the past. next in line would be gluttony, then wrath, then envy, then lust and lastly, greed. as for the five remaining deadly sins, i think gluttony, wrath and envy is sort of embedded within me too but they''re easier to control compared to pride and sloth. as for lust and greed, i have good control over it at the moment.

people keep saying im a very nice person. its because i exhibit self-restraint all the time. thats why im very reserved. i try to always control myself. because if i dont, well, im going to be in a lot of trouble. im not saying im going to raise hell everyday, maybe only when im really fed up but point is if i loosen up, the harder it becomes for me to control myself in a sense its like a once you pop, you cant stop phenomenon. and if that happens and i get used to it, i wont even try to control myself anymore. i wil never keep my mouth shut and say whats on my mind and its going to look like im attacking everyone around me. im going to do what i believe is worth doing regardless of the consequences because im going to think my judgment is always right.

anyway, even when im intoxicated, i still exhibit self-restraint. no one has seen me really loosen up.

walking contradiction

i secretly desire to be a bum. actually, ive done that a lot of times and of course, no one likes a bum. and since its pointless to go against social norms, ive realized that its not realistic to live like a bum for the rest of my life. unless ive got loads of money. and i dont think im going to exert a lot of effort to get loads of money just to bum around for the remainder of my life. thinkin of where i am now, society would say im doing fairly well. not bad, not that good either. i mean, im a student! im not earning anything at all. im still a very useless member of society...at the moment. and what im doing is a far cry from being a bum. if things continue the way they should be, i would be contributing a lot to society. im going to be a responsible asset to the social system. well, thats whats expected of me anyway. and of course, i hope i meet those expectations. but i still cant remove the thought of just wasting my life away doing useless stuff. its very childish i know but i guess thats my way of not growing up. and the moment ive abandoned trying to do what i want and actually accept that theres some things i have to do, its a way of giving my consent to act like an adult. which kinda sucks but as red foreman kind of said, to be an adult, you have to take a lot of shit you dont want and live with it. something to that effect.

greatest pleasure...

is to break your enemies, to drive them before you, to take all the things that have been theirs, to hear the weeping of those who cherished them, to press in your arms the most desirable of their women - Temujin

that is why killing your enemies is more of an act of kindness. death does not really hurt them. it saves them from the pain and misery.

change ur mind

i think one way of changing one's personality (or forcing a new one to emerge) is by depriving myself of sufficient sleep...for weeks. will i try to confirm it?

pleasant view

how come large boobs and hot legs and nice asses, for some reason, have magnetic effects? i mean, if you see large, plump and somewhat succulent looking breast, the eyes of an average guy finds it (the wonderful breasts) on its own and cant stop taking glimpses (for those with weak minds who lose control of their eyes easily, cant stop their eyes from staring at it). the same is true for long, sexy, sizzling legs. if a guy sees a girl wearing short shorts, he cant prevent himself from looking. and that doesnt stop there, he has to look at where the legs begin, which is the hot piece of ass (most of the time) that completes the magnificent sight. even if the guy doesnt mean to look, once his eyes detected it, most likely, his eyes wont be able to resist and would need to take a second glance. and then a third and a fourth and so on until the boobs or the legs or the ass is out of sight. these female body parts do have strong magnetic forces for some reason. wait, let me make it more accurate. these female body parts dont have magnetic forces per se, only some females possess or have the ability of attracting the male eyes and exercising some form of control over it. ive experienced it so many times and im still puzzled up to this day. its not i lose my mind, its just my eyes start to have a mind of its own. even if i try to distract myself and let my mind wander and float to a far away place (like the kingdom of dusts or a castle made of shards of glass. what you think about doesnt have to make sense, all you need is something weird enough to grab your attention temporarily, long enough for the magnetic force of the boob, ass and/or legs disappers), my eyes still find a way to look at it again. the next thing i know, im looking at the heavenly view, again and might be staring already. if its heavenly, why not look at it? because im a sinner and dont deserve to look at such a captivating sight. the more you look, you become more of a sinner. and besides, if people see you staring or even taking too many glimpses, people would find that sinful and really offensive. thats another thing i dont get with society and people. if women wear these short shorts and tight shirts, arent we suppose to look at them and appreciate the beauty that emanates from it? for some reason, society has trained guys to be embarassed to look too much or stare or glimpse too much at such hot and intensely attractive parts of the female body (which of course isnt true to all, maybe only to most guys, or just some). i mean, why wear a skirt and all day long you keep pulling it down? if youre not comfortable wearing it or worried guys would keep looking at your marvelous legs, dont wear it. like i said, those legs are like magnets. they attract male eyes. but then again, thats also dangerous because some guys just dont get it. guys can only look at it and nothing else unless permitted by the owner of the body part to do something more than just look. the clothing that exemplifies the magnificence of the legs, the breast or even the ass does not mean that guys can harass the owners of such wonderful female body parts (sorry if i use the term "body part", im not in the mood to think of a better term and besides, it sounds more "anatomical" and less sleazy). if the girl is worried guys might see her panties, then dont wear skirts that short in the first place if all day long you would worry about it. there was this girl in powerplant who wore such a short skirt and didnt worry if her panties can be seen. well, it turned out she was a lingerie model so she was comfortable with what she was wearing. did we stare? nope, we were too embarassed of course. but still, its hard not to admire her set of legs. too bad, we cant take a picture, that would be just too much.

stop listening!

call me crazy because i might just be. its been weeks that ive suspected that people can hear my thoughts. its like everyone's a mind reader. here i am, sitting, minding my own business when some people talk to me and they talk to me about what im thinking. exactly what im thinking at that moment! example, im being quiet, not saying anything and i look at a person and i think of something im going to say or would say sometime later and that person suddenly looks at me and answers me as if i just said what i was thinking. ok, this happened only twice. coincidence most likely right? but it appeared to me during that time that they heard me and they didnt know i didnt speak because they werent looking at me.

the other instances were just people telling me stuff which coincided with what i was thinking earlier or a day ago or days ago which i didnt bring up. its like, they answer me even before i ask. like i said, im crazy. i think im paranoid. well, i am paranoid. i wont argue against that. my mind likes to play tricks on me. convinces me to believe things that a rational and sane person would shrug off easily for being absurd and extremely idiotic and silly.

rage here rage there

for some reason, i was filled with rage this morning. but of course, its all in my head. i really dont express the rage im feeling or else i would be imprisoned either in jail or in a mental institution (temporarily of course because once the rage subsides, im back to my harmless and sane, or almost sane, self). its like letting the incredible hulk loose and the only difference is that i dont grow those big muscles and dont turn green (or gray, if you want to be comic book geeky about it). its like having this tall guy breaking stuff and growling incoherent phrases and incomprehensible grunts (i mean, grunts can be comprehensible you know).

anyway, dont know where the rage came from. here i was in the library, reading assigned readings when all of a sudden, a surge of rage comes filling my...umm..senses? point is, im suddently filled with rage and of course hatred. its like i want to burn the building down. of course, i try to control it so that there wont be a manifestation of such violent anger. or potentially violent anger. its like i want to kill people indiscriminately just to blow off the so-called steam. i just want to go berserk just to release it. but of course, theres a time and place for that and im far from both of it. so i take a deep breath and force myself to relax. i try not to think of anything. so that was my morning. doing some breathing exercises because the rage keeps popping up from time to time.

maybe my body's psychic (whoa, i dont think ive ever heard this before. the mind is usually the clairvoyant part of man, and not the body). i mean, on the latter part of the day, i was so pissed. i was starving because i havent eaten for 9 hours. i got called and my recitation wasnt good. i was drained and tired and no longer absorbing anything from the class but the class just kept going and going. it was hard to commute because it was very late. i wasnt able to return the videos i rented which were already overdue and i saw some of those who work in the video store heading home (meaning, they just closed, probably not more than an hour before i saw them). when i ordered some food from mcdonalds, i had to wait for a few more minutes (it mattered because i was starving! fast food is suppose to be fast! is that too much to ask?). even with this very lousy and irritating day, i didnt feel the rage i felt earlier. it was a good thing because had i felt the rage during the latter part of the day, it would be harder to control. i would have gotten myself into a fight with a stranger. i could have pushed the guy in front of me off the moving jeepney while it was running on the elliptical road. i would have stood on the cashier counter of mcdonalds and kicked their cash registers. i could have elbowed the face of the guy sitting beside me. ok, maybe im exaggerating, except for the last one because i was really tempted to elbow his face just for the sake of releasing some anger. i mean, if my body was psychic and knew that im going to have a bad day, might as well get rid of the rage before i get really pissed due to legitimate reasons. i mean, its easier to feel the rage when there's nothing to be angry about because the rational side would be in full control of the situation. i was so pissed during the latter part of the day that i was muttering profanities during the class. of course not loud enough for people to hear, i hope. if the rage kicked in, i would have shouted and violently demanded that the class should be stopped because it was way beyond 830pm and its getting late. ok, maybe not violently demanded but rudely protested. not sure if the rage im feeling is a result of 10 years of not losing my temper. ok, thats another exaggeration. ive lost my temper from time to time and when i do, i cant stop myself from hitting things and throwing stuff. when i know i cant control my anger and i still have enough strength to control it, i sometimes pick something to destroy and go somewhere where ill be alone and release the anger. i remember picking up my badminton racket, going to my room and "mutilated" my racket by hitting the wall until my racket cant be used to hit anything. i sometimes punch my monitor when the internet connection is just so fucking intermittent. sorry for that PC monitor. good thing it didnt break. well, i didnt break the screen but eventually, with the number of times ive punched its screen, it had some internal damages, so it broke down last saturday. that is, if the diagnosis of the technician was correct. im tempted to buy a baseball bat so that i can use it to hit things when im pissed. and what i want to hit are side mirrors. ok, thats a bit expensive because i dont think i could get away with that. windshields would also be nice. or throwing tv sets from building windows.

sausage fest and pretty chicks

one thing i like with riding jeeps is the chance of getting to ride with a pretty girl. i prefer not to sit beside them so i can look at them and admire their beauty. im not a pervert. it just so happens that its nice to look at a pretty face while riding the jeep and waiting to get to your destination. i mean, there really isnt much going outside or there's not much to see outside the jeepney. there might be a scenery of some sort but ive seen it a million times. its a daily route after all. why the crap would i enjoy looking outside the jeepney. the only time that would happen if theres something unusual that occurred and that doesnt happen often. thats probably why drivers tend to slow down and try to take long looks at car crashes. not even car crashes, even minor accidents like fender benders. so it worsen traffic flows because not only is there an obstruction on the road, the passing cars slow down near the accident area.

anyway, i get disappointed when i ride a jeepney filled with guys. i call it a sausage fest borrowing the term from the movie Eurotrip. thats why sometimes i dont ride a jeepney when i see from afar that its mostly guys. the short trip wont be fun. of course, an exception would be is when im in a hurry so i wont be that choosy. and when i get to ride a jeepney filled with women, i quickly scan for the pretty one. if there is none, at least im riding with females or sitting beside one. i would rather sit beside a girl than a guy of course. not because im homophobic but cmon if you think about it and if given a chance to choose, would a guy choose to sit beside a guy or a girl? isnt it human nature for a guy to prefer to sit beside a girl than have a guy keep brushing himself against you? ive experienced that and it irritated me a lot. i wanted to say, what the crap is wrong with you? why do you keep brushing against me? are you gay or something? but of course, if that was a girl, i wont complain. i wont feel awkward. the same thing can be said when the person sitting beside you is falling asleep. you wont mind if it was a girl that occassionally rest her head on your shoulder but if it was a guy, you'd probably move your shoulder away.

making things less creepy

i saw a creepy old guy last week when i went to megamall. the old guy eyed me up! it creeped me out because i thought he was following me. i mean, i was there minding my own business reading the movie schedule on a bulletin board of some sort when this old guy stood beside me and looked at me from head to toe and just kept doing that while i was reading the schedule. i walked away and wandered around the mall and minutes later, i saw him again looking at me. this time i was on a different floor and ive been walking for quite some time already. so i thought, was he following me? why? i dont know him, i made sure of that. i took a good look and im sure ive never seen him before. so why is he looking at me like that? is he checking me out? i hope not.

so while walking away from the mall and heading toward the MRT just to get away, i tried to think of possibilities why that old guy was doing that eyeing me up thing. trying to rationalize stuff so i wont be creeped out. well, having the fertile imagination, wait, not really fertile but crazy imagination i have, two theories of weird origins made the situation less creepy.

first theory: he came from the future! i mean, what if this old guy was sent from the future to make sure that i dont stay in the mall. he looked like he was making sure i am who i am by looking at me like that. its like, "is he the guy im supposed to talk to or warn"? maybe he came 50 years from the future and probably if he knows me from the future, ive aged a lot. so he was trying make sure that he didnt interact with the wrong guy. so maybe his instruction was that to make me go away from the mall. if it was, then he accomplished his mission by creeping me out. maybe he was told that im a bit homophobic. so by acting like a creepy old man, i would be freaked out and head as far as away from the mall. why should i not be in megamall? maybe im going to be killed by some crazy serial killer who hates tall guys wandering in malls. or what if he's a bad guy from the future who scared me away from the mall so i wont meet the girl im supposed to fall in love with. crap! if thats the case, he also accomplished his mission. another possibility is that he was supposed to tell me a message from the future and was making sure im the right guy. well, if that was his mission, then he failed because he creeped me out before he could tell me the message. but i doubt that. if it was me who would send a person to tell me a message, i would pick a hot girl with the message written on one of her boobs. what if they ran out of hot chicks in the future and the only one available was the creepy old guy? well, then that future is not worth living in and i would probably be having a miserable time. maybe thats why he sent the old guy back, so that future wont happen. shit. i just ruined the future then. well, ruined it for straight guys. i think straight guys are a dying breed.

second theory: the sixth sense! i see dead people and the first dead guy i see is this creepy old man. the reason he was eyeing me up is because he cant believe i can see him and he's making sure i can see him. but why didnt he tell me something or just ask. if he's really a ghost and saw a living person capable of seeing him, i dont think he would be speechless. i mean, i should be the one speechless if i see dead people. also, the people around him dont seem to be paying attention to him, as if he was invisible. but then again, people in malls just mind their own business.

so why are these theories less creepy when the first talks about the future and the other is about seeing dead people? well, maybe because they're amusing and less probable and unrealistic than facing the possibility that the old guy was really checking me out. i mean, i would choose the two theories i made up than think that the old guy looked me from head to toe just because he likes to look at me like that. thats creepy.

fight club syndrome

im starting to feel like edward norton in fight club. i feel like im pulling tricks on me and there's a tyler durden lurking. i havent had sleepless nights for quite some time and so im not an insomniac lately. but what if thats not really true. i mean, am i even sure if im awake right now?

i dont know. lately, ive been tempted to ask people if ive instructed them to not tell me things that ive been doing lately. the same way when edward norton started asking members of the fight club not to talk to him but answer only to tyler durden. of course, this is paranoia. pure and simple. i dont even know why i feel that way. there are mornings i would wake up feeling weird and very tired. i remember the things ive done before i sleep but how sure am i that i really did sleep? or that my memories are real and not altered by a split personality? i havent had memory gaps for years. what if a split personality is filling it in with fake memories? i mean, my other personalities have been quiet for months now. i mean, there's not much mood swings lately.

also, ive been withdrawing from people lately. if that is true then people wont have a clue if im up to something weird or doing something weird. so asking things from them wont be much help.

its really hard to know or realize if youve gone mad. how could you possibly determine if you're crazy right? if you still have a sense of sanity, the fact that your crazy means that the insane side has taken over. if it has taken over, then sanity would have a hard time taking control again because insanity itself is seen to be something very irrational. how can a rational sane mind fight the irrational when it follows no rules? by forcing conformity? i mean, thats the safest approach sanity can adopt, i think. just follow the rules of conformity and socially acceptable practices. you cant go wrong with that right? an insane mind cant possibly exist in a strictly conformist world. as logn as sanity can force this in the insane mind, control can be regained by sanity. problem is, what if that is exactly what insanity wants sanity to think. that insanity is making sanity to believe that the person is living in the world and conforming to its norms when in fact, its all make believe or all in the head. its like making sanity think that the world is moving when reality the world is standing still. if insanity is in control, it can pull off all the illusion and different forms of deception it possibly can. it is an erratic force of irrationality. but isnt the fact that im writing this means im sane. well yes if i really am writing this and someone from the real and sane world can read this.